OT: Threatened by hubby's budding online sexual activity.

I've been married a long time. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but recently I thought we were in a good place. I just discovered over the last couple of days that he has registered with a couple of online dating/relationship sites. I feel incredibly betrayed and lost.

Any suggestions? Thanks for any help.

Fri. Feb 2, 4:09am

My suggestion is to confront this right now, before it goes any further. If your husband isn't a cheater by nature, then there's something he's not getting from the relationship. I'd ask him to go to therapy with you. If you nip this in the bud, you can perhaps save your marriage. If you let it go on, only more damage will be done.

Good luck!

Friday, February 2, 2007, 8:37 AM

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through rough times and contemplated breaking off the engagement and going our separate ways.

We decided to spice things up in our life and mutually got online to adult type websites to meet other couples, etc. We set boundries and rules so that we were both comfortable. I however never became as comfortable with that type of lifestyle as he did and I asked him to stop perusing. He didn't at first and I discovered that he was still logging onto these sights and that he still had dating websites emailing him updates of potential matches, he had never discontinued those memberships. I confronted him and he immediately contacted the dating websites to have his name removed and he told me he would stop going online to the adult websites.

I don't think he has completely stopped the adult website thing, I think he might be slightly addicted to them. Right now it's harmless, but my mind does wonder, has he secretly met people, what kind of things is he confiding in these "strangers", and so on.

Here's a couple of suggestions:
*Perhaps join in the "fun" with your husband if you are comfortable
*Ask straight up what is going on in a non confrontational way
*Ask him to stop and let him know how it makes you feel

Keep in mind, even if your husband does stop, there is no way to know for sure that he has 100% quit, you'll have to trust him.

Friday, February 2, 2007, 8:49 AM

I think that what a lot of people get out of those sites is not sex -- actual or cyber- but APPROVAL.

Do not assume that he is on there looking for "real" sex -- despite the media hype about what goes on in one end of the spectrum, the vast majority of people on those sites (I know this from years of experience.) log in because they want the rush of getting an e-mail from someone who looked at their picture and thought, "I'd like to be friends with that person." or "I'd like to flirt with that person." or maybe, "Sure, theoretically I could maybe sleep with him, but in real life he's probably a jerk.... "

For some people, those little tiny bits of "insta-approval" (as someone I just met online called it) is completely addictive. It may be that your marriage IS in a better place because your husband is receiving positive feedback from complete strangers -- and it makes him feel better about himself.

Think about it -- a lot of us come HERE to get positive feedback from complete strangers. And men tend not to hang out so much on weight-loss sites.

Now, whether you should feel threatened if this is the case, I can't tell you. But I would advise you to make every effort not to take this man for granted, and to let him know that you appreciate him too, while you are asking him about this.

Friday, February 2, 2007, 9:39 AM

What is going on in husband/wife relationships!? I am married and can say that my husband and I have a very open line of communication and talk about everything, I would never be afraid to bring something up to him that is bothering me. And I'm sorry but I would NEVER approve of any type of intimate relationship with another woman. And I would never be afraid to say so.

Sorry if this is a tangent but there are so many "my husband is doing this terrible thing" and I just don't understand it!

Friday, February 2, 2007, 1:11 PM

i agree. i am baffled by the ways in which couples do not communicate. how did they even end up married to begin with? and why would you commit to someone you can't discuss life with? i guess this is another area in which i follow the beat of a different drummer, because i would not hesitate to bring up any topic with my husband-especially if i was able to bring the subject up with others, even strangers anonymously.

Friday, February 2, 2007, 1:25 PM

OP here. Apparently, I wasn't being very good at hiding my very upset feelings from my husband and before dinner he asked me if anything was wrong. After a little foot shuffling, I told him what had upset me.

He's a journalist and claimed to have considered doing an article about that type of site a long time ago and that the sites just continue to e-mail him. He was very insistent that he had never written any e-mails to anyone. Of course, if he just signed up, that would, in fact, be the truth.

I told him once trust is broken, it's hard to create it again. We talked some more and I imagine we'll talk more over the weekend.

There is a certain safety in annonimity (sp?). I wasn't ready to share this with any of my friends. At least not yet....

Thanks for your posts!

Friday, February 2, 2007, 3:24 PM

i am so glad to hear the two of you discussed things!! best wishes to you both in figuring things out!

Friday, February 2, 2007, 4:30 PM

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