Giving a guy space- how much is enough?

when a guy says he needs more space, what the heck does that mean? I'm pretty sure in my case he is not going anywhere. helllllp!

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Monday, October 23, 2006, 6:24 AM

My boyfriend disappeared

Hi, After a year of dating my boyfriend up and disappeared it has been almost two months since i heard from him. I hope i have not made a mistake by sending a text saying if we are having problems then we need to work on them. The message also mentioned that he needs to give me a answer soon if its over so i can move on with my life. I really love this man and want to be with him so should i just back off and how much more time should i give him?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 3:29 AM

My boyfriend disappeared-November 14, 2017

Hi, Sorry i forgot to mention in my recent post that my boyfriend lives two hours away and does not have the income that he use to make. He also has five kids am i waisting my time because he is a great guy and I'm not looking at his situation i love him for who he is. The situation has me pissed off because its been two months and i've sent three sweet texts before the last text i wrote about in my post. What should i do?

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Monday, December 11, 2006, 5:34 AM

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Saturday, December 16, 2006, 5:57 PM

My life is back!!! After 1 year of Broken marriage.

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Saturday, December 16, 2006, 5:58 PM

HOW TO GET YOUR EX LOVER BACK URGENTLY AFTER A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE!

Hi everyone,
I'm so excited. My ex-boyfriend is back after a breakup, I’m extremely happy that will are living together again.
My boyfriend of a 4yr just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant. I have cried myself to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again. Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes, my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time. Generally he is a very nice guy, he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along. He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change. I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with. I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe. He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy, he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy. i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Azeez can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 17 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Azeez if you have any problem contact Dr Azeez now and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact.
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Saturday, December 30, 2006, 7:37 PM

HOW TO GET YOUR EX LOVER BACK URGENTLY AFTER A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE!

Hi everyone,
I'm so excited. My ex-boyfriend is back after a breakup, I’m extremely happy that will are living together again.
My boyfriend of a 4yr just broke up with me and am 30 weeks pregnant. I have cried myself to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again. Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes, my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time. Generally he is a very nice guy, he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along. He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot .After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change. I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with. I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe. He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy, he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy. i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Azeez can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 17 hours later, my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my bf are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Azeez if you have any problem contact Dr Azeez now and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact. Email him at: Email him at: Azeezabdulahi12@gmail.com
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Saturday, December 30, 2006, 8:38 PM

As a guy, I second that.

Let him alone and he'll understand that yo "get" him. Crowd him and you'll confirm his doubts.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 1:57 PM

Generally speaking it means that he still wants to have sex with you without the commitment. If he wants space give him space. Doesn't mean you can't be happy to see him or enjoy his company, but do not give him the benefits that come with a relationship if he's not willing to be in one (ie: sex, financial support or co-habitation).

I would say act like you're dating, but not dating exclusively him. Make plans with your friends, don't be quite so available, be open to meeting other people, and just in general start moving on and see how he feels about that. If you just hang around, put your life on hold and come running to every booty call, then all you teach him is that you are desperate and will put up with whatever terms he wants to dictate and he learns how far he can push you. This may not be his concious thought process, but your actions will determine what he learns about your limits and your tolerance for his behavior. In short maintain your self-respect and don't allow him to push your boundaries for fear that you might lose him. Best wishes!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 1:59 PM

if you find it very hard to give him space, try to pretend he is out of town or somehow unreachable. when someone wants space, or time alone, it is not necessarily a reflection of your behavior or how he feels about you. it may be he needs to assess himself and his needs as an individual and it is hard to do so while involved in a serious relationship. just as there may be a time for you to "need space" to regroup as a person rather than as a partner or lover or girlfriend or daughter or mother or whatever, others may need time away from their regular daily activities to get a better idea of what they want to accomplish with their life.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:09 PM

When I would say "I need some space" what I was trying to communicate to my then girlfriend, now wife was that I needed some space.

Maybe I needed to spend a day goofing off and playing video games, or maybe I needed to just hang out by myself. What it generally boiled down to is "I'd love you a whole lot more if you gave me a chance to actually miss you."

Everyone needs alone time at some point.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:18 PM

To the 2:18 poster

To 2:18pm commenter.
Wow, thank you for saying/typing that.
Lately i feel i have been feeeling that i have been not allowing my huby much guy time. Now, im going to make him take it! He need to have time thats his, weather he realizes it or not. Im going to let him miss me ;) hehee

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:24 PM

I'm usually the one who needs space in my relationship. But I've managed to get my husband to realize that it's not about him. It's about me. I love him dearly, and wouldn't want my life any other way. But sometimes I just need a night off, to lie in bed watching telly, reading my book, or simply doing nothing. It always concerns me when someone can't spend time in their own company. The way I see it, I'm in a relationship with myself too. And if I spend some time alone with myself, I'll feel more nurtured and be able to love myself more.

OP, how old are you? I think "I need space" from a guy means different things to men of different ages. When you're 18, I need space could mean whoooa, I'm feeling crowded. In late 20s/30s, it probably means: I need some time to figure things out in my head. You know what I mean?

One other thing. I think it's a good idea to give a partner space, even if she/he doesn't ask for it. They may not be aware of that need in themselves, but the relationship will benefit from some breathing space.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:34 PM

I'm not a guy, but I need space

I'm not a guy -- I'm a woman who needs a lot of space.

When I say, "I need space today," or "This is a 'me' day," I mean:

1) DO NOT decide this is the morning to wake me up by calling at 7 am. (no kidding, 2 separate boyfriends have done this) It doesn't make me feel romantic -- it makes me want to kill you.
2) DO NOT call to check in every half hour all day. Believe it or not, I don't care what you're doing.
3) DO NOT ask your mother to drop in at my place to see how I'm doing!!!

Just accept: I'm probably painting my toenails, breathing nailpolish fumes, and spacing out -- for once not feeling as if I need to be doing something for someone else. Or maybe I'm off ice skating, mindlessly going around in circles and relaxing. Or maybe I'm tinkering around with my junker car again -- to me it's like putting a puzzle together, NO I don't want you to come tell me what to do and how to be efficient, I'm having fun!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:38 PM

a little off-the-main-topic, but

wow, above poster! maybe you need to date a different type of guy! you've had a lot to put up with. i would need "me time" all the time if i had someone do any of the things you listed.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:46 PM

It is a good thing that your boyfriend can vocalize that he needs space - it is a good instruction to be able to give. Last night, I was totally PMSing, I think; I was just irritable. And my husband always needs LOTS of attention (i.e. "Come here and watch how good I'm getting at Wii baseball!" - or, even, on occasion, "Pay attention to me!" - Seriously...) And everything he was doing was annoying me. So, finally I just figured out to say, "Honey, I love you, but I do not have the energy to pay attention to you right now. Please play your games on your own or whatever you want to do, but just leave me alone for a bit." It worked perfectly! He didn't want to annoy me, but, he didn't know how to stop until I told him. Now that I'm out of my funk, I'm happy to give him attention; I just couldn't do it then.

I'm not saying that you demand attention like my (sometimes infantile) husband; just that it's great to get useful instructions, rather than criticisms or complaints.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 3:20 PM

2.38, you made me laugh. I used to be exactly the same. I've never understood why people who live together, for instance, have to call one another up at work, an hour after they left home... just to ask how their day is going. When I had a boyfriend, I'd tell him: Don't call me every day unless you have something important to tell me.

My husband used to be like that, but has become much better. Now I get perhaps one call a day. I explained to him that when I'm at work, I'm working. I don't have time to talk about my day until it's over. It also helped to have "official" catch-up time in the evenings. INstead of watching telly, we eat our dinner at the table, and spend the time talking about frustrations etc that happen at work.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 4:54 PM

I definitely need "me time". I'm outgoing, but have strong introvert characteristics. If I don't get 20-30 alone minutes a day, I start to ramp up and get grouchy.
I have children and work full time out of the home so sometimes its hard. (I'm female). Myhusband has less of a need of alnoe time.

What I do is stay up really late sometimes to get the time I need. At the gym I definitely tune out with my ipod.

Thursday, January 18, 2007, 2:04 PM

Yep, there seems to "I need space from this relationship", or "I need some personal space to be alone or with my friends" and I'm not sure which one your BF meant from your OP. You then said "I'm pretty sure he's not going anywhere." which leads me to think the latter.

