breaking up with friends

I think there is every piece of advice in the world when you break up with a boyfriend. My friends are there to talk to me about it, everyone has their own story to contribute. But I find when I've broken up with a friend, I'm so sad about it, miserable actually. It's like I have an expectation that you're never supposed to break up with friends, my friends are friends for life. I can't point to cheating or a concrete reason, sometimes it feels like a friend has gotten mad at me and just drops me. I'm really upset about it.

Wed. Sep 12, 1:00pm

You should talk to this friend and tell them how you feel. Someone once put it to me this way about breaking up with friends, "Sometimes you have to pull the weeds out of the flower bed." I do know that over time we grow, evolve and change. A friend who was appropriate in your early 20s may not be on the same page (goals, morals, conducive to your new healthy lifestyle, etc.) once you reach your mid to late 30s. Just my experience anyway. Good luck to you with your friend. Hopefully you can salvage that relationship.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 1:22 PM

It is natural for people to grow apart. Maybe your friend has very little free time now due to change in his/her life, or maybe they feel that the two of you were not connecting the same why you used to. As the poster above mentioned, maybe you aren't "on the same page". If it bother you, then talk to them about it. If they are a "true friend", then they will be willing to listen to you and either work through it, or explain themselves to you. good luck!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 1:51 PM

sometimes the best way to preservea friendship is to let some distance in. then you have the pleasure of reconnecting with old friends.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 2:00 PM

I felt the same way about a year ago when a good friend and I drifted apart. I was miserable - I had that whole Sex in the City mindset thinking we should be friends for life! Truth is, people and even the best of friends do 'break up.' But I was so torn up I actually googled - ending friendships and found some helpful stuff. One article pointed out that men and women feel differently about friendships and cited that an entire book was written about girlfriends breaking up with the side note that if a guy wrote a similar book it would, "Hey! I Used to Hangout With that Guy Once."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 3:06 PM

3:06-- wow good idea of googling for advice. I should do that...and I will. I started the thread called "advice on friendships"...and I have a feeling you were one of the responders b/c you mentioned Sex and the City mindset here and in my thread.

Friday, September 14, 2007, 2:13 AM

I find breaking up with friends is harder than breaking up with boyfriends in the long run. I still feel guilty about a friendship gone bad and I just never returned her calls. That was over 2 years ago.

Monday, September 17, 2007, 12:23 AM

sometimes a break in a friendship can really help things.

Monday, September 17, 2007, 10:36 AM

I'm the OP and I apppreciate the advice a great deal. I'm starting to feel like I'm not the only one out there and it makes me feel like less of a freak! I have friends who always give me crap about how I "lose" friends and they brag how they've had all of their friends since they were little. I know I shouldn't care but I do and I'm happy to feel normal, especially seeing how many advice things there were in google about breaking up with friends.

Monday, September 17, 2007, 12:44 PM

Friend Break Up / Dump

I found this posting by doing just what some people who commented suggested... I googled "Friends who Break Up". I completely identify with the statement, "I can't point to a concrete reason."

For me, the experience of a frienship breakup has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through. Period. (strangely, even harder than a divorce 10 years ago) but when my very, very dear friend and I drifted silently apart in the fall of 2007, it nearly killed me. I suddenly felt adrift in an ocean of time and space - we never made a move without the other and one day "poof" we were no longer. I kept thinking, time will pass and we will talk again, but that day never came. The hardest realization has been that as time passed by, the distance growing larger and larger, neither of us attempted to contact the other.

I took the silence as a mutual agreement to the end of the friendship. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel if either of us was compelled to fight for the friendship, we would have... Neither did a thing.

As I drive around our neighborhood, where we both still live, I sometimes catch myself reflecting on a gleeful moment from the past wtih Michael, it makes me thankful to know we meant so much to each other. It makes me glad there were happy times there. By no means do I think we both have not suffered a great deal - we both have. I just feel, as someone else has suggested, friends can grow apart for many reasons, not the least of which is seeing the world differently, I can see we are each dealing with the ending of our friendship in our own way.

I feel for anyone else who has been in this heartbreaking circumstance.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008, 11:25 PM

11:25 - I feel exactly the same way. The only difference in my scenario is that I reached out several times before finally realizing - 'Duh, she doesn't want my friendship anymore.' She was pulling a 'I hope she gets the hint' on me! That was a hard, hard realization. Even now I have to tell myself, 'We aren't friends, and that's okay.' I have to talk myself into the last part. It's hard to accept a friendship that has faded and you're not quite sure why.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008, 11:34 PM

11:25 - DITTO DITTO and DITTO!

I just keep asking myself what the hell did I do that was so awful and should I apologize - but then remember no - she's the one that says I'm stupid for not picking up on her 'hints" so I refuse to pander. Her loss - I'm a great, loyal friend.

To the OP - Focus on what is good in you as a person and treat yourself well. This will create peace in your life an draw good, stable people toward you. Hope it all works out the way it needs to with you!

Thursday, April 3, 2008, 7:24 AM

You are not alone..

To OP: I've also felt sometimes that I "go through friends" quickly. What I have found is that the people who have been in my life the longest are my true friends and have stuck by me through thick and thin. The people I have let go, or who have let me go, never did quite line up with who I really am. People change over the years - they will come and go in your life. If you have 3-4 people in your life that you know you can trust and depend on, count yourself lucky. Because the fact is, most people don't know or are not capable of offering true friendship to more than 3-4 people. Good luck!

Thursday, April 3, 2008, 8:28 AM

OP, I have to add here that sometimes the friendships that you've had for the longest are the ones you just can't seem to let go of, but not because they add anything of value but because you'd feel guilty not calling back or getting together, etc.
I for one sometimes feel like I am so over my "bff." I have evolved into the kind of person that detests small talk and feeling like I have to call or I have to check in, and always with explanations as to why I'm calling now as opposed to before, etc. It's grating.
But I also don't know how to break up the friendship without there being super hard feelings on her part. I wish her the best but sometimes I just wish she would be a little freer in the way she gives and receives friendship.
A "How To" thread would be good! I don't think I could just stop calling, etc. It seems like there should be some kind of conversation about it.

Thursday, April 3, 2008, 8:14 PM

Reason Season Lifetime

A friend of mine sent this to me a while back and it stuck. I feel I feel it really applies here. I have shared the experience of a lost friend.
Listed as anonymous:

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
...
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
...
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
...
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. t is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Friday, April 4, 2008, 2:28 PM

Plus, as you get older (wise old me at 39), you'll find that there are categories of friends. I have my friends from high school and college whom I love, but we all recognize that people move, lives go in different directions, and keeping in touch just isn't as easy as you wish it could be. Then there are the "friends of the moment" who are the people you socialize with regularly and build a bond based on what you have going on with your life right now. I am still just as close with my college roommate whom I haven't seen in almost 3 years, (but will in a few weeks, I'm so excited) as I am with my friend that I talk to everyday right here where I live. It is different if someone gives you the ol heave ho, but make sure you know why she's pulling away.

Friday, April 4, 2008, 2:40 PM

Agreed

2:28...I have heard that same passage and the older I get the more I realize it is true. And even more so that I am there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So if I feel that the friendship has run its course, it's okay to end the friendship. Thanks for sharing!

Friday, April 4, 2008, 2:51 PM

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