Odd Question

A few weeks ago I confronted my husband about his behavior at a party. He reprimanded an employee for flirting with another employee and the overall perception was that he was acting out of jealousy.

I had talked to a friend and she concluded that she and her boyfriend thought the same thing. Well I told my husband this and he completely wigged out and forbid me to be friends with them. We have been friends with this other couple for about 4-5 years and I told him that I thought his request was too extreme.

Well it turns out, he had a talk with the two of them and told them, from now on our relationship was to be only professional, that we couldn't talk or be friends, and at company events we could be cordial. That's it.

I found this out last night and told him, I wasn't pleased and that I had to really think about it. These are our friends. Yes they said some hurtful things, but if they are looking out for my best interest, is it that hurtful?

I don't know what to do or think. Why is my husband acting bizerk? Is it because he's afraid something will be uncovered? Or is he just keeping rotten gossip out of our relationship? I'm really trying to see it both ways and respect him, but I'm havin a hard time just cutting our friends loose.

Please share your thoughts :)

Fri. Mar 9, 11:15am

Well, he's a Control Freak among other things!

"....forbid me to be friends with them." Is he your husband or your father?

Your story infuriates me on so many levels.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:20 AM

Well, I see two sides of this. One the one hand, maybe you should have only brought up to your husband your feelings on what you saw or felt you saw rather than drag in a third party. By bringing up your friends you put your friendship with them at risk and also implied to your husband that you were talking about him behind his back with your friends about a situation he may find embarassing. I can sympathize with him where he would be upset by that. On the other hand, he is not communicating with you very well either to go behind your back and cut off a friendship when you had already discussed that you didn't want to. That's a bit controlling if you ask me. Both of you need to deal with your issues at the source by being open and honest with each other and not going to a third party for advice or backup. I wish you the best and hope you can resolve it.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:24 AM

Is your husband in a position of management? Does the individual work for him? This is a touchy subject, and my career field is very clear cut. My husband and I are not friends with anyone who works for me. There is a high standard of professionalism, and we both agree that it is inappropriate. In the past, I have seen managers who were socially friends with the people who worked for them. It makes for an impossible working atmosphere. Sorry to be old fashioned, but maybe your husband just "woke up" to the leadership role he is in. Maybe your husband has gone to a leadership or management class recently and has prompted him to react in such a way.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:28 AM

I'm sorry but I do think you husband is acting biserk! He has not right to tell you who you can/can't be friends with. Second, you do have the right to talk to a friend if something is bothering you. I am assuming you were just seeking advice, not putting him down or gossiping about him!
Third, I would closely evalutate my relationship if I were you. Why is he jealous that someone is flirting with a coworker? He is married. Jealousy in any situation isn't a good thing, especially if it wasn't even about you...Good luck and keep us updated!

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:36 AM

OP here

Wow, everyone is so insightful and offering such good views on both sides of the fence.

My husband is in a executive position and that's the part that confuses me. He has been friends with my friends boyfriend for nearly 10 years and has worked with him for the last 5. I just find it odd that he would be able to cut off the friendship just like that. Besides, I think he's trying to cut my friendship off with my friend more than his, he works with the guy for crying out loud! My gut it telling me that he's more worried about my friendship with this couple that for his work relationship/environment. He hasn't forbidden me to be friends with anyone else at work? (I'm not by the way, just cordial).

Oh, my head, my head! :o)

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:45 AM

TO: the Friday, March 09, 2007, 11:28 AM Poster

I don't think the issue here is really whether or not being "friends" with subordinates at work is appropriate or not. The question here is why is the husband freaking out and telling the OP who she can and cannot be friends with!?!?!

Why is he reacting in such an extreme manner? I can understand him being upset with the "couple" for possibly planting negative or questioning thoughts in the OP’s head about his “motives” for reprimanding an employee (when it probably was just him being professional and doing/taking his job seriously – what makes this an act of jealousy) but to forbid his wife to remain friends with them because he didn't like the "gossip" or hurtful things they said is totally unreasonable and controlling ... to me this is where the real issue is!!

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:45 AM

OP, did you ever talk to your husband directly about your confusion over his jealous behavior? Or the fact that he was not at work on a day when you believed he would be there?

Earlier it seemed like you suspected him of being dishonest and cheating. Was that ever resolved?

Friday, March 9, 2007, 11:54 AM

This is the exact same question from last month, I know because I responded to it but now it has all current dates. What going on here OP? Why are you posting the same question?

Friday, March 9, 2007, 1:17 PM

here is the other thread...

Link

Friday, March 9, 2007, 1:40 PM

Something going on

I also remember the other thread. Did you ever confront your husband about your suspicions?