Why don't you ask him specifically what he meant and what steps he would like to see you take to give him the space he needs? What does he visualize 'space' to be so that you can give that to him? Is it going out with the guys a couple times a month to watch the game? or is it leaving him alone from 8-10 every night while he works on his car? or is it not calling him so much? Really you guys should try to hammer out some guidelines so you both know what expectations are so that you can meet them. Definitely don't be afraid to think about and stick up for your own needs, whether it be quality time with him, or time by yourself.

Thursday, January 18, 2007, 3:40 PM

personally, if i asked my significant other for space and then was asked umpteen questions about what i meant, i would need even more time alone!! i don't understand why this request needs to be picked apart in order to get the message. just take the statement for what it is. he needs some space. back off with the attention and your needs for a bit. when he has had his share of space, he'll let you know. if you just can't get by without knowing what he is doing with this "space" and where he is doing it and with whom, maybe it's also an opportunity for you, the op, to figure out some of your own needs/wants. my advice-just find something else to do with your time for a while.

Thursday, January 18, 2007, 3:47 PM

My opinion

I think this not only means that he needs space but that he thinks you should spend more time with your friends, and make your own plans sometimes.

My boyfriend of 4 years says this all the time. Neither of us are going anywhere and are completely committed (we live together). As soon as I start making other plans without him included he is back to asking me out.

His famous quote is... "Baby, if you never go away I can't miss you." Sounds harsh but it's true. It's not a game, just being honest with one another about your space. Make plans with friends or just spend time by yourself shopping or at the salon!

Thursday, January 18, 2007, 4:10 PM

I love all of these stories!

Whenever I really want my husband to go somewhere I know he hates to go (ie: grocery store), I just tell him that I am going (without asking him to come along). He immediately wants to come with me if he thinks he's not invited. He falls for it every time! But if I say "come on, we're going food shopping" he'll whine about how much he hates it.

Show him that you can do things by yourself. You don't need him, and in fact, he's not even invited. He'll want to pull you closer really quick! Make plans to hang out with a group of people and tell him how excited you are about going out. Don't answer your phone every time he calls. Even though this may seem hard, you'll have him eating out of the palm of your hand in no time. Be tricky. BTW, when you go out (anywhere) without him, dress as cute as you can. He'll worry that there may be other men around, and may just invite himself along. The sexuality of a woman is a very strong motivator for a man, especially if there is a threat of some other man seeing how beautiful, strong, and sexy his woman is!

Good luck to you!

Thursday, January 18, 2007, 6:30 PM

So true

I so can relate to what 4:10 is saying. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I always take it personally when he wants to spend time without me( with friends or by himself), I am trying hard to understand that this "space" he needs is not about me. I guess men feel easily suffocated whereas our nature as women is to nurture and care ( which can translate as suffocating to the male species if it's overdone).

But sometimes I feel like we are constantly waiting on men to do something. Wait for him to ask you out, wait for him to ask you to maeey him, him asking for space and you waiting for him not to need space again! This is a toughy!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007, 9:16 AM

I am interested to hear if the OP is still with the guy. While it is true that everyone needs time to themselves and with their friends with out their partner, this is also a common line for someone on the way out.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007, 10:11 AM

It means totally and completely back off if you want him in your life at all. IF you don't, keep bugging him.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007, 11:02 AM

If you have trouble managing your emotions (like they feel like they are BIGGER than you can hold in and you cant stop bugging him or cant leave him alone for a while), then that is another issue. I used to be this very way and have been managing it quite well for two years now. What I did was put them (emotions) in another perspective, as if they were some force coming from the outside of me and not a part of ME. I would make a DECISION to ride them out until they subside (and they will, plus it gets easier and easier each time), then I would feel stronger about myself. My husband is alot happier person because of that discipline and I highly recommend it. It is easy? Not at first and some days are better than others, but you CAN DO IT! I would find a way to occupy my time, which occupied my mind and helped me not be racked with wild thoughts and imaginations and UNNECCESSARY FEARS AND WORRIES. Little by little, I became able to handle challenging emotional situations that were very hard before. Not sure this helps at all but hope it does. IT has made my life alot more peaceful!

Monday, June 15, 2009, 3:27 PM

Dr Dobson told a story about him and wife. He said, he told her"He needed some space, she said. You got it. don't call me I'll call you.( Not exact quote. he got so scared he married her. now I am not saying that is going to happen. Could be he he is commitment pphobic or whatever. good luck. It is up to you!

Monday, June 15, 2009, 9:45 PM

My guy telling me he needs space

I feel whole lot better after the threads. He have not call me since 1/1/2010. Maybe he really need time for himselft or on his way out. Let see how it goes next few days. Have a good week ahead everyone & Happy New Year.

Sunday, January 3, 2010, 4:20 AM

PP ~ If your guy hasn't called you in one whole day and you are already freaking out then HE needs the space in a big way. It's only the 3rd that means he took one day off from talking to you. That's not a big deal.

I always wanted to date fire fighters not because they have a reputation of being "hot" but because they are gone every other day. I love that built in block from being too clingy or too demanding. If a guy is at work, you can't expect him to call you and I loved that.

Guys need space. I'd swear it's in their DNA. Give your guy a day or two or a week, they need it and so do you. If you hold on too tight to anything, you'll destroy it and it will start to hurt your hand.

Sunday, January 3, 2010, 9:30 AM

give them enough rope and they'll hang themseves

Sunday, January 3, 2010, 7:34 PM

The story of Dr. Dobson and his wife come to my mind. He was dating his wife( girlfriend at the time, He told her, I need some space. She said, you can can have all the space you want, and broke up with him.. He came running back. Frankly, if he doesn;t he's not worth your wile. There are many star fish in the sea. Don't waste your time with a bottom feeder. Throw him back in and catch a bigger fish!
You are wasting your time, by the way girls, if he says he's not ready, He's not ready, Don't waste your time!

Sunday, January 3, 2010, 7:44 PM

Guys just like some time do the stupid things we do. Watching football, wrestling, and talking guy stuff with other guys. Our brains are wired totally differently so we can't think of those things women think about to long. Sometimes I just want a nap. It doesn't mean the end, its just hey I want to do have some things to myself.

Sunday, January 3, 2010, 8:48 PM

For an older guy...

I'm in my early twenties and date a much older man. We've been dating for about three years. He always needs space. I bring up the future and he freezes up. Since I'm so young I would hate to waste my time on something that never going to have a future...He has never offered me a key or anything...Am I wrong for wondering what's up with him? Especially since he's in his 40's?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010, 4:24 PM

PP sounds like he's married already. No key, lots of "space" time, "fear" of commitment all classic signs.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010, 4:43 PM

For an older guy....

Ditto. Generally speaking, even if your peers seem immature for the moment, you will have more fun with guys your own age range (3 yrs), even if you have to expand the pool.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010, 5:16 PM

From a guys perspective

If you are in your early 20s and he is in his 40s, look out. I'm in my mid 30s and I think young at heart, but I wouldn't date anybody that young. At least I don't think so. Space is good, but what you may want and he want's are totally different. I agree with PP, find somebody younger.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010, 8:40 PM

Giving a man space

I love the one where it says give him enough rope and they can hang themselves. My guy is going through a divorce and he told me, "Let me get throught this..." then said I love you for the first time and then he went into his cave. WE talk, but I really don't know how much space, when to call to say Hi. Am I alone???

Wednesday, January 13, 2010, 3:42 PM

Space Case

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories in this thread. Every thing i "google" about "space, " or "signs hes thinking of breaking up," yada yada.... leads to "hes cheating, hes breaking up" all makes me freak out... My boyfriend and I have been dating 4 years and are (living together) but lately something just seems "off" hes always been extreemly trust worthy - but becuase he is older (hes 29 i'm 25) and successful, i feel like the world is his oyster, and i'm just a clam. I used to feel like b/c i was young, fun and pretty, i had him for good... but lately he just seems to be pulling away - says he needs to think things thru internally (not about us, he says, but things in genearl) - and i find that difficult b/c i was raised to always be talking...

