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My husband keeps commenting on my belly flab

I'm getting upset about it. I had a baby a year and a half ago, and it was my third and sure, the weight should be off by now but it's harder this time. He's making me feel awful. I don't even know why I'm writing about it here. I'm venting.

Wed. May 30, 10:03am

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So What...

Sorry to be so blunt.. But your husband shouldn't be so insensitive. You are trying and I know that it makes you feel bad. Just let it roll off your back and do the best you can. Having three children takes a toll on your body, think about it this way if it were him that carried those children what would he look like? Best wishes...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 10:08 AM

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take it as a motivating yet uncalled for comment...if he didn't give a ...., he probably wouldn't even notice the flab
that's what i've been trying to do these days instead of getting upset.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 10:15 AM

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other cannot control how you feel or "make" you feel a certain way. YOU control that part of you. sure, others contribute to the pool from which you draw conclusions, but ultimately you get to decide how to internalize something, or even if you should internalize something at all. spiteful, insulting or otherwise demeaning comments can take a toll on you IF you let these type of comments bother you. if instead, you wonder, "why would this person say such a thing to me?" and cannot come up with an answer on your own, why not take the next step in controlling how you feel and ask that person, "why would you say such things to me?" then you can let the other person tell you if the comment was intened to be a catalyst in your feeling insulted. people, even those closest to you, don't always know how they are being perceived or what they are adding to your reality pool, so it's best to open that door of communication and just openly talk about it. "when you tell me i should lose weight, i feel very self conscious. i feel angry and hurt. is this how you want me to feel? if not, please be more supportive of the toll that 3 pregnancies have taken on my body and stop commenting about my belly."

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 10:24 AM

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These comments are way too nice.

It sounds like your husband has a superficial controlling idiot streak in him - I say "controlling" because a hideously large number of men repeatedly insult our appearance in the guise of concern to make us feel like crap about ourselves so that we're more biddable.

I'd mention that trading a belly you can bounce quarters off of for a child should make him love that "flab". If that doesn't shut him up, then he definitely is a superficial controlling idiot.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 11:44 AM

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to the OP

what exactly has he been saying? has he been hinting at or has he been direct regarding your "need" to lose your belly flab? does he make flat comments like, "you STILL haven't lost the baby weight?!" or more nuanced comments like, "are you planning to wear THAT? do YOU like how it fits you now?" a little more info about what he is saying might help you get advice that suits your situation.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 11:51 AM

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how is it going for you?

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 1:16 PM

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Okay, first let me say that no matter how he's saying it, it's WRONG of him to say it. He's not perfect, and he shouldn't expect you to be either after having three kids. I'd talk to him about it, and let him know how much his comments bother you and ask him to be more supportive of you. If that doesn't work, then throw the "nice gloves" off and get serious, very serious to him. My first husband was abusive and I kicked him out after 11 months of marriage, and I will never put up being made to feel bad again. Stand up for yourself, but do it nicely at first, and if no results then go all out. :) Only you can judge the situation since you live it day to day and decide on the best course of action to get your husband to stop making those types of comments. Best of luck!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 2:50 PM

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You can work it!

Don't worry about him... instead, think about yourself and focus that anger into working out even harder. I worked at a country club pool last summer as a waitress and I saw so many moms come to the pool with their kids, and they looked better than anyone my age and I'm 20! I actually went up to one of them who had 3 kids and asked her how she looked so great (I mean movie-star great) and if she had done it naturally. She said she ate 3 small meals a day and didn't snack, only drank on weekends, and worked out all the time I know its hard... I've never had kids and it's still difficult... but it can be done. Just remember this: the harder you work, the better you feel, and the more your husband will shut the hell up. :)

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 3:05 PM

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I dont have any kids

and I still have We dont need anyone else telling us what we already know, ya know? and Im sure that you are doing what you can. Having kids are you really have soo much time to spend in the gym or doing anything for yourself at all for that matter. I wish you the best and I know that you will get the weight off. Good luck and make him sleep on the couch! haha! just teasing.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 3:33 PM

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Fight fire with fire.
My husband does the same thing and I reply with: "You have man boobs." He quickly shuts up.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:36 PM

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Why is it that the men want the perfect, younger, hot body babe, Yet they do little or nothing to take care of their bodies?

