Mon. Jan 1, 12:00am

breakup

Umm Hi...123 breathe! I just got out of a relationship where I saw myself starting to be okay with him not doing much of anything...fortunately the red flag went up...

what has kept you there for 10 years? the hope that he would change?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 11:37 AM

ann landers the former advice columnist always gave the same advice: you have to ask yourself this question and answer it honestly.. are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him.. think about it. leaving is always hard but think about your future. how can you answer this question?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 11:39 AM

if what you say is true, then kick his ass to the curb. You stay because it's convenient and easy, but since you don't mention kids and you will not be financially hurting, see ya!

here's what I always say: you deserve complete happiness. Leaving doesn't mean you've given up. Staying doesn't mean you have to settle. What will make you happy because YOU derserve it. If he's not willing to step up to help you be happy, then why stay?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 11:48 AM

Maybe it is not that you hate HIM, but that you resent shouldering ALL the responsibility for the household. Responsibility is something the two of you can discuss. What does he feel that his responsibilites are? What does he think that your responsibilities are? I would guess that the two of you have different answers to these questions. But if you can both make two lists and then work rationally towards making your lists and his lists more alike, that should help.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 11:57 AM

Question for OP

Hi - I can relate to your pain, my first marriage was very similar sounding. My question is, do you have any children with him?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 12:31 PM

i would communicate these feelings with him first. let him know what is frustrating you and how he can help. after doing all of that, i would then set some mental countdowns for yourself. when he finally crosses your mental breaking point, you will be that more prepared to have him pack his shit up and leave. good luck.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 3:23 PM

Your Husband

Do you LOVE him? Yes=work it out No=Cut your loses.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 3:29 PM

just because you love him, doesn't mean you IN love with him. big difference in feeling. you'll always love him because you've shared time together.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 4:01 PM

Just remember, divorce sucks. It's expensive, it's scarring and it can take you several years to get back to normal after one.

That said, sounds like what you've got sucks. Since you're ready to go nuclear already, you've not got much (if anything) to lose by setting yer boy down and letting him know exactly how you feel, why you feel that way and what's going to happen if things keep going the way they are.

Write down a list. Go over it several times, get it as emotion-free as you can and then go to him with it. Propose concrete actions that must be met for your continued participation in the marriage. Don't let anything get nebulous or emotional. Be as cold as you would with an employee who's on probation.

And if that doesn't work, DTMFA

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 4:23 PM

I like the way you think 4:23. Every time I see a post like this asking for advice, the do-gooders step in and ALWAYS suggestion counceling, weekends away, etc. LIke I said earlier, everyone deserves happiness. It's finding out what makes you happy. Obviously, OP, you're not happy. Can you live like this and be happy, if not, be done with it and get out!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 4:55 PM

If you don't have children then by all means I would cut my losses - he is NOT going to change, this type of nonsense only gets worse with time not better. You could do bad by yourself - you don't need HIS lame @ss help.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 5:13 PM

we met late in life, so we are an older couple

Ah wait! Is this the retired-husband-around-the-house problem? There are reams of books on that -- and thousands of retirees who don't know how to transition out of a job. (My parents did it by retiring for 2 weeks then they couldn't stand it any more and went back to work -- LOL!) There are a lot of resources out there if retirement and depression are the root of the problem.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 5:28 PM

dump his ass

you don't want to be pondering the same question after 20 years of marriage, when it will be harder for you as a single woman.

the point of being married is to be with someone who makes you a better person - and that goes for both partners.

dump his ass and make sure your next man can come to the partnership as an equal.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 6:35 PM

Been There Done That

17 years together and I was emotionally checked out after 15 years. I couldn't take it anymore, now I am happily married to a wonderful man