But day and night, i find myself freaking out, "is he going to leave me" "is there someone else" - i duno i think at this point in our relationship we are coming to a cross roads, to get engaged or not.... and i feel like hes leaning towards the latter, i mean who would want to be with someone so insecure?!?

He travels often for work, and would say how he missed me, and wished he was home... but the other day when he was gone for two days - i said "miss you!" and hes like "its two days" wow - guess he wont be missing me but in addition to his regular travel, lately hes been doing a lot more work in the resturant scene locally (recently went into a partnership for a resturant) and thats taking even more of his time... maybe he is spent? Now hes going to all the fun clubs and resturants for "business meetings" and i'm left home to do nothing but think about how hes out doing something great.... i know ppl say go out with friends, but most of my friends are married, or have children, so they arent interrested in going out in the city on a Tuesday night...

that was a lot, but i'm hoping someone could offer me some insight... how do you give space to a guy you LIVE WITH and is out with work/business often? Why do i have to take such a back burner to be supportive... I love this man, and i've tried to talk to him, but i think we have talked so much, that hes tired of the talking - hence why i'm on this "what to do when he needs space" thread... someone please talk sense into me... my relationship and sanity are hanging by a thread!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 9:04 AM

PP, In my experience if you are coming up on a formal engagement and he is pulling away from you, then the end is coming. Stop clinging, even if it is just to an idea. Your relationship is NOT your sanity; look to strengthening the other parts of your life. Improve your ties with your other friends and with your family; look for a better job or work hard to do well in school; focus on your long-term goals. You don't have to tell him about it, but prepare yourself to move on. Focus on YOU, not on being supportive of him. Why can't the world be your oyster? :-)

Also, it's not you. It's not that you're insecure, too young, too old, talk too much, etc. It's that he's changing his life and he's going to change his relationship, too. Maybe he's just not the person you thought he was.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 4:01 PM

"It's that he's changing his life and he's going to change his relationship, too. Maybe he's just not the person you thought he was."

I'm going to have to ditto this comment.

I have found out when a man is -the right one- he wants to spend time with me and he shows me that through both his words and actions.

Sorry to hear about the rough time you are going through 3-24. I have been on that path as well. It sucks.

Thursday, March 25, 2010, 1:23 AM

Space Case

Thanks for the kind words... its just hard, he tries to reasure me, but its hard... hes hanging out in a really great social scene, there are tons of beautiful women... i duno, maybe i'm just jealous...

"It's that he's changing his life and he's going to change his relationship, too. Maybe he's just not the person you thought he was."

Is prob the scariest thing i've ever heard... I was talking to my mother, and she let me know over christmas his mother whispered in my grandmothers ear that he was going to "pop the question soon" but his mom is kind of crazy - i love her, but shes a little off sometimes... so i cant take that as a sure thing..

I've been googling cheating or proposing... i duno, could he just be nervous and withdrawn becuase of it??

I'm just going to go with the flow, and work on me like you two suggested...

But one really tough one, how do i give him space if we live together? he has never asked for space, but i can feel something is off.. i really wake up around 5am every mng with this gut feeling i cant shake - i just know something is up, good or bad... on top of that, we have a dog that needs to be taken care of, and its not like i could up and leave for a few days... plus i dont want the relationship to go in that direction... i'm so very confused... i love him so much, and things were/ "are" so good...

Thursday, March 25, 2010, 9:52 AM

OP, just talk to him. whenever i get myself worked up about something in a relationship, especially from something my significant other said, i am so much more emotionally sane when i just ask them point blank what they mean/need. you'll be able to really respond to what he wants/needs, and he will appreciate your giving it to him!
i have had to learn to stop fretting and just embrace openness and honesty so that i don't freak myself out :)
good luck!

Thursday, March 25, 2010, 10:21 AM

How is it going OP?

Saturday, March 27, 2010, 10:32 PM

OP

is OP me? :) i'm not familiar with post talk!

Things are better, we had a talk, and its really work that has him all out of sorts... things have been like they used to :) I"m just going to work on me, and hope for the best... thanks so much everyone for talking with me

Wednesday, March 31, 2010, 9:48 AM

9:48.. glad things are working out with your man.. sometimes it really helps to just communicate with each other. be forward and up front.

for future reference OP= original poster
PP= previous poster
if you see a thread that says bump.. it just means someone has pushed it to the top of the posts.

if you have any other questions about posting. please don't hesitate to ask.

*lynneta*

Thursday, April 1, 2010, 12:43 AM

Hey 9:48 . . . .GLAD to hear "things are better".

Have fun working on you. Perhaps am evening yoga class?
:)

Thursday, April 1, 2010, 2:22 AM

Glad this thread got bumped. It's been a great reminder that while my relationship is great, it's been a little too easy to allow it to be my only social outlet and it shouldn't be. Just scheduled a girl's night out!!! And am thinking about signing up for tai chi classes (and maybe a guitar class). Lots of good advice in here.

Thursday, April 1, 2010, 9:50 AM

The guy side

It's kind of funny, cause i'm in the same boat, but as a guy. I have recently found out my g/f is pregnant, which excites me to all heck. The problem is, she moved out of our house and went 6hrs away to her cousin's house... I asked why and she said "I need some space". I'm thinking "How the heck could you want space at a time like this??? I'm the father of this child!" I feel hurt that I'm being deprived of the opportunity to see my unborn child grow because she "needs space." It seems to me that she always clung to her cousin, almost using her as an excuse to run away from her problems. "Whatever she decides, we stand by" is the mentality they have...even if they're wrong! She says that texting her more than 3 times a day is "just too much" but all she does is sit around a house in the middle of effing nowhere all day... how could she possibly be too *busy* to txt me? I get mixed signals tho, because when I broke down I told her that if she's happier with her cousin, she should just stay there. Pain came across her face, and she said very softly...."Please don't give up on me." I was so shocked, because I thought telling her that was what she wanted....cause it certainly wasn't what I wanted. I feel that her cousin is passively enabling her from running away from her problems, and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I have to pay our rent by myself now... She left on the 24th and rent was due on the 1st. Not to mention insurance/food/etc. When I confronted her about it, she said "just take me off of everything." I also found out through my computer (her email was saved and I use the same client so it went into it) and noticed a USPS change of address email... Now I'm thinking this "space" time is more permanent than I thought... What should I do? I want to have a life with her and my baby, but not at the expense of losing valuable memories to me and wasting away in debt.... How can I fix this???

Monday, April 12, 2010, 1:54 AM

Gadzooks, PP, she is scared to death. You two aren't married, she might not have been planning to marry you and she clearly had and has doubts about the relationship, and now she finds that like it or not she is "stuck" in some relationship with you that she never explicitly said "yes" to, because you will be co-parents whatever else you are. A woman can feel much, much more trapped by an unplanned pregnancy than a man. She is running away.

I don't think you can fix this. I think it is her problem. Be supportive of her, be clear that you would like to be a big part of your child's life, clearly communicate that you love her. Be strong in yourself, for yourself. The rest of the relationship work is up to her, and she probably is busy. She has a lot to do no matter where she is, in the thinking department, so don't text her and let her think. She needs head space to connect with her values and see how to live them. You can't do that for her.

In the meantime, FWIW my advice is to get into an apartment you can afford and downsize as needed. You are right that getting into debt is wrong. Your yourself deserve better. Plus, you are going to need money to help support that kid, whichever way your relationship falls.

Monday, April 12, 2010, 8:07 AM

I can understand that, but I don't think it's fair I'm left with the bills... I have now recently learned that she has applied for a job over there, and has formally changed her address... I don't know how much longer I can take constantly being given the shaft... Every time I try to stick up for myself it just backfires... I think the only thing left to do is tell her she'll get my child support payments in the mail...

P.S. I'm in the cheapest place around, and am now the only one paying on a part time job at min wage...

Friday, April 16, 2010, 1:56 AM

8:07 here again. It's not fair. It's not financially responsible of her. You're right. And the way she has dealt with the relationship might not be the most emotionally honest, either.
But these things happen to all of us -- I could tell you about my ex-boyfriend. For an hour straight. :-P
Can you find roommates or housemates? Where I live Craigslist is pretty good for that, and if you are a student universities often keep their own listings. I'm sure you've been doing this anyway, but also keep your eyes open for a better job.

