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When you don't get support at home

How do you lose weight without the support of your family? (other then PT) What do you do at supper time when the rest of the family is eating what you'd love to have, but can't? I've tried dieting several times, but it seems like the rest of the household has no consideration at all. Instead of leaving me alone, they offer me ice cream for desert! Don't they realize that it's killing me to sit there knowing that while I'd love it, I can't have any? If I so much as make myself a salad for dinner, I'm met with a sarcastic "Are you on another diet?" Is it too much to ask for a little support at home? Maybe a comment or two when I do manage to lost a couple of pounds? Sometimes I wish I was single, so I wouldn't have to feel like I'm walking against the wind.

Thu. May 31, 10:27am

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I feel for you. They are certainly being inconsiderate. Unfortunately, telling people to quit being inconsiderate only works on people who wanted to be considerate in the first place. I guess you'll just have to work at becoming very strong on your own, maintaining your boundaries even though you can't get other people to agree to them. It's sad, but maybe that's the best you can get.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:51 AM

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try to see the extra weight as an illness. you need to focus on getting better. treat the ice cream offer as an opportunity to respect your body and try not to focus so much on the intent of those who offer it to you. knowing how unsupportive your family has been is a sort of blessing. you know you can't rely on them. they are not pretending to care, at least. go forward knowing that, although your family may not realize you are ill, you have realized it and you aren't going to sit around contributing further to your illness. this is the approach i took when beginning my journey. my family seemed to be sabotaging my every effort, so i stopped paying attention to them with regard to weight loss.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:01 AM

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you can respond with, " it's not a diet. i'm changing my eating habits so i can gain more control over my body. " "thanks for offering me some ice cream, but it's not a good choice for me. maybe we could try some fat-free frozen yogurt tomorrow night?"

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:03 AM

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You should sit your family down and tell them what you wrote here. They might be more supportive if they knew your feelings were being hurt.

As for them eating certain foods in front of you... who does the grocery shopping? If you do, just stop buying stuff that you can't eat yourself. Does anyone really NEED cookies, pretzels, chips and ice cream in their diet?

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:12 AM

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if you were diabetic, would you expect everyone else to follow dietary guidelines for diabetics? if you decided to become a vegetarian, would you disallow meat for dinner? if the other family members do not have a weight problem or related health issues, you're going to have to get used to people eating foods you've crossed off your list of choices that are good for you. i mean, how do you handle it when you dine at someone else's home? or at a wedding? and, if mashed potatoes are absolutely your favorite comfort food, but you've added them to the list of foods you choose not to eat, why not take them off that list and enjoy a couple tablespoons as a portion? you can probably eat most of what your family is enjoying, just in smaller, controlled portions. people who have never struggled with their weight have no idea about the intricate details of daily torture many overweight people either experience or put themselves through. it's not on purpose, it's just doesn't occur to a lot of folks. when i was thin and fit it didn't occur to me that others struggled with this issue. before i owned a car, i had no idea the cost to maintain and repair a car! before owning a home, i never knew the expenses involved with restructuring and the need for permits. unless someone has been in your shoes, it's often very difficult to relate to what you are experiencing. my point is, try not to hold them responsible for your struggles and try not to be angry that they don't understand. just put the focus on yourself and try to enjoy the fact that your family is together and eating dinner with each other. my mother ignored the dinner table and ate in secret for most of my childhood. it was strange and now that i know a little more about being overweight, it's incredibly sad to me.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:29 AM

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I know EXACTLY what you mean! My family is also unsupportive. They always offer me fatty desserts and make me feel ashamed of myself if I say 'no'. My mom will scoff, as if saying, "who do you think you are?". When I try the three bite rule, my mom goes livid about me putting the rest in the fridge! She'll yell at me, "what's wrong with you?! Just eat it!"

I'm also trying to get my dad to eat healthier because he has high blood-pressure, a leaky heart, and prediabetes, but my mother just doesn't seem to care. If we eat less at dinner, she'll go, "Pfff. What?! Are you on a diet or something?!" as if a diet is something to be ashamed of!

Sometimes, I think my she is actively trying to sabotage me. Just the other day, she offered me this chocolate, and it looked benign enough, (and delicious to boot), so after I ate it, she goes, "That was 55 calories!! haha!" :(

Of course, she's not that bad all the time. That's just a collection of her at her worst. I've thought about it a lot, and I think that she defines herself by her unhealthy eating. So, when I try to dig myself out of that hole, she feels like she's being left behind. She wants to be able to commiserate with someone, and when I make the effort to eat RIGHT, it makes it all too clear that she is eating WRONG, which is not a fun revelation for her!

