Should I be bothered?

Would anyone be bothered if their boyfriend/spouse was going to a "gentleman's club" with his friends for a bachelor party? Am I just being too jealous by caring at all?

Fri. Sep 28, 4:14pm

i think many guys do the same thing...for some it's probably what they think they're supposed to do. although i'm sure many don't have to try hard to enjoy themselves. from what i hear (from my girlfrineds who dance at these places), it's mostly the friends trying to embarras the soon-to-be-groom than trying to get with any girls themselves. i would think differently if it was just for a typical friday night out, but otherwise i'd be fine with it.

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:20 PM

it would not bother me at all we live in nyc and you cant touch the strippers here its a total waste of money nothing will happen. let him have fun with the guys

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:20 PM

I'd be jealous too. I think it's natural. We know our men look at other women and that's fine. Women oogle men too. However, my issue is that they are usually places where it is okay and expected for the women there to give the men lapdances, touch them, and rub all over them. That to me is NOT cool. I told my bf that I have no problem with him going to places like that with friends (it's not really his thing though) but if he goes and a woman touches him, or he touches her . . .he should know that that means it's okay for me to go somewhere and have a guy rub his crotch all over me too. hehe. That's not my bag either but I know the thought of another guy going anywhere near me wigs him out so much that even if he was seriously tempted to go along with the guys and let some stripper grind herself all over him, I know he's not going to. I trust him completely and he's never even been to a strip club but this came up in conversation once about a friend's bachelor party so I was honest about my feelings.

My attitude is look all you want-completely natural. But touching is off limits!!!
If you trust your man, it won't be a problem, but it is natural to be a little jealous I think. Women are territorial!

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:23 PM

I live in NYC too and run into strippers at my local pizza joint (it's next door to their club) ... apparently it depends on the club and how strictly they follow the rules in the Champagne Room (remember, 4 girls were arrested for prostitution at Scores a few months ago, supposedly a "decent" place as far as these things go). If your husband's friends aren't the types to blow $300-$1000 for a VIP room, there isn't even a risk of anything more questionable than a lapdance happening.

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:29 PM

what area do you live?

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:30 PM

i got a serious chuckle out of reading the following 2 sentence fragments..."have a guy rub his crotch all over me too. hehe. That's not my bag either..." thanks for the laugh!!

i wouldn't care. it's not like flirting with any random girl in a bar. the girls at these places see everything and have no interest with the guys other than money. if my dude flirted with some girl in a bar, though, we'd have it out!!

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:33 PM

OP, don't be bothered. If your guy isn't the type who is out carousing (without you) and spending money at strip clubs, then you have nothing to worry about. But from your post, it doesn't sound like he is a regular.

They are just women there to make money - they pose no threat to you.

Friday, September 28, 2007, 4:47 PM

Strippers are amazingly talented at one thing- separating guys from their cash. And just like the rest of it, they'd prefer to do as little as possible to get that money.

Figure there's pretty much no chance of anything more happening than a pair of silicone-enhanced boobs getting wrapped around his face a couple times.

By the way, you can easily check to see if this has happened as stripper perfume has a very distinct baby-powderesque smell that won't come off without a shower...

Friday, September 28, 2007, 5:01 PM

yea ai would be totally mad. Don't let him go. Heehee. I know, I'm mean, but hey, its been working for me :) And me and my man are close as ever.

Friday, September 28, 2007, 5:53 PM

I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like he is a faithful guy and hasn't done anything in the past to make you question whether he'll stay faithful even if he is looking at naked women! Most places are "no touch" unless he's getting a lap dance which I doubt he will as he is not the bachelor.
My husband has gone to strip clubs in the past and I'm fine with it mostly because we have also gone together. They aren't that bad honestly. Maybe you two could go together sometime to make you more comofortable if this situation comes up in the future? Best of luck and let him have a good time with the boys!

Friday, September 28, 2007, 6:00 PM

Most places are no touch?? Haha, shows how naiive you all are. That's just what they say, but remember, what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. And what happens after the strip club doesnt even have to be on the premises.......thats coming from someone who knows a bit about the industry ;)

Friday, September 28, 2007, 6:16 PM

I live in the Dallas area. He is my boyfriend and won't be coming home to me tonight. We have seperate apartments and I can't stand the thought of them rubbing anything all over him and then him coming home to me.
I am going to take your advice, I can be jealous, but not controlling. I think that is the main idea here. I think my main problem is that I think he is going to compare me to the women after he goes...how is that for honesty? hehe

Friday, September 28, 2007, 6:16 PM

6:16 are you a man or a stripper?