Friday, March 9, 2007, 2:13 PM

marriage is about trust and compromise, so i don't understand why, after getting other's opinions if she wants, she can't either let it go or talk with her husband about her concerns. just because some people have been slighted in a relationship is not an indication that covert tactics are a good way to communicate or get answers. it's just as deceitful as the acts you may be trying to uncover.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 2:33 PM

OP again

Yeah, this is a follow up. I decided to confront him after talking with my friend. Our conversation wasn't geared toward what had happen that night, but she had brought it up because her boyfriend was still mad at my husband. And that's when she made a comment that she and her boyfriend thought he was acting jealous. I didn't pry, I didn't even dig further after her comment, but it did push me to confront my husband. I did in the most delicate way and he flipped out, he became so defensive that I didn't know whether it was because he was hurt or trying to hide something. And now with him telling me to stay away from my friend and her boyfriend, I just don't know what to think. 99% of me wants to let it go, move on, but that 1% is telling me something isn't right. Some history.........we have had a bumpy relationship, no cheating, just growing pains. I trust him, but still think his actions at the party were strange and not like him.

I really want to just let the whole thing go, but something is just eating me up! It doesn't affect me daily and I was just beginning to let it go, but then last night he told me that he had talked to my friends and told them that we would no longer have a friendship, just a work related relationship and that's what opened up this can of worms.

How do you all move past things? Do you pick your battles or challenge everything? I came to a conclusion while driving around, that I just wouldn't bring this episode up, and would try to get over it and in time, perhaps he'll get over whatever he's feeling and the 4 of us can continue to be friends. I feel like that is a bit of an ostrich approach though.

Argh

Friday, March 9, 2007, 4:54 PM

it's not even an ostrich approach, it's a complete cop-out and you should show yourself some respect, even if he does not. "pick your battles", yes, pick them. but if this one you're invovled in doesn't deserve being picked, i pity you when you are going through a situation that does. it may have started out as trivial, but his recent actions have escalated it far beyond acceptable. so he's got different feelings about people, so he no longer wishes to socialize with certain people, whatever! what has any of that got to do with you and ypur identity as a person? and what about your wishes? what, YOU don't count? you can't be heard? this man is a husband, not a dictator. if you continue to enable his abusive / controlling behaviour, you will eventually get used to it. address the issue before it's too late.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 5:01 PM

I do try to pick my battles, and I sure would pick this one. HE can not tell other people that YOU will no longer be friends with THEM. All he has the right to do is to say HE won't be friends with THEM. Get the idea?

I don't know if there is something going on or not with the lady at the party. Right now I would say there is, as he is too extremely reactive. However, that never excuses him telling someone else what you will or will not do. or the relationships you will or will not have.

This is not OK
mariarose

Friday, March 9, 2007, 5:21 PM

Op again

I do feel like something is going on.

First he acts weird at the party, more mad than he should have been given the situation.

Then, we I confront him and tell him that I'm not the only one who thought he was acting a little odd, he flies off the handle and gets so defensive.

Then some time passes and out of nowhere he casually mentions to me that he talked to our friends and forbid a friendship.

And when I question him about THAT he acts kind of gummy but then gets defensive and at one point was upset with me for not saying, "okay, I won't be friends with them". He told me to do whatever I wanted, but was hasty in saying so and then he ended the conversation that he initiated by saying, he never ever wanted to discuss it again.

Seriously, what the heck do I do? I mentioned I started to get over it and then he brought all of it up by more weird behavior. I don't have tangible evidence so should I let it go until I do (hopefully that doesn't happen)?

Friday, March 9, 2007, 5:34 PM

First of all what are you 12? How on earth does a grown woman let her husband tell her friends that she no longer has a friendship with them and how do you allow him to act and treat you like that? The man is clearly hiding something from you. No one gets that outraged about something someone else has said UNLESS it has hit him hard and he is being defensive. He has probably had a relationship with that woman in his office in the past and it sounds like maybe she broke it off and he is still haboring feelings for her. But for him to be this angry about it and telling you who can and can't be your friends, big huge bells and sirens should be going off right now. You need to have a face to face about this with him and if he still acts this way you already know that he has cheated on you. And the sooner he admits why he is so outraged you both can move on and decide what to do from there. But I think anyone reading this thread already knows by his behavior he is acting guilty. Grow up and confront him more and make it a fight until you get the truth. My thought is you already know he is lying to you.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 6:28 PM

On a lighter note from the last poster...

OP it sounds like your gut is telling you something isn't right. I don't know how your relationship works, everyone is different. But I wouldn't let this one go. I think it sounds like there is something going on with your husband and it needs to be handled one way or another.
Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes!

Friday, March 9, 2007, 6:40 PM

Definitely listen to your instincts. You know the facts of the situation. You also know your husband. If you are feeling that something is up then it probably is. Rather anything is going on or not, it is not his right to determine your friends for you.