Friday, April 16, 2010, 7:00 AM

I have nobody here.... No family, no nothing. The most infuriating fact is that she flip flops on if she's coming back. She has a prenatal appt here on the 21st. Her family has an appt on the 19th so she's gonna catch a ride with them and stay for a "while". I just can't stand that she has a thousand dollars in the bank and I'm left here to rot financially after she *promised* that she was gonna help me with it. I maxed out credit cards for her, but when the pendulum swings the other way, she's not there. She pays no rent or food expenses in the other house mind you. it's aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall free... The only reason I haven't done away with her completely is the fact that there is a SMALL chance that it's her family pulling the strings. Every time we have an argument and a point is made about her staying there she's all for it. I don't think she's coming back. How long should I suffer here alone while she gets her sh!t together? It's not fair, and I'm not sure how much more I can take...

P.S. I asked her to marry me when she was here last, and here exact words were "I'd like to". I then replied "that's not a yes...." She then said "I'd like to.....yes." I think it's not *her* that doesn't want to marry me but her family's opinion of me that sways her judgment. Pretty funny how *I'm* the controlling one eh?

Friday, April 16, 2010, 7:37 PM

8:07 here. Hey, I don't get the impression from what you say that she is going to help you financially. You've learned a hard lesson about credit card use "for" someone else -- again, a lot of people learn that the hard way, you aren't alone. Apart from your relationship, you need to figure out how to make your personal finances work without her. If your finances work without her, it sounds as if they will work with her if she comes back. But practically no human being is going to stay in a relationship with you if they think your motivation for the relationship is that you need money. So just act for the moment as if she is not your financial partner, and make the adjustments you need to make.

It doesn't sound AT ALL like that is really your motivation for the relationship, and again, you've made it clear where you stand and she has to get her own head sorted out on that. Sigh... the hard thing about partnerships is that even if YOU do everything right, part of it depends on another person too.

Saturday, April 17, 2010, 8:40 AM

It's 1:54 again,

I just don't know how I can justify in my head someone willingly screwing someone over so selfishly. I *want* to make things work, but it doesn't seem like we're laying down a very solid foundation by acting selfishly and independently of one another in this very tumultuous time. If she isn't going to do the responsible thing and pay her bills w/o screwing me over, I'm not quite sure our relationship is what I deem acceptable. She's coming on the 19th for her appt, so we'll see how everything pans out then. I really do feel that her family is a VERY large motivational factor in her key decision-making. It upsets me because they think they know what's best, but are only hurting the situation. I'll have an update as things arise.

P.S. Thanks for listening. You have *no* idea how much better I feel when I get this crap off my chest. It's eating me alive...

Sunday, April 18, 2010, 12:40 AM

My fingers are crossed that when you see her tomorrow things start moving toward a constructive resolution. I'm sure that your finances are not at the forefront of her mind; what is going to happen with the baby and what relationship you two will have over the long term is the tough stuff she has to really concentrate on. Good luck and be strong.
- 8:07

Sunday, April 18, 2010, 9:33 PM

I understand your point to a degree, but I challenge you with this question:

If "our relationship" is what she's concentrating on, what does it matter if there's *no house* to come back to? What is the point if I'm $XXXX in debt because she decided to take a siesta? Last time I checked, babies are expensive. Creating a mountain of debt and financial strain will only hurt the relationship she's "trying desperately to preserve." I was also told that stability is a key factor in a successful pregnancy/relationship. This certainly doesn't feel stable at all in my eyes...

It appears she's *not* coming today, because "her right side hurts, and she thinks it's an ectopic pregnancy." Well, she's ~9wks LMP, if she was bleeding or in any worse pain I'd agree, but here's the dillema: I'm a create of logic. There's only two scenarios in my mind.

a. She's having a medical emergency that needs immediate attention, and must go to the E.R. at once.

b. She has a concern about a *potential* problem, and is assessing the situation.

If it's b, she is just fine to take a 5-6hr trip here to see the clinic over here. If it's a, why isn't she in the damned hospital already???

Her "problem" can wait until tomorrow, but it can't wait an additional 5-6hrs to get out here? Something isn't lining up, and I'm starting to lose my patience... She says she's playing it "smart" by seeing a hospital before she travels, but her NAPS are longer than the trip. I just don't see her logic. It seems like it's just an excuse to stay out there... I think it's because her cousin had her baby today, and she wants to stay there. Problem is, if she misses this appt here, she won't be re-seen. Which means, she'd have to see an OB over *there*, whereas I lack the means to drive all the time, and would very likely miss my own child's birth. This doesn't seem promising to me, and I don't really see any resolution in sight. The last text I sent her was this (verbatim):

"I think we need to re-evaluate what each of us wants from this relationship. Goodnight"

I think the aforementioned text perfectly describes my disposition at this point...

Frustratingly,

-1:54

Monday, April 19, 2010, 3:22 AM

1:54 again

As an update, she went to the hospital, and of course everything's fine. Baby's in uterus and she got to see it and hear its heartbeat. Conveniently, the doctor said not to leave town for a few days, so she's gonna miss her appt here, meaning she has to get them up there now. If that's the case, not only will I *not* be able to go to her ultrasounds, but I'll probably miss the birth too... This is bullsh!t...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010, 1:47 PM

1:54

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/ddretard/Family%20and%20Friends/Mybaby.jpg

I hope we can work it out. If I'm a weekend dad, I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night. This sucks... :-(

Friday, April 23, 2010, 3:38 AM

Cool pic, 1:54! I'm happy to see it, and happy that your gf was healthy after all.
Sorry to hear that the relationship does not seem to be going in the right direction. I don't know a thing about custody, except that rules and their applications are different in different states, but if you want advice about that you should probably start a new discussion thread. I'm sure there are many on PeerTrainer who have experience with similar problems, which are unfortunately not that uncommon.
- 8:07

Friday, April 23, 2010, 7:37 AM

1:54

Thank you 8:07! I was absolutely speechless when she decided to give me the original picture... TBH I cried when I saw it I was so happy...

Well, we had a brief discussion when she came into town the other day, and here is the thing:

She told me she doesn't know what she wants right now, but all she knows is that she loves me. I think she feels that the "stress" of working on the relationship will hurt the baby, but I think in the long run *not* fixing it will. At least her intentions are good, because she's doing what she feels is best for the baby. The problem that I have is the fact that I feel that I'm not as much of a decision-maker in the relationship/pregnancy as I'd like to be.

On a slight sidenote, luck is cruel with me. Every TV episode I watched today had kids in it. Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond x2, The Nanny (I didn't change the channel)... All about getting pregnant and having happy families and whatnot. It killed me... Everywhere I look, children children children. Always reminding me of what I could possibly lose... Ugh.

Saturday, April 24, 2010, 5:45 AM

1:54 here

Just thought I'd add an update so anyone who comes upon this knows the ending. I ended up giving up and telling her to "do whatever makes her happy" I didn't call or text for days... She ended up calling me telling me she missed me and wants to work things out. She came back into town for a week, and is highly considering moving back. She's also *very* excited about our baby now, and wants to be together. Hopefully it all works out.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010, 2:23 AM

1:54.

She's moving back and we're getting married! Guess the time away really *did* help. I can't believe it! I also get to hear the baby's heartbeat on the 17th! Thanks 8:07 for helping me deal with the situation. Things are starting to feel back on track.

Thursday, May 13, 2010, 4:41 AM

8:07 here -
Congratulations! That is great news. :-)
It's always hard to have to wait on someone else's decision about your life, and harder still to have to give them space to make it. Glad if I helped at all, but you did all the work.