Friday, September 28, 2007, 6:50 PM

When my now husband was just a boyfriend, I didn't care. Now that we are married, it's not happening. I've been to strip clubs numerous times with all my guy friends and I have seen what really goes on. The only naked woman rubbing anything on my husband will be me!

Friday, September 28, 2007, 8:31 PM

We all know guys are turned on by seeing women, they are visual creatures. Women need to talk to make a connection. Is this not the same thing as cheating if a woman went on a date and just talked to a guy?

Friday, September 28, 2007, 10:53 PM

Absolutely not 10:53 pm! Men aren't solely visual creatures and women don't solely look for conversation before they are aroused! Looking is fine, men look, women look, whatever, but TOUCHING??? That's a whole other level of wrong!

Friday, September 28, 2007, 11:14 PM

I say, let him get all hot and bothered at the strip club, as long as he brings his hot and bothered ___ back home to you! It's a win-win situation, as far as i can see.....

I wouldn't worry about comparisons. Let me put it this way. I could look at Val Kilmer all day long. (substitute your fav. celebrity crush here) Does my bf look like Val Kilmer? Noooooooo. Do I ever think, "hmm, if he bleached his hair a little... if only he were a little shorter... if only he had a square jaw...."? OF COURSE NOT!

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 9:24 AM

You look don't you? Why shouldn't he? Look, just don't touch. Men are wired different than women, having him go to a club is fine, don't try and compare men with women, ya can't do it.

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 10:16 AM

I look but I don't look at nude men other than my boyfriend. Maybe I should start..hehe I am also bothered by the idea of nude women rubbing all over him and then him coming home and jumping in bed with me. It grosses me out actually.

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 12:37 PM

other women, paid or unpaid, rubbing on my husband is a deal breaker for me. my husband & I talked about the stripper thing before we chose to marry. he knows that i really consider it a form of cheating. come on! he'd have a heart attack if some guy was rubbing his stuff on me. other couples have different agreements about his issue, obviously. i really wish i felt more loose about the whole thing, but i don't. i've accepted it & my husband says it is something he doesn't mind doing without. he knows how hurt & uncomfortable i am with the whole thing. i guess it helps that i'm adventerous within our sex life.

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 3:36 PM

I'm a female and have went to a club before with my husband...and they can touch and rub and feel...w/the right amount of $...you have to have trust or you shouldn't be w/one another.

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 9:08 PM

OP I think its totally normal for you to be bothered. I dont like even like the idea of my husband seeing another woman naked. I just wouldnt worry too much but let him know how you feel and maybe he can help you understand from a guys point of view.

Saturday, September 29, 2007, 9:35 PM

Its not that I don't trust him. I don't think he would ever do anything on his own but you know how guys can be when they get together and buy eachother lap dances just to embarass eachother. I don't think he would turn it down if someone bought it for him because he would be more embarrassed of that then just getting the lapdance.

I told him how I feel about it. He said they didn't end up going anyway but they are re-planning it and he will have many more to go to in the future so I should just get over it. The conversation didn't end well so I am not even sure where we stand at this time.

Sunday, September 30, 2007, 8:57 AM

I don't see why he thinks you should get over it. Why should you have to get over it? I'm sure he wouldn't like you going out and checking out nude men all of the time and having fun with your friends.

Or worst yet, if he gets a lap dance that should give you the equal right to go give a lap dance to some other randy man. I'm sure he really wouldn't like that.

I wonder if he's just dishing out a double-standard there. I think it's okay to look at other women but there's a difference between looking at other women and looking at nude women. Going to strip clubs is just feeding that sinful nature and then expecting you to be okay with it. To me it's like biting into fruit that's better left uneaten.

Too much looking can lead to other mistakes eventually. It plants seeds in people's minds when they allow themselves too many liberties.

I'm not going to go all Biblical because I understand how men can be visual creatures and that we're all human but if they spent half as much time using those randy emotions to make the relationship more exciting than going out looking at women they don't know who are likely only stripping because it pays good, etc. then then so many relationships would be exceptional instead of end before they have a chance to get started.

It's selfish for him to go to strip clubs regularly and expect you to get over it.

I understand once, maybe even twice at most but then it's just plain selfish and stupid after that. It's like looking for trouble when you don't really need to find it.