Friday, March 9, 2007, 10:33 PM

go with your gut. it sounds very strange from an objective standpoint. it sounds like he's covering his a** by restricting who you can/cannot be friends with.

take care and good luck!

Saturday, March 10, 2007, 4:57 AM

He is not going to come clean with you, I think. What I would do is tell him that I will associate with whomever I want. That he should look to his own relationships, not mine, and tell him he better never try to control your friendships again when he won't keep his own friendships on the right path. Then do what you want with the marriage, I mean stay with him or not, just as you choose. But make it YOUR choice.

Honestly, what he has done with you is worse than an infidelity. That can be a mistake, it can be corrected, it can be left behind. It is not necesarily an intrinsic part of his make up. But the idea that he has the right to control you, rather than control himself, that is intrinsic, and is a fact. You know that it happened. Whether or not he stuck some body part into someone besides you (I would say he did, at least in his own mind) is not the destroying issue here.

I would ask myself why that is what I am focusing on, didhe/didhenot, instead of what you KNOW he did, which is unbelieveably awful. That is what you need to resolve more than anything else. Why are you not seeing this?

Saturday, March 10, 2007, 5:58 AM

I am the Friday, March 09, 2007, 11:28 AM Poster

In my profession, the spouse has the same position as the worker. If I manage people, my husband can't be friends with them. I'm sorry if that sounds old fashioned, or even in the realm of inequality. I feel strongly about not socializing with people who work for me. I have been bitten in the past by that, and yes, I was just cordial too.

To the OP, I also feel there is more going on than what is being said. I am not in your position, but I would sit back and be very observant. Not necessarily letting the situation die, but looking for more information to add together. People with a 'guilty conscience' feel the need to confess or to justify the situation.

Saturday, March 10, 2007, 12:28 PM

Holy wow!

My personal opinion may be sort of feminazi, but bear with me. Even in this day in age there are many men who, though they would deny it if you confronted them about it, feel that their wives or girlfriends are in some ways their property. They expect them to do whatever they are told and get angry when the woman expresses individuality. That's exhibited in the way women often wear their hair. I've done this myself. My hair was long and pale brown. I wanted to dye it darker to match my eyebrows and cut it short. My husband told me that if I cut my hair he wouldn't find me as attractive and I was "only allowed to dye it blonde". Foolishly I listened to him. Eventually I divorced him because of his controling nature.

I used to have a pair of friends, husband and wife. The husband bagan behaving toward me much as your husband is behaving toward your friends. The wife was told that she wasn't to see me anymore. I was a bad influence. This was not the first friend that he'd done that with. There were two others. Whenever he felt that his wife was getting too close with her friends he would freak out like that. Recently she left him because of it.

I'm not saying to run off and divorce your husband, but I am saying that you shouldn't forget that you are your own person. He doesn't own you. You do. Your body, your mind. I hope you guys can work it out, but honestly, I wouldn't cave on the situation. Your friends aren't hurting you, he is.

I agree with others when they say there is more to the situation. Honestly the first thing that comes to mind is that he and your female friend might have had something going on. He got angry when they were flirting and your friend offhandedly says that it was jealousy. How would she know? I'd try to dig more into why she thought it was jealousy. What was there to be jealous about? Then again, how often do you and your husband get "flirty"? Perhaps if it's not very often he was jealous about the fact that someone else was being effectionate and you two weren't.

These are just random ideas. Take or leave what you will. Best of luck to you.

Saturday, March 10, 2007, 10:38 PM

If my bf told me who I could and couldn't be friends with, I would have it out with him at right that instant. There's no use in delaying wading into THAT fight. On the other hand, I wouldn't be walking out the door. Or at least not just yet.

I wasn't too convinced by the party incident, but this one does suggest to me that at the least, your husband is feeling very insecure. What seems controlling here may be more like clutching -- could he be afraid that he is going to lose you? Does he feel appreciated by you, in general?

Just some questions that occurred to me; obviously it's not my relationship.

Sunday, March 11, 2007, 7:23 AM

Its funny to me how many comment that they know someone the best. When in fact even if you think you really know someone chances are you don't "really" know them. No one can say they know someone until confronted with with the fact that they don't know them. This is a classic example. Several people state that you should go with your gut and that you know your husband the best, but in fact you are doubting what you think or thought you knew or you wouldn't be here seeking ideas, opinions and advice. My opinion is he is hiding something and is feeling guilty or he wouldn't be so bent out of shape about this. Its also my opinion that you already know this or you wouldn't be here. He is your husband and you deserve the respect that is owed to you, stop being so scared and put your foot down and confront him further until your satisfied with his answers. If he doesn't answer then you've got your answer.