Anyway, I wish I had some good advice for you! Ideally, it would be great to get your whole family to eat healthy, tell them about the health risks/benefits of certain foods and introduce healthy things into their diet, but I, myself, have tried and failed many times. Well, actually, I just got my parents to start eating brown rice! So yay for small victories.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:56 AM

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i'm right there with ya! when i go home to visit my family my mom says to me, you look great, have some cake. i made it just for your visit. i'm still struggling with my weight, yet they don't see how much effort i really put into it everyday that i don't want to eat the bad food that i've worked so hard to get out of my body. they see my body changing with every visit, but they don't see the work. they say they're proud of me but fail to realize why i have to stop at the grocery store when i get there to buy healthy food that i'd rather eat.

i have discovered something within me to help this roll off my back when i'm there... i'm setting an example for all the over-weight people in my family, that it's possible to change and actually enjoy eating healthy. the harder i work, the slimmer i get and i know they see it. set the example for those in your family, there's nothing greater than success!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 1:22 PM

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I thought I was the only one with this problem. I guess not. Tonight my entire family ate Burger King & instead of giving in, I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered a salad and picked it up. I used to get so mad, but I know deep down I can't change them. I can try. I really try to make dinner so that I'm in control and when ice cream comes up, I have alternatives such as yogurt or fudge popsicles or something else that is sweet that is within my plan. The toughest part is looking the other way and know that by not giving in to what they are eating you have a sense of "power" of making good choices to help you along in your journey. Good luck. It's not easy at first, but you will get used to eating or ordering somethind different, but just remember: You can do it! You still have the entire support of PT behind you!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:28 PM

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op here. Thanks so much for understanding what I've been dealing with at home! You all have given me some great advice and offered other points of view. I appreciate it.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 12:09 PM

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Put effort into what you are making for yourself - that is my biggest piece of advice! If you're cooking an elaborate meal of meat and potatoes and everything else for the rest of your family, dont just throw some lettuce out of a bag and put some light dressing on the side and call it your dinner. Go through the effort of making something delicious that is also healthy. Sautee some spinach in garlic and lemon, and maybe a small drizzle of olive oil. Cover the bottom of your plate with the sauteed spinach, and bake a chicken breast, marinated in a light vinaigrette, to put on top. Maybe sautee some portabella mushrooms with the spinach, or tofu, etc. Chop up some apples or walnuts or peppers or tomatoes, and sprinkle them on top. When your dinner looks pretty and tastes good, you won't be sad about passing up what the rest of your family is eating. Don't "settle for diet food;" make yourself something better than what the rest of them are having!

But first, if you're nice, before you start cooking, offer the rest of the family the choice of having what you're making for yourself, vs. the greasy mess the rest of them want to eat.

Oh, another good one - if the rest of the family is having lasagna, at the same time as that casserole is prepared, make one but use eggplant and zucchini strips in place of the noodles, and less/lower fat cheese. Sprinkle fresh tomatoes in place of some of the sauce (but still use some sauce.) Add chopped up veggies (mushrooms and onions work well) to the sauce before adding it too. A delicious healthy substitute.

The rest of the family grilling burgers? Throw on a couple veggie burgers or a turkey burger. Enjoy it on half of a whole wheat bun, and load it up with veggies on top (and maybe extra pickles!)

Anyway, basically just take the time to make food good. Then you won't resent the other people at the table, because although they're eating something yummy, so are you.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 12:25 PM

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12:25 has listed some terrific ideas. Here's another trick...

When it comes to snacks and desserts, buy things that they like but don't. For example, I can't keep my hands out of a bag of Doritos or Chips Ahoy, but Cheetos or oatmeal raisin - eh. For ice cream and pies, surely there are flavors and fillings that don't tempt you?

Friday, June 01, 2007, 1:05 PM

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1:05 - good advice!
I do the same thing. Husband loves cookies, give him oatmeal raisin. He wants ice cream, give him prailines. He wants soda, get cherry Pepsi or Rootbeer. I hate all of those above items & wouldn't be tempted by them at all!

Saturday, June 02, 2007, 12:19 AM

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support at home

You know, this time around I just decided I wasn't going to tell hubby I was dieting. That way he couldn't be watching and making comments. That put a lot of pressure on me and ticked me off quite frankly. He used to say,,"oh, did you go for your power walk today?" and finally I just changed the subject,,never answered because just having to answer really made me mad. So that solved that problem and coming from an always thin man who weighs the same as when I met him 15 yrs ago,,he can't relate to my eating/weight problem anyway.

In restaurants or at people's homes when something is offered that I don't want, I just tell them "No thank you, I'm allergic to that, please leave it off" "or that gives me a headache". In my case I am lactose intolerant so sometimes I really have to, but no one will challenge you when you say you are allergic to something. If they do or if some one says a mean thing about anything in life in general, My feeling is this: 1/ Unless you are taking care of me when I'm sick or paying my bills, I don't give a rat's $%# as to what you think about me or what I'm doing 2/ If they are bold and rude enough to say so & so then they should expect the same treatment back!! So I have no problem treating them the same and calling them on the carpet for their behavior!! I just wish I was one of those people who could think of things immediately as a come back.

Saturday, June 02, 2007, 1:28 AM

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I know how you feel. I have weight struggles and food anxieties of my own around my family, and no one seems to understand, or care for that matter. Talking to them about it just makes it worse, so I'm holding out hope for a long shot of a miracle, or patiently waiting for when I get to go to college, and in the mean time, I'm working really hard at my studies, keeping myself busy, and eating healthily and working out regularly. Just know that any weight gained can always be lost again, and rude comments just show how inconsiderate, rude, and possibly insecure that person is. There's a huge power struggle around food in my house, my dad always wanting to go out for eat, and my mom always wanting high fat dinners, and she douses everything in oil when she cooks it. It's so annoying! Me being a kid really has no say, but the more they keep this up, I'm gonna have to start making my own thing for dinner and such. Families make everything harder, especially when you want their support and know you aren't gonna get it.

Monday, January 16, 2012, 4:21 PM

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