Thursday, May 13, 2010, 9:46 AM

Things have gotten so much better I can't even describe it. She used to be very shy and closed sexually, and now she trusts me to confide in me and be more open. We have a newfound trust and togetherness I never thought possible. Hell, even one of her old friends in the other town tried to make a move, and I didn't even care. She told me, and rejected him (obviously) but I didn't feel anxious or jealous at all. I'm a jealous type, not kill you jealous, but get upset jealous, and I didn't get upset one bit. That says a lot to me... I really do feel like this is a rebirth experience, and things are only going to get better. It's weird, I know not too many people read this, but it feels kind of like a memoir of sorts, if only for myself. Apologies to those who are bored by it, but I get a sense of relief by writing. Thanks again 8:07... Maybe there will be more updates... who knows? LOL Until next time,

-Joel

Thursday, May 13, 2010, 3:47 PM

Help pleeeasse

This may sound a little ridiculous to some of you and a little long but hopefully there is someone out there who will read it long enough to try to give me some advice. I have been dating this guy who I thought was absolutely wonderful for 2 months now. When we met I was just getting out of a 4½ year relationship, so I told him I wanted to take things slow. He asked me after the 4th day of hanging out to be his girlfriend and I told him I just couldn't do it yet. My birthday was May 23 and that was when we were at 6 weeks of talking, so for my birthday I decided to get him a sweet card about "making it official" and I wrote some really things sweet things in there for him to make the day special for us both. He seemed really excited about it, he read it and was like almost giddy smiling and said is that what you really want, and i said is it what you want, and he said it's what i've wanted and I said well me too. So I think everything is going to be perfect now. We are both 27 years old and I have some baggage that I guess could be hard for someone to fully accept, I was married at 20 because I was pregnant, divorced at 21 and the 4½ year relationship mentioned above was actually an engagement in the last year. I have a seven year old son and I really wanted to be honest with this guy about everything, so I had a really bad situation once and I got an abortion, it wasn't what I wanted at all, but I did and it was really hard for me then and I still have a hard time with it now. I know I can't make excuses for myself, but I was only 18 when this happened and I was alone in the Marine Corps, the guy who got me pregnant was begging me to do it and was telling me if I did everything would be okay and that his parents agreed with him. Then, I was getting harrassed in the Marine Corps for being pregnant by my Sgt at MOS School, I think it honestly could have been the most stressful time in my whole life, so I did it. I told him about this and it was probably in the first week we were dating and he has brought it up a couple times, kinda starting fights with me about it. I tell him why do you have to make me feel bad about something I already have felt and do feel bad about. So yesterday we hang out and he tells me that he needs time, because he doesn't know if he can accept all of the things that happened in my life, MOSTLY the abortion and that he just needs time to figure things out. He said that he "cares" about me and I'm such a "great" person and he really wants to make it work, but he needs time. I was really upset and I told him he was a jerk because the reason I was so hesitant to start a relationship with him was because of exactly what he was doing to me. Then I calmed down and he said he felt bad that i felt so bad, and I told him ultimately he has to worry about his own happiness because if he wasn't going to be happy with me, I would never really be happy with him either. I told him I understood it couldn't work, and he kept saying why does this mean it could never work? and I was like because if its not know when will it? and he kept saying he didn't like the fact that he knew I wouldn't talk to him at all anymore if we weren't together. So we talked awhile longer, he said again he needed space and that he wanted it to work. On the way to his jeep he turned around and said I actually kind of miss you already so I think it'll be fine. SOOO stupid me I text him this morning and asked again if it was what he really wanted and he said 'for right now until i figures stuff out'. and then i texted like a retard a bunch of times, because I know it was only two months but everything felt so good and he was just wonderful, it's hard for me to believe. So I realized I needed to stop the texting and I told him well you need time, so i will give it to you, maybe i am too much for you at this point, do whatever is going to make you happy, because it's your life

and thats it =( Now I know there can be no more texts (I'm at work, put the phone in my car because I was seriously armed and dangerous, lol) or phone calls..

Does this sound normal? After only two months? I don't know.. I'm so sad right now! I introduced him to my son already and everything because I thought there was so much potential. He has a lot going on right now and is confused about his work situation a real lot and his parents have really been hounding him. Do you think he really needs time or do you think he just wants out?

Friday, June 4, 2010, 11:13 AM

Sounds like he wants time to decide if he wants out, or if he wants to stay in. Do not text him or call him. Let him get back to you. Meanwhile, don't put your life on hold waiting for him to decide.

The hardest thing we have to do as parents is NOT introduce our children to the people we are dating. Not until it becomes serious enough that we are talking marriage. And really not after only dating for 2 months. The children get attached in a different way than we do, and it's even harder for them to deal with someone leaving.

Take this time to do things for yourself and your son. Learn to enjoy your own company, or to at least look like you do. Only a small handful of men really love clingy women, and the one you were dating is obviously not one of them.

Monday, June 7, 2010, 10:24 AM

PS - I agree that when a guy asks for space, you give him more than he asks for. In other words, don't get emotional or clingy, don't question or beg, just let him go. Then don't call, text or email. Just back off and let him have the space he wants. If he comes back to you, and you still want him, then it was meant to be. If he doesn't come back to you, then you have to live your life in a way that takes advantage of all the things you like to do. If you don't know what you like to do by yourself, now is the perfect time to find out.

Monday, June 7, 2010, 10:29 AM

Thanks for your replies

Thank you! One of the last texts I sent him on Friday afternoon asking him to take the Alanis Morisette youtube video 'Head Over Feet' down because I posted it there 5 hours before I knew he was going to dump me, because he said he loved that I told him it reminded me of him, he replied back 'I don't want to take it down. It kinda makes me sick to my stomach we're not together', but I feel like he's messing with my head, so I said no, it's alright you're probably right and when he asked me why I told him 'You need your time and I'll have some to me to, I'll give you some time, your the only one I'm interested in right now but figure out what you want and until then you aren't going to hear from me' and then he asked me if I was going to go to church with him and I said I don't know Jim, it's up to you. I didn't text him all weekend, which was very hard for me. FINALLY he texted me on Sunday at 10 in the morning, asking me if i wanted to go to church with him. I said sure and asked him how his weekend was and everything, he said good but busy and asked me about mine, i tried to keep it as short as possible and then i told him i would see him later and he texted me later on asking me about one other thing and i was really short with him about that also. Church was a little awkward, I tried to act as nonchalant as possible. I thought he asked me to go to church so we could talk or something after, so he said he was going home and I asked, you don't want to go anywhere or anything and he said he was tired and I could come to his house if I wanted it. I didn't end up going because I didn't feel comfortable. So he said we how about tomorrow, which is today and I said I don't know maybe, but I don't think I should. I haven't been calling/texting at all. We only talk if he texts me first but I don't want to hang out with him tonight because its convenient for him. I am not going to be his beck and call girl. The thing about being clingy though.. I wasn't clingy, he is the one that wanted to hang out EVERY single day and I should have known it was a bad idea, but since he was the one asking for it and not me I didn't think it was so bad. I don't know what to think, he asked me yesterday after church if i was thinking about him over the weekend? and i told him yes and asked him if he thought about me and he said yes. It's just so strange, I have been getting back into the things I did before him, working out again, putting more time into my schoolwork, but I just don't want to keep thinking it could happen again if it's pointless.. i want him to come back but I don't know how long is too long to wait or how long is too short? I didn't text him once today either and I won't until he texts me.. I can't even bring myself to do it to be honest. I just wish I had some answers and knew what would happen. I am going to continue to not text and stuff and do what I want for now, see what happens

Monday, June 7, 2010, 2:17 PM

I would recommend a book, "Why Men Love B*&ches." I know the title may put you off, but her definition of a b____ is a self-asserting woman, who doesn't take crap. It's a nice, no-nonsense approach and I hate to say it, but it really works. give it a try.

Monday, June 7, 2010, 2:56 PM

Things were so much easier when I was your age. No cell phones, so no texting. No computers, so no email. Phones had rotary dials and there were no answering machines. So if you made a call and nobody was home, the phone just rang until you hung up. Oh, and girls never called guys unless there was a specific reason - having a party and calling to offer a personal invitation was the most common reason that was socially acceptable.

It was also easier because we were encouraged to date several guys at the same time. So if one had said something that meant he wanted more space, there were still 2 or 3 other guys to go out with socially. And those guys always had friends to introduce a girl to. So if you both knew there was no chance of anything other than friendship between you, you could count on him introducing you to his eligible buddies and encouraging you to go out with each other.

Monday, June 7, 2010, 7:10 PM

Good news.. I think?