Sunday, March 11, 2007, 7:34 PM

OP here

I have confronted him and he strongly denies anything is going on or that he did anything to begin with. The last time we discussed this, he firmly said he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that if I didn't trust him that we should go our own ways. I can't tell if he was hurt or if he was trying to avoid having to talk about it anymore. To this day, he swears up and down that he hasn't strayed. Why on earth do I think otherwise? I have never been insecure, could I be now?

Monday, March 12, 2007, 11:28 AM

One of the above posters pointed out he probably would stonewall you. You are picking the wrong fight.

Honestly, though, I also do not understand why you are not focusing on the real issue of how he has treated you. You don't have to wonder about that, you know that it happened. Tell him that as he can't keep to the right path in his own relationships, to stay the hell out of yours. Quit worrying about if he messed around or not. Even if he did, that should not be the overriding issue at the moment. What he did to you should not be ignored, why are you doing so?

Monday, March 12, 2007, 11:37 AM

OP: maybe you think otherwise now because of the disrespect you are experiencing. although it may be hard to confront, or even notice, the fact that he has completely overstepped his boundaries with regard to prohibitting people from socializing with you, the fact that you are so bothered and emotionally upset by a subject (and the topic is moot) and that his response is "i don't want to discuss this again," shows an incredible lack of respect for you, not only as his wife but as a person as well!! so maybe the sh*t has finally hit the fan for you. enough is enough, you know? who cares why you suddenly have a need to trust and feel loved by your husband, you have these needs and recognize them now, so act on it!

Monday, March 12, 2007, 11:55 AM

Perhaps you should consider going to marriage counseling. You say that you've had a bumpy relationship, your husband appears to be either hiding something or very insecure, and the two of you don't seem to communicating very well....take the issues to a neutral counselor who can work with both of you to get to the source of the problem.

You may try presenting it to your husband as an effort to improve your relationship rather than attack over this one incident.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007, 8:42 PM

Your husband cheated on you.

There it is, I said it, believe it. Just by reading what you have written I can tell you know it too. You are not asking us IF he cheated, you are asking us what to do. Listen to that little voice, your gut feeling. I know this because I have experienced it.

The best advice I have to give on that it to look deep within yourself for the answer. All the posted replies on earth cannot answer that question for you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007, 7:27 PM

Op here

Thank you to the last poster. My gut all along has been telling me he's cheated. His actions scream it. On the outside I have given him the benefit of the doubt, but on the inside I feel disgusted, not even hurt, I really can't describe it. I so want to catch him or have him admit that I am right.

How do I deal with this though, not having real evidence, not wanting to fight about it (I'm not giving up, he's just not going to admit it)?

I thought about hiring a private investigator, but I'm a sahm and we have joint accounts. I wouldn't be able to pay for one without him knowing.

Another question, since I don't have evidence, do I just move on until something either happens or do I keep prying with the chance that he hasn't done anything and drive him away. I know female intuition is strong and right mostly, but there is a chance that it's wrong occassionally.

I just need to know how to cope from this point on.

Thursday, March 15, 2007, 10:12 AM

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you.

One thing I think thats really important here is to focus on yourself, and reaching out to YOUR friends and family, those who love you and trust you. Talk to them, communicate with them, let them help you carry your burden. This is really important. They will help fuide you.

The other thing to do is focus on yourself. Eat well, exersize, sleep, relax, spend time alone, and visualize what you want your life to be like.

I am not going to tell you what to do with your marriage, but I do know that I was in a bad marriage, and once I confided in my mother about, the floodgates opened and I knew what I had to do. And what happened? A new relationship swept me off my feet, I do better at work, I am travelling around the world. Life isn't perfect, there are still hurdles, but I am not bogged down by my ex and his issues.

Please, focus on YOU

Thursday, March 15, 2007, 10:53 AM

do you need concrete evidence for a divorce trial or something? why do you need to hold the "proof" in your hands when you can't get it out of your head & heart? the fact that you even consider and believe that he has cheated is a clear sign that you have no faith / trust in him anymore. face your fears and get on with your life. you are living in the past and hlding onto the last thing that connects you and your husband, namely the fact that you think he cheated on you. this is not a bond with which to strengthen a marriage.

Friday, March 16, 2007, 8:36 AM

Please consider therapy - marital therapy if your husband will agree to go with you, and/or individual therapy yourself. You sound confused and overwhelmed; you don't have to deal with this problem alone. The therapist can help you sort out your concerns and plan a course of action. Even if your husband did not cheat and/or you choose to stay with him, it sounds like there are some communication and trust issues that need to be worked through. I wish you all the best.

Friday, March 16, 2007, 9:41 AM

Op again

Thank you all for your continued support. I'm glad that I can post this here and get such well rounded advice. I feel like a tool, but I really love my husband and know that he loves me too. I just couldn't ignore the feelings I've been having and have been trying to muster up the strength and courage to face our problems.

Friday, March 16, 2007, 9:51 AM

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