Sunday, September 30, 2007, 1:34 PM

Spice of life

I went with my boyfriend to a strip club a couple times, and we had the most amazing sex afterwards. It was a turn-on for us both. Now, he goes once in awhile for a bachelor party, and I don't mind ... because he doesn't do anything with them, but we have great sex afterwards.

Also, I've gone to bachelorette parties with my girlfriends with male strippers. It's not the same for women as men, I think ... but we had great sex after the bachelorette parties too. He gets a little jealous when I go to those, but he's gone to female strip clubs so he can't say anything.

Bottom line: go with him, and let it be a catalyst for your sex life. See it in a positive way!

Sunday, September 30, 2007, 5:58 PM

i don't think the arguement of "he wouldn't like it if you went out and looked at nude men..." is the right angle. i think it should be more about whether he would be angry if you went out with your friends to engage in some activities that you all enjoy and there were other men there, enjoying it all with you. if you and your friends went with a bunch of guys to a lecture on a topic of interest to you, your bf might feel like he is out-of-the-loop and thus get a bit jealous. i think it's more about "allowing" your significant other to have a good time on their own, and trust that your relationship isn't built around changing each other but accepting each other. if you really believe this guy is worth getting bothered/jealous about, don't you think he's worth your trust, too?

Monday, October 1, 2007, 9:07 AM

at some point you grow out of strip clubs. I'm a guy, been to Scores, Vegas, seen some crazy stuff in central America-- but ever since I got married I have not been to anything like this. And I have not wanted to. Something about getting married to the right woman just neutralized all that stuff for me.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 9:14 AM

You know that is the point exactly. We have been dating for 3 years. We each have our own time and space. I go out shopping with my girlfriends, running, etc. He goes golfing, watching games with his friends, etc. It's not a trust issue at all. He just wants everything to be his way or no way. (And before anyone thinks, I want it my way or no way, I didn't tell him that he had to not go to a strip club or we could not be together, I offered several different options) I feel like there has to be a place where you put your foot down somewhere or it all becomes a slippery slope. I am at a point where if he told me something I was doing was making him uncomfortable I would never think to say "get over it." I would listen to him and see what I could change. He obviously is not at that same point. Which hurts but atleast it is something I am seeing now and not later.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 9:26 AM

9:14 here- one thought is that you don't make this about you. At the end of the day it is his issue. The reality is that he is somewhat immature, and probably needs a better peer group. All my guy friends we the crazy types, hard partying etc. We did insane stuff. But now, (mid 30's) we are all doing really well career wise, we are simply focused on other things. Like Hank Jr. says, all my rowdy friends have settled down. There is a time and place for all things, and a season.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 9:37 AM

As sad as it sounds he is in his mid 30's too. His group of friends are ones he has known and hung out with his whole life. There is no changing that. He says this is who he is, what he enjoys and there is no changing that. At the same time, this is what makes me uncomfortable and there is no changing that. If I hide how I feel about it, I will just be unhappy in the long run.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 11:19 AM

i think he shows that he has respect for you in not hiding his plans, even though he knows you'll be bothered. i mean, he could have lied to avoid any confrontation, but he didn't. i guess he has presented you with a choice---either take him for who he is and realize that even if he goes to a place you would prefer he wouldn't go, you'll know where he is. or, move on in search of someone who has habits that you're not embarrased/disturbed by.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 11:34 AM

In all honesty I didn't find out from him but one of his friends wives actually. He did not lie about it though, which is a good thing. Maybe I am just crazy but for me, I would rather not know. I would rather just think he is out with his friends then to think of him getting a lapdance or watching naked women dance. I guess you can call it territorial, jealous, insecure. Needless to say, I am not the right woman for him, which is hard.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 12:12 PM

"live and learn" is useful in these situations. i wouldn't chalk the whole thing (relationship) up as a loss!! the epiphany or realization that it's not going to last is great! knowing why a relationship won't work out is very rewarding, even though there's a loss---there's a tremendous gain in recognizing the "why" or "why not". there's also a great stride forward in remaining true to your own principles, values and tolerance. best wishes with moving on!!

Monday, October 1, 2007, 12:20 PM

I think you are asking the wrong question. The right question is: why would I date/marry a guy who thinks this sort of behavior is appropriate? (clearly you're bothered by it or you wouldn't be asking) If you know what kind of guy you're with BEFORE hand, you never have to worry about what you'll get later.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 12:46 PM

i think she's asked herself that question and answreed it, to, within this thread.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 1:10 PM

When my college boyfriend turned 21 (I wasn't 21 then), his friends took him to a strip club, and 8 girls gave him a simultaneous lap dance. Why do I know that? Because his friends took pictures, and he showed them to me, over and over. I thought it was totally gross and inappropriate, mostly b/c he was gloating about all of the attention from the women!