So it just so happens, I already own the book 'Why Do Men Love Bitches?', lol and I decided that this time I was not going to be the pathetic girl he dumps and then tells everyone how obsessive I am and that I won't leave him alone, because ultimately he really lead me on and just never wanted to give any answers. So after church on Sunday I made a few mistakes with texts, nothing too bad, but just shouldn't have said anything, so I decided on Monday that no matter how hard it was I would NOT text him all day unless he text me, so I didnt... Around 6 last night, he sent me a text, 'hey want to hang out for a bit later?' It was SOOO hard for me to do this and I am surprising myself that I actually can and did, but I replied back "I'm actually busy today and tomorrow, so how about Wednesday?' Then he asked why I was busy and I just replied there is a lot of stuff I put off that I needed to take care of, and he asked again, 'So I really can't see you at all tonight?' and i told him I couldn't. So the conversation ended until 20 minutes later, when he told me he didn't know what was wrong with him, but he was feeling all emotional and he missed me and just wanted to hug and be with me. I just told him again yeah, I am just so busy though and then he said 'Please let's hang out. I miss you and I am not happy without you.'.. even though he totally thought different last Thursday. So I didn't reply back right away and went into the gym to work out and I came out an hour and a half later and told him I just got his text, I was in the gym. I was going to say 'sorry I just got your text', but then I thought, what do I have to be sorry about? He is the one who said he needed time and now he is upset that I am not giving it to him. So he never texted back again after that and still hasn't yet, he is stubborn and I think he is waiting for me to give in. It's really weird I feel REALLY good right now, I don't even care if he decided to start dating someone else right now, because if he does he was never worth it in the first place. I figure it's his loss, not mine and if he couldn't see what he had then that's not my problem. So, it's going to be hard once again, but if he does end up calling or texting I am still not going to hang out with him today. I said Wednesday so I am sticking to it and I am not asking him about it tomorrow either, he is the one who wanted the break, not me, he is the one who apparently thought I might not be worth it, so let's just see how worth it he really thinks I am now.

I don't know, lol! I am really proud of myself, it's still hard wondering, but I am listening to happy music, reading positive quotes and doing anything and everything to keep my mind off. I am not even looking at his facebook because I know he will try to use it get me going. I'll report back with what happens =)) Thanks so much everyone for all of your support and good advice, it IS GREATLY appreciated!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 12:41 PM

To 12:41 - don't make it a game, but it sounds like you definitely do have some 'take care of me' time coming. Way to go for doing it!

Some of us women have this tendancy to put off our own lives to run and be part of someone else's. Explain to him that you need to make sure you are healthy and taking care of things so that when you hang with him that it's quality time.

My husband knows that my gym time and girl time is really important to me, and he has needs for time to himself and with his guy friends as well. We have so much more fun together when we are each making sure we have time to ourselves as well as time together.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 2:11 PM

And I'd be reluctant to spend time with a guy who texts me and asks me to "hang out a bit this evening." If he wants to be with me, he should have a clear plan of how we will spend that time. Ask me to dinner, or to walk through a gallery, go bowling, skating, etc.

And if he's a little cash poor, there are plenty of things that don't require money such as going swimming, having a picnic dinner and a walk through the park. But not just a text asking me to hang out. The implication is that I'm just a buddy, not a woman important enough to him to think about what kind of entertainment I might like to share with him. It's all about him either not being alone and hanging out with a buddy, or thinking I'm easy and desperate so he's going to end up in bed with me on his terms. Yea, right!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 2:52 PM

It's really not that I am trying to make it a game, I just don't want to be taken advantage of and I think if he truly wants to be with me then he will wait until I told him I can see him. I just can't deal with the games men play anymore, I am 27 years old and I am not looking to waste time with someone who doesn't have good intentions. I understand there are no guarantees but I want to know someone thinks it is worth trying to make it work instead of someone who just bails when something doesn't go his way. I just want to see what kind of person he really is and whether or not, this is worth my time anymore. I'll admit I will be disappointed in the end if he goes with someone else or whatever, but I feel like this time alone and this time convincing myself I don't need him to be happy feels really good. I feel like I am regaining control of my life and at least I'll be able to walk away from this with some dignity if it doesn't go as intended. I just figure he is the one who said he needed time, so now I am giving it to him and if he thinks he made a mistake he will wait a couple days to hang out with me and not just do it when it's convenient for him.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 3:32 PM

After all the advice I've given here, last night I took it myself. The man I've been dating for about 3 months told me he is "fond" of me but needs some time to himself to think things through. I said "Certainly, take all the time you need. And while you are taking this time, we are each free to see other people, right?"

He actually looked hurt as he asked me if I would really do that. I said yes, if he's taking time to himself, i.e., not going to movies, museums, sporting events, concerts, festivals or out to eat with me, then I should be able to continue doing those things with anyone else of my choosing. He said he thought that I would "naturally" use that time to focus on things for myself. I said continuing to do the things I like to do WOULD BE focusing on myself.

Now this is a relationship that has not included sex up to this point, because I am a firm believer in being in love before taking that step. I don't love him, but I like him a lot. In his own word, I think I am fond of him. But that's still a long way from the kind of love that I feel needs to be there before "making love" (we are both in our mid-50s and have had extraordinary love in our lives; we are both widowed from what we each called the love of our life).

So why does he seem so unsettled by me going out with others during the time he is choosing to be alone?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 11:49 AM

because you have options! because you're not going to wallow in grief and instead live your life. you only get one shot at life on earth, according to most philosophies out there. make the most of it. a man unsettled will make one of two choices: sing or get off the stage. don't you want some closure? maybe he's just "comfortable enough." at any rate, he's the one that needs to decide something. just go about your merry way and pursue your own happiness.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 1:41 PM

11:49, you go girl!

Your post is so inspiring to me. For one, I lost the love of my life not too long ago, and you encourage me to believe that life does indeed continue. Two, what a strong person you are. You claim your space in the world. Absolutely, if he wants space it doesn't mean you should sit around staring at the wall until he figures things out. Maybe he thinks you have an "off" switch like some kind of science-fiction android?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 6:34 PM

Long Distance Space?

I am so inspired by every post so far! Thank you all in advance...you've helped me already.
Anway, let me tell you guys my story.
I'm going thru the same mess with my boyfriend but to make matters worse... we're in a long distance relationship which means THERE IS ALWAYS SPACE BETWEEN US! lol :)
We got into an argument 2 weeks ago. He was the one at fault but he did apologize at the time of the argument. I was still mad even after the apology and took it a little too far... I questioned his loyalty to me and just kept riding him. Now I realize I was wrong for that and I aplogized to him too but now he wants space.
We've been officially a couple for 2 months now but have been seeing each other for about 10 months. We took a little longer to make it official because we both thought long distance relationships were hard.
Ok now here's the story... at first he didn't tell me he needed space. He just stopped calling. He told me he would call me back after the argument which we resolved (so I thought) but he never did. So the next day I called him. He picked up but said he got busy and started talking about the weather. After a very short convo, he said he would call me back again but again he didn't. Next day, I call him again. He picks up. I ask him if he is still upset with me & he says no I just didn;t give him a chance to call him back. Now mind you, this is a man that has called me every single morning to wake me up then asks me to call him during my ride to work then we text and/or call each other thru out the day ALL DAY!
(Now yes I realize that this may sound excessive but when text messages & telephone calls are all you have in between seeing each other once a month, you kinda give it all you got! He never complained about our communication until now.)
Ok back to the story, the next morning he calls me to wake me again but is very short with me. That night he sends a couple of texts messages letting me know where he is and/or where he's going. I text him back saying I don't need a schedule from him, I just want to talk if he's mad at me. He again tells me he's not upset... he's just busy. The next day a hilarious event happened at work & I automatically called him to tell him out of habit. I got voicemail. He sends me text a few minutes later saying he can't speak to me right now. At this point, I gave up. I was done chasing and trying to get him to talk to me so I just stopped! Two days later, he sends a random text message saying that he was a little mad at me but just a little though & he needs some space. This is when I apologized to him for overreacting and told him the whole space idea was fine with me. At this point, I am now getting a text message from him every 2 to 3 days asking how my day was. Its going on 2 weeks since the argument and we still have not had a real conversation about it. The only thing I know for sure is that he said we are not broken up but he needs the space to try to decide whether he wants to maintain the relationship as well as deal with other problems he's having right now. Mind you, he has not told me what the other problems are either.
At this point, I've stopped calling or texting him for about a week but I'm just trying to figure out how long do I wait for this guy. One more week, a month, what? We are both in our early 30s and I have fallen for him. Now what?