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 8:53 PM

DUMP
HIM

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 8:53 PM

You seem to be looking for someone to help you with that decision. Now that you have weighed the good and the bad. Make a decision after you have asked yourself some of those questions.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 9:18 PM

make your own happiness

OK, this may be hard to hear, but I am saying it for your own good. You are ENABLING your husband by doing all these things for him. Honestly, I know you're probably the sweetest person and you think that you are doing a good thing by taking care of him, but a guy will take advantage of that so fast it will make your head spin. You need to focus on YOU. Make YOURSELF happy first, and enjoy him whenever you can. Don't let your happiness depend on him. Have a life. He can be in it, but do things for you first. I know this may sound selfish, but once YOU start valuing and respecting yourself, he will have no choice but to do the same. In my marriage, I only do for my husband what I know he'd do for me. That way, the power balance is always equal and I don't feel resentful and unappreciated. We may do different things for each other, but the minute he backs off doing his share, I do too! It's kind of like going on strike, but not out of anger. That would only make him rebel and stand his ground. You have to act like you really don't give a damn and then just start taking care of yourself. Keep busy with your friends, hobbies, etc. He'll come to appreciate you when you aren't so convenient. Good luck and may GIRL POWER be with you!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 9:20 PM

Whoa, hold it there OP

Okay darlin',
Sounds to me like it's a bad situation, definitely. BUT you have ask yourself what you have done to facilitate his behavior. I'm not into "blaming the victim" but I think in a marriage, there are rarely victims per se. Do you need to be needed? Appreciate being his rock and the person that provides and takes care of him? Or is that just how it was initially and now his dependence is out of control? You need to take an honest look at what you're doing on your end to help him continue this behavior, take steps to discontinue it, and see how he reacts. Car hasn't been cleaned in 2 years? It's his car, right? If he chooses to keep it piggy that's a reflection on him. You make the money, get another car just for you and lead by example (without saying it out loud). If he likes having "losers" over, would you feel better if he did this out of the house? Doing favors for others, I mean? Maybe he needs to be needed too, and since you have it all taken care of at home he can't do it there.
Again, I'm not making excuses, I just want you to look inside yourself too. Even if you do leave him, it will make you a better partner for the next relationship!
By the way, I would advocate working it out somehow. 10 years is a long time! Something has to be keeping you there. :)
Think it over, sending you positive thoughts!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 9:21 PM

why not take a break - tell him he needs to move out for a little while. you need some space. see how you like it for 3 MONTHS!!! if there is no way you would have him back, then you'll know the answer. sounds like you could use a vacation after 10 YEARS.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, 11:55 PM

"I would be lonely without him" sounds to me like he isn't doing anything for you so why would you feel lonely without him? Is it the sex? No man is going to change for anyone! Unless he wants to, and why should he, he has a roof over his head that he doesn't have to pay for, he doesn't help out in any way around the house, you pay the bills. Hes got an easy ride, you are his meal ticket and you take care of him. No loser is going to give that up. And I say loser because any real man would feel some sort of responsibility to pitch in and help, to contribute even if its less then what you contribute. Its easy to love someone, its harder to like them and when you have no respect for them it makes it impossible. But you can have respect for yourself, its time to get rid of him. You would be happier alone and once your happy you will meet someone new. And don't ever let a man define who you are. Answer this question for yourself, when he walks into a room do you feel happy or do you feel like throwing something at him? If its the 2nd choice then its time to move on. Once you get to that point there is no going back and it only gets worse.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008, 2:09 AM

9:21 Good points. OP, been there done that. Talk to him about it. 10 years is a long time to throw away. He probably does not even realize what he is doing since this has been going on for a long time and you have not really said anything to him about what bothers you. Make him understand that you are serious about how you feel and that you are just not nagging him or being bitchy.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008, 8:44 AM

Ask yourself honestly- Does he love you? Is he just comfortable and living easy? If he isn't shouldering any responsibility, the least he could do is make sure you are happy.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008, 9:39 AM

OP - don't waste another 10 years

Wednesday, January 9, 2008, 10:40 PM

Good luck, OP, remember that any new behavior takes a while to become a part of you! So being more objective is going to take practice. Hang in there!!
Hugs and warm thoughts,
CJ

Thursday, January 10, 2008, 12:30 PM

"Been There Done That" - here

OP - the only thing that I will caution you about, is that you need to be careful that the negative emotions don't start to dominate. As I said, I was emotionally checked out after 15 years, and still lived with him for another 2 !! I was emotionally checked out because all the "little things" that I bitched to myself about him started to make me numb, to the point that I didn't care anymore. When you stop caring it is not a good thing, it is not that you become more layed back about the things that bother you. You literally stop caring about him, about you, about everything.
If you can't change him, how do you expect to change yourself ?

I just caution you in saying "I will miss him" is not the same as saying "I love him".

Friday, January 11, 2008, 9:12 AM

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