However, when my current husband was taken to a strip club for his bachelor party, he was dragged on stage and beaten with one of his friends' belts, by a stripper! That didn't bother me at all. Why? First, I didn't see pictures, and second, the part he was so busy talking about was that all of his guy friends were in such a hurry to volunteer their belts to his humiliation! Totally different - his experience involved strippers, but was really about a night with his guys.

Also, my husband and I are a perfect match, and I know he's not leaving me for anyone. I know he likes boobs, so sure, he may look at them on someone else, naked or clothed. But, it's really not a threat to me. He's not going to leave me and everything we have, just for some boobs. My ex from college, he was never that nice to me, and I had much more reason to be insecure about him.

Anyway, I really think it depends on the situation. Going to a strip club because it's someone else's bachelor party is totally different than if he was choosing the location himself, and even if his friends buy him a lapdance or two, it's really just a form of entertainment; it's not really sexually gratifying to be turned on and left hanging!

Plus, being that it's not his bachelor party, really, his friends are going to be a lot more interested in buying lap dances for the groom-to-be, not for your man. Why would they waste their money on a guy who isn't the center of attention, and who has a girlfriend already? In my experience, guys either want to get "action" for the groom-to-be, or the guys who aren't getting any at home.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 1:24 PM

Strip clubs

I would care but not for any of the reasons mentioned. I really feel that places like this objectify women and turn them into objects. I feel that rape and other crimes are so common because boys are taught that it is ok to look at women as objects. I think it takes away our human aspect. If men looked at all women as someone mother, sister, daughter or wife there would'nt be so many crimes commited against women.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 1:53 PM

12:46, the answer is because I love him, because we have been together for 3 years and I thought we would be together forever. Now I am beginning to see that you can't change a person's moral values or make them care about your feelings just because you love them, just because you would make changes for them. Just because you are this way does not mean they have to be the same way. Its a tough lesson but one I think I will be thankful for in the end.
1:53, I did ask him about this, told him one of those girls could be his sister. He said his sister goes to strip clubs with her husband so its not a big deal.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 2:39 PM

WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY THE SHE-COULD-BE-your-sister card, i think it's fair to point out that any one you ever see begging on the street or just homeless "could be your sister/brother", and one should act accordingly then, too. and any guy who's not-so-hot-but-really-nice could be your brother; the dude in the strip joint who always gets kicked out for trying to touch the dancers "could be your brother"...see where i'm going with this? it's hard to imagine that some stranger "could be your sibling" and then change your behaviour unless this is something that you practice everyday in every way.

Monday, October 1, 2007, 2:51 PM

It's a bachelor party. As such, it's the guy's last chance to act like he's single before the big commitment. If you're not comfortable with the activity he has chosen, then you need to hash that out with him beforehand. Likewise if he doesn't want you going to a Ladies Night for your stagette, then he should let you know.

Some women get all bent out of shape if their man notices other females exist. Some don't' care if their man goes to the strippers with the guys every other weekend. Find what you're comfortable with for YOUR relationship and be happy with that. You're the one who has to live with him, not anyone else :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2007, 1:41 AM

I wish I knew the future and could tell what I would be okay with. Right now I know it bothers me that he wants to go see a stripper dance. It irks me but I am not sure that it is so bad that I would end the relationship for it. BUT when we move in together/get married it will probably be another thing all together. I guess worse than the stippers is his attitude that he doesn't care if it bothers me at all.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007, 9:06 AM

You could try asking yourself, "does he want to go see a stripper dance, or does he really just want to go out with his friends to celebrate the bachelor's upcoming wedding, and this is what the activity happens to be?" In my opinion, wanting to go may have very little to do with the activity. If he doesn't go, he's telling his friend that he doesn't care enough to show up, or else he's telling everyone that he's totally controlled by his girlfriend, which may get him made fun of.

Just trying to offer another perspective...

Tuesday, October 2, 2007, 3:28 PM

Since he made the statement "you can't find me one man that would turn down looking at a naked woman" I would think he wants to see a stripper dance. These are friends that he is very close to and he goes out with them every weekend. He could easily say "I don't have the money" like he has asked me to do with my girlfriends when they wanted to go shopping and he wanted me to go to a movie with him instead. Thank you for another perspective though, the more I look at this situation the more I see its more of a respect issue than anything else.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007, 4:48 PM

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