Thursday, June 17, 2010, 9:54 PM

perhaps a half an hour after work--- everyone is different, and some people mean what they say.

Friday, June 18, 2010, 2:27 AM

To 9:54

Um, I've been in this exact situation before, but I've been on the side of your "boyfriend." I use quotes around boyfriend because he is being ridiculous and not what you call a boyfriend right now. I wanted space from my long distance relationship which I realize just means I want to see other people and have my "man" as a backup. I would call or text every couple of days but it would be small talk. THAT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. I'm sorry that you've fallen for this guy but you have to let him go. You deserve better than this and him saying he "needs space" is completely ridiculous because you don't see each other everyday. Its going to be hard but drop him. He will continue to text you until he gets the picture. If you HAVE to respond to his texts every couple of days, just make your responses short and to the point. Tell him you can't be with someone who needs more space than there already is between the two of you.

Friday, June 18, 2010, 11:15 AM

Long Distance Space?

Well, I guess you're right and it's just hard as hell! We've had issues before and it just seems like he's hot & cold. When it's good: it's GREAT! When it's bad; it's HORRIBLE. There's no middle ground with him and I'm very close to just giving up. Right now, I'm still on the fence but I know eventually I will have to just let him go regardless of the outcome of this "space" thing. There is just so much one person can deal with.
Thanks for the advice 11:15.

Friday, June 18, 2010, 5:22 PM

it is so hard to give my bf space. long story.. but now im 800 miles away and he asked for space. first off i didnt know what that meant.. i start txting calling asking writing him letters, asking about why and how. he finally respond to me i guess idk we talk yesterday from 11-2. he told me he still cares still has feelings and still wants to back down to live wit him. but for now he need his time to think. im trying to let him miss me a lil bit more. he told me he can live life with out me but he wants me in it. i have ppl all around me telling me he just using u. if he was using me why would be 5yrs into this relationship. when i was living wit him i didnt give him space i thought every day would be my last of course we had fights and all like any other couple. but it hurt me alot. but i took everything the wrong way and look where it got me. in a place where i dont wanna be he like next month go for it take the bus back i will pay for u. its just so hard not talking to him every single day. i thought hell be on aim or fb.. but he not. but when he wants to he knowns where ill be he knowns all my numbers. i just miss him alot ive learn from all my mistakes ive did and if when we get back together.... i will known now when a guy asks for space u better give it to him.. plus he has alot on his mind to... but he does misses me that plus side.

Saturday, July 17, 2010, 10:37 PM

Guys are tricky. Sometimes they want their space but sometimes they really need to talk.

Sunday, July 18, 2010, 6:40 PM

I feel like the wicked witch of "guy time"

I am trying to learn to allow my boyfriend of a year now his guy time. He doesn't ask for it much. I take it personally as well when he in some cases "asks" to hang with his friends. Well last night he "told" me he was going jet-sking. This weekend and playing poker at a friends and staying Fri. night and Sat. Night. I was shocked of this cuz he usually don't plan to stay away from me that long. I got hurt and told him I was going out to "the bar" he despises bars and hates me going. I don't want to feel like I have to "get him back" for just wanting a day or two w/ the guys. Sat. and Sun. are his only days off and I just got hurt b/c he didn't want to spend one of them w/ me. Well he just called and said he was thinking about it and He is just going to jet ski one day and spend sunday with me. Which makes me feel better. How do I not take it personal that he don't want to spend his whole off weekend with me???

Friday, July 23, 2010, 4:07 PM

Mon Jun 15 2009 327pm

thanks for your thoughts... im in a ldr relationship with a younger guy and often have security issues not only because of the difference in our ages but because we live in different countries...... I have got to a point where I am almost too dependant on him and he almost couldnt handle my need for daily contact of some kind (email, skype texts/voice calls, sms) which he said was killing him and he almost ended our relationship however chose not to because both of us love each other.... and know that on every other issue in our relationship we can be ourselves..and not wear any masks... it does not help that I work shifts also....however I am trying to give him one day/night off with no contact from me in any way and although I am finding it hard I know he appreciates it...I found this website and article and started reading it which made me understand things much better... I am also reading a couple of John Grays books ie Men are from Mars and women from Venus... and that helps also to a degree to understand why he needs his space however it does not help me to cope with my emotions on the occassions where he needs space and does not respond to my attempts at contact which usually result in me being in pain and getting upset and which because we have an odd psychic link also results in him getting the pain also as we feel in touch with each other so much....

I read the comments of the poster on the day/time above and reading that has given me hope.... that I can cope when he needs his time out ... what is worse from my point of view is knowing he is aries and these guys need space more than most guys... and I am scorpio and true to my sun sign always needing to be close to him.. and in an LDR that is already made harder.....

Thanks to everyone for posting your thoughts... they have all been helpful and made me think about things in a diffierent way and also to consider HIS need for space sometimes as much as MY need for closeness....

Friday, July 30, 2010, 6:32 PM

to be honest...

when a guy usually says he needs space... he is interested in another girl...

sorry but thats just the truth.

Saturday, July 31, 2010, 1:09 PM

Im july 30 632pm

re "to be honest..."
well i gave my guy a night off, ie no skypes, no sms , no emails... and the next day he was asking me what time I would be home... I KNOW he has no interest in other girls....he is just someone who likes time out now and again....to do his own thing without interruptions to his thoughts or watching movies or playing games...nothing sinister and thanks to another poster I am learning to deal with that....so I guess the original poster...there can be lots of things a guy means by that remark.... and only time is going to tell what it is....sometimes guys need time out especially aries guys... and whilst its hard on the girlfriend of such a guy...if you can manage to cope somehow.. and get through it... I have found through my own personal experience now.... that he does stretch back like an elastic band and come back to you with more love..and a genuine need to speak to you also rather than feeling like it is an obligation based on the rules of love...

Monday, August 2, 2010, 8:26 AM

PP - I totally agree!!! It is not always about wanting someone else or something different. Sometimes people need time to focus on themselves and get their lives in order. I am in a situation now where my ex needed space. I gave it to him, and now we are working on our friendship (and hopefully our romantic relationship) again.
Giving a person space allows them to miss you, appreciate you, and time to realize that they just might want you back.

Monday, August 2, 2010, 5:18 PM

space..do you have the courage to see what is in your lap..not his?

I like space and return the favor. I think what women are feeling is not his need for space but his lack of pursuit. This feeling alerts me that I, not him, am the one who needs something. I cut off contact. Period. Let him make up the space.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010, 10:53 AM

It means you need to move on.....that will give him all the space he will ever need. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't want to spend their time with you.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010, 4:53 PM

what does this mean?

I met someone about 2 months ago and we hit it off from the moment we started to talk. We live in different countries but he’s away somewhere else for work as well. We would chat all day and night and on web cam occasionally and we both had feelings for each other. He then asked if he can spend Christmas and New Years with me and he got all his tickets booked and paid for. Everything went well and then about 3 weeks ago his dad passed away and he was so upset. He flew home to see his family and for the funeral for about 8 days and during that time we kept in touch via email twice. When he got back to his work place he seemed to have changed… he told me that he had a lot on his mind and we wont be able to have the great conversations like we used to till he is back to himself. That’s like a week ago… and the last one week his mood has been on and off and sometimes he would seem like he’s back to himself and other times he would just shut down saying his mind isn’t clear. Then 2 days ago we had a misunderstanding… he mistook my words and he got so upset and he said that he might make different plans when he visits my country and he was going home to be with his family for Christmas instead. I was so shocked cos it just happened out of the blue and I tried talking to him but then he sent me an email saying that he did have feelings for me and that’s why he wanted to take a holiday with me even though he was scared of the idea of meeting someone from web. Then he said that when he went home he realized that he was looking for a place to call home and it was there the whole time and he wanted to turn back his work there again. Then he said one of his family friend came around when he was there and they got to talking and they continued to keep in touch via email after he returned to work. He said that they was going to give them a shot at being together? That struck me really odd cos he was only there for 8 days and yet for some reason when he spoke to me he still used endearments like he used to before. And after the misunderstanding 2 days ago he sent me an email saying he needed a couple of days, no email, no call. I was ill which he didn’t know but then I kept quiet after that and I didn’t talk to him even on chat and then this morning. I was still at the hospital when I got an email from him saying he’s not sure how I am feeling and we can still communicate, but we were chatting way too much. He said the next couple of months are going to be busy at work but we can see where we are during that time. He said that was the best possible course of action for him at this time and he ended the email asking me to give my feed back on my thoughts. When I read that I was laughing cos I knew this guy had feelings for me and yet he was still afraid of the idea. I replied back (really took my time there) and said that I was ill and haven’t been online. I told him that I had looked back at the emails and chats we had the last couple of days when I was ill and I told him I need some time to think over some of the things and will try to get back to him later, and that I need my space right now but we could still communicate if he wants. I got a reply a little bit after that saying rest and get better. I’ve read all the comments here and I’ve learned a trick or two…and I do hope you guys can give me some ideas on how to move on from here? Thanks

Agie

Monday, October 4, 2010, 7:06 AM

ldr bf of 2 years asked for a break..