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:16 PM

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Does your husband meet your requiements 100% - if not pick on them for a while and see if he likes it - everyone should be supportive of their other half - or your with the wrong other half!!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 11:18 PM

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I agree to many of these comments are way to nice. Often times when someone makes a person feel like shit about themselves it usually has the opposite effect. A husband is supposed to be on your side, supporting you, cheering you on not making you feel bad. No one person meets anothers needs 100%. Next time tell him that what he says hurts and that you are trying but his comments are just making you feel bad about yourself. If it doesn't stop let him know that it would be more productive by supporting you, if it still doesn't stop start commenting about the things you don't like about him. Maybe he is losing his hair (I notice thats a biggie (no pun intended) for men), or he is getting a beer belly, maybe he's not as muscled as when you first got married. There is always something.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 3:42 AM

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I was shocked to read this. What kind of life partner says something like that to the person they love? I think the problem is bigger than a bit of chub

Friday, June 01, 2007, 10:50 AM

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the op hasn't even stated what her husband's comments are, so how can you guys judge his remarks? maybe the op is just interpreting his normal, what-anyone-might-say comments in a way that reinforces her own insecuriteis about her belly flab. i'd like to hear what types of things the husband actually says before blasting him for her feeling fat.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 10:55 AM

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I am the OP and I stated what his comments are in the first post. Thanks to those who I felt took the time to understand me and didn't preach the loser textbook stuff of "no one can make you feel a certain way". I'm sure that person says that but never practices it. My husband can be insensitive and it hurts and i appreciate that I can vent here and be heard.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 11:48 AM

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um, i posted the "no one can make you feel a certain way" comment and it wasn't to treat you like a loser or for any purpose other than to give you a perspective to help you out. sorry you feel like you have to be rude to me for sharing some thoughts with you. i actually do realize every day that i am responsible for my reactions to any instigations i may encounter, and this helps me to not over-react emotionally to another's comments. as far as stating what your husband's comments were, your post says the weight should be off by now and that you feel awul because of your husband. it does not explain what he is saying to you. the fact that you are only thankful to those who you feel took the time to understand you does not reflect well. everyone who posted took the time to reach out to you, even if you can't appreciate their comments. good luck.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 12:00 PM

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you actually come off sounding a bit insensitive yourself, op, in your most recent comments. and a bit thankless, too. just because you may not like the advice someone has given you, with very limited information about your situation, does not mean that that person did not take the time to understand you. i'm more inclined to believe that you are a very sensitive person and your husband's comments are probably not as bad as you're making them out to be. take a moment to step outside of yourself for some perspective. maybe you are just overreacting?

Friday, June 01, 2007, 12:10 PM

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i felt bad for the op before reading her response to the comments people have made. are you sure that your not throwing mud at people because your mad about your belly flab?

Friday, June 01, 2007, 1:20 PM

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to be honest I agree with the person who said "no one can make you feel a certain way" and I follow that as best I can. Also,you're giving a one sided story. How much weight have you yet to lose? and Do you really care about losing it?

I'm against verbal abuse for sure, but is he abusive or just trying to get you to take care of your self for both your sakes?

People don't want to be with other people who don't care about themselves and once you stop looking good to your mate things start going down hill. Of course your never going to be looking perfect or anything and most men realize that they're not idiots, but if it's something reasonable you can take care of like excess weight then you should. If my husband gained excess weight I of course would say something because It's unattractive to me and I think both members of a couple should strive to look good for one another.

don't hate your husband/yourself for knowing you're not perfect and Asking you to try harder to just *improve* isn't something you should feel hurt about. He sees your flaws! You have flaws and of course he sees them. I'm sure he has them too, but we must try to be better people. for ourselves and one another.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 1:56 PM

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to op

you seek out help and then rip on the people who give you advice? nice. maybe you'd be better off spending your time journalling. "loser textbook crap" ? you'd be surprised how much happier you can become when you stop blaming others for how you react. if you think that's loser textbook crap, you have a lot more to learn than just how to be nice to people who are trying to help you out. anyway, best wishes getting back in shape. with 3 kids, it probably won't take long!

Friday, June 01, 2007, 1:58 PM

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Next time he says something comment on the diminishing size of his member.

Friday, June 01, 2007, 3:14 PM

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next time he says something? he'll probably be just as innocent of intending to be mean as he was when the op started this thread. poor guy, having to walk on eggshells so he doesn't inadvertantly say something that his wife can misconstrue and manipulatet to mean something offensive about her weight.

Monday, June 04, 2007, 10:25 AM

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Bottom line is - you build up the person you love when they need, not tear them down, and point out their faults. Whether it be sags in the bum, loss of hair on the head, you are supposed to love each other through THICK and THIN.

Monday, June 04, 2007, 10:29 AM

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so, how's things now at home, op? has he continued to be mean?

Thursday, June 07, 2007, 2:33 PM

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am i missing the response from the OP about what her husband says to her? i can't find an example of his comments. maybe they were removed?

Thursday, June 07, 2007, 4:11 PM

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someimtes people just aren't aware of how their words / comments are affecting others. have you let him know that your feelings are being hurt? has he shown any sort of support, like invite you on a walk or offer to watch the kids?

Friday, June 08, 2007, 8:34 AM

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Saturday, July 14, 2007, 1:49 PM

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I can't believe most of the comments!

OP, if you are still checking this thread, I take it that his comments on your belly were not complimentary. That is very wrong and immature of him to treat you that way, when you ruined your figure (and endured the agony of childbirth THREE TIMES) for the sake of his progeny! The next time he says something like this to you, you should tell him, "You're not getting any sex from me if you continue to make me feel bad about my body. And if you cheat on me because of that, I'll divorce you so fast your head will spin and our kids will grow up to hate you for having no self-control." Why are men so senseless? They want to have kids with us so they can pass on their precious genes but then expect the "brood mare" to keep her teenage looks so she won't offend his precious eyes. Ugh. And I am so very sick of hearing about how very "visual" men are, as though that is so much better and different from being downright shallow, superficial, and animalistic.

Saturday, July 14, 2007, 3:28 PM

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Rolling my eyes at this one!!!

to the 10:15 a.m. poster:
"if he didn't give a ... he probably wouldn't even notice the flab". C'mon! Since when does "caring or giving a ---- equal a put down???? If that's what it takes to know someone gives a ---- about us, we live in a more messed up world than I originally thought!

Saturday, July 14, 2007, 6:29 PM

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To 3:28- Yeah, using sex as a weapon is such a great, effective and mature way to handle relationship issues. Seriously, do you think that's going to be helpful??? Would you consider yourself to be happily married? For any length of time?

Yes, it's hurtful when our loved ones say things that are disparaging. You've taught them that it's ok with you to treat you that way. Time for some retraining! Set out your limits, explain how you feel until you can see that he's really got it. Unless you are also cruel to him, chances are very good that he's oblivious to the degree to which you were hurt by the remarks. If he knew exactly what to say to hurt you, you're probably also hurting him in some fashion, so that should be discussed and resolved.

Sunday, July 15, 2007, 2:36 PM

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2:36 PM here

Yeah IT'LL WORK. Men will do just about anything for sex.

OP: Since men are as sensitive about their penises as women are about their bodies, another option would be to make fun of his dick if he talks about your belly fat. If he's going to be emotionally abusive then two can play at that game. That should shut him up.

Sunday, July 15, 2007, 5:37 PM

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I under stand how you feel. My husband says things to me about my weight to.I tell him it bothers me but he says that he is just kidding and he can say it because he is chunky too but it still does not make you feel good and sexy.Don't worry soon that fat will be gone and there will be no room for any remarkes from him.

Sunday, July 15, 2007, 7:44 PM

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most of the posters sound like they could benefit from some serious, intense theraoy focused on relationships and self-expression. some suggested making fun of the person who says hurtful things, some say to withhold sex, some recommend threatening divorce...what about just plain, good old fashioned talking like one adult to another? how about responding like a woman who has been married and had children with this dude? what, you can marry someone and have 3 children with him but you can't tell him how you feel? there is something inherently wrong with that, if that's the case.

Monday, July 16, 2007, 9:24 AM

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Unless he's a rather well-endowed man, I would remind him that we all have things that we would like to change about ourselves.. And our partner :o)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 11:15 AM

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Great advice, above poster. No one is perfect.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 11:52 AM

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Actually I think that's bad advice. Two wrongs don't make a right, turn about is not fair play, and stooping to someone else's level doesn't make you better, or feel better.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 1:18 PM

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but what about a perspective shift? Isn't that a good thing?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 1:44 PM

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If the only way you think you can change a person's perspective is by hurting them, you're severely lacking in interpersonal skills. AND, being mean doesnt usually bring about a perspective shift- it brings about a sense of entitlement to continue to hurt, creates further division, and doesn't help anyone.

Thursday, July 21, 2011, 1:02 AM

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Considering the OP was 4 years ago, I wonder what has happened?

Thursday, July 21, 2011, 3:14 PM

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