Me and my boyfriend live 2 hours away, and only get to see each other every other weekend. We've been together for 2 years, and we've been through quite a bit together - but we always seem to manage. About 3 months ago, he cheated on me.. but it was an honest to god mistake and he called me right after it happened and told me everything. He came down the day after to try and fix things, but I broke it off. We were apart for less than a week, but I ended up taking him back because I knew it was just a mistake - one that he owned up to and tried to fix. I know it was a mistake because he doesn't have a history of cheating or being dishonest, and it was the girl who started it and he made her stop. I've recently forgiven him completely for it, but I'm not sure if he's forgiven himself. I moved in with him 2 weeks ago, but it only lasted a week (I'm back home now). Now that I look back at it, both of us weren't ready, and the timing was awful. I think it may have made things worse. He asked me to move back home because he felt like he was being suffocated, and that he just isn't himself anymore because of what he did. I can understand why he felt suffocated, because I can be controlling. I don't really have friends, and I never go out - it's like I expect him to do the same. And to add to it, lately we've stopped going out and doing things, now we just sit at home and do nothing because he's always tired after school and work. I always try to make plans to go out to dinner or to a bar, but he always says "tomorrow" or "later". I think he may have feelings for one of his co-workers which is giving him doubts that he may cheat again. He's constantly talking about her to me, and he txts her more than he does me. One time all 3 of us hung out, and I felt so left out because they were only talking about work (what am I supposed to say?). She even asked him to grab something out of her purse, and he was totally fine with it, no questions asked - and just did it. It took him MONTHS to even go near my purse, and I had to beg him. I feel like I'm watching him slowly go towards her, and away from me. I've asked him a few times if he has feelings for her, and he always says that they're just friends.. but one time he admitted that he thinks she's cute, but that they're honestly just friends and that there's nothing there. He asked for a break, but said that the purpose wasn't for us to see other people, but he just needs time and space to think about everything. I made it very clear to him that if he's test driving another relationship, or does anything that would be considered cheating that when he comes back, I won't be waiting. I've been using this time to try and make friends and to really work on myself to change things that need to be changed. Gaining my trust back is taking way too long, because it's hard for me to trust others.. so I told him that I'm going to risk it, and give him 100% of my trust - and if he blows it.. then he blows it. I trust him, and I've forgiven him.. what else can I do? I've had enough time, but he hasn't. It's really hard for me to not talk to him, and he gets mad if I slip up and txt him or something - saying that it isn't giving him space. I really want things to work out, and by just sitting back and doing nothing, I feel like I'm literally doing nothing. I feel like I need to show him that I've changed, but I have no way to do that. I don't know what he's thinking.. does he really just need time to improve himself.. or is he looking for reasons to leave me for her, and trying to soften the blow?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010, 9:21 PM

Salvageable?

I have been with this girl for 3+ years and we have been engaged for a bit. We have had some problems, I would like to think nothing too unresolvable or uncommon, this year and it's come to head the last two months and the seriousness of our fights have increased (ie both saying it's over and being ultra-critical of each other). I should note the last six months for me have been bad: most importantly parent ill, I had sport related surgery, buying house together, job change etc.). I couldbe handles things better but I guess I didn't. . Anyway, after these two months of more intense back and forth struggle and leaving me already for a bit, she now is asking for space. I also don't like the sounds I am getting from her when I try to discuss/debate about the space, what I'm feeling and what I think we should do for our relationship. That's hard enough in itself but I need her now - not for me to cry on her shoulder but 'to be there'. Do I forgive her? Do i need to move on and not accept this? Do I hang around and try so hard to give her space during all this and worrying about us and our commitment to each other? I understand how someone can need space but can I not expect more care and patience considering the timing? I love her, the way we used to be for so long. It's a shame how we deal with these things.

Saturday, November 27, 2010, 6:27 AM

A little Help Please

What should I do about this?..... Me and My boy friend have been dating for a lil over a year . We only see each other on the weekends because he is in the army and lives an hour from me. Hes 23 and as much as I love him He goofs off as if Im not even with him.. when i am. so pretty much he acts like he 17 .. I barley talk to him during the week. I dont tend to hubber over him but ever sense i moved back from Miami to be with him,I notice myself getting more annoyed with how he acts and its harder for me to put up with it... Like I notice my self freaking out over dumb shit now and i think some of it is because he tends to through a lot in my face or he likes to repeat something hes already told me about us and i feel like hes testing me or trying to piss me off. lol. I love him more then anything and dont want to let him go. But damn he doesn't get why i feel annoyed ...and the only time he talks about space is the weekends that we spend.. pretty much the only two days we have together.... what do i do? how do i handle not getting aggravated with him when were talking?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011, 9:31 PM

Complicated man

All I can say to everyone is who knows what is going on in their heads when they say they need space, or act all distant. My experience is I was with my ex for 6 years and we really had a great relationship, I mean we hated being apart. The thing was I had times when I felt something should be moving forward (as in ring, marriage talk) and it wasn't. So I decided to give him space and moved back to my home state. He kept talking about "cant wait to get married", then bam, came "I need space and we should end it". Maybe I should have seen it coming, don't know. So I gave him time to think about it, and he said he wanted us to be together and me to come back and get married. Time goes and we are making plans, I said I wanted us to be married, at least engaged before I came back. We made plans for a wedding and two weeks before the wedding he calls it off! I mean, if he had problems with everything why did he say he wanted to get married and agree to it in the first place! If you really love someone that is what you do. Maybe he was scared becuase he really hurt me the first time. Now we are talking again, casually, but he has been mushy and said he loves me. He told me he wants to sort out issues with me but doesn't know if they can ever be resolved (in this time I have figured out I was pushing him too much) but he is acting very cold. Talk about complicated, and I don't know whether to tell him to go away or just tell me what is going on in his head. Should I wait longer? I really feel like if he wanted something between us he would be wanting to talk, like they say when a guy wants you he will go out of his way to show it...

Friday, January 7, 2011, 8:49 PM

In response to the pregnant girlfriend moving in with her cousin. I'm thinking she has gone to her cousins so she is somewhere she can figure out what she wants for herself and for the future of your child. Several times in your posts you emphasize how you are now paying the rent alone and the bills alone and only work part-time minimum wage. So it seems you are dependent on her for financial reasons. She is going to have a baby and needs to know she is going to be cared for, because she may work at the moment, but she will have to take time off when the baby is born. Texting her three times a day and she's told you that's too much, then you should respect that. Maybe spend this time making your life better. Return to school or seek a full-time job at a higher wage so you can take care of yourself and you're not dependent on her. You will have a child to take care of no matter which way it ends up going. So put that thought in your mind and motivate yourself to want a good life for your child. Also, I would back off emphasizing how you have to pay bills all alone now. A lot of us do and that's just life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011, 9:03 AM

Repl

Your not alone. I met a man who was separated from his wife. We started haning out and then he divorced her. We got really serious really fast. We are long distance so made plans every month to see each other until I moved in with him. I thought he was a little possessive at first and I asked for a day off. He didnt take it well and ven a month in half later says he never got over and now her needs time and space. He finally got her moved into another house and this caused a bit of pain for him as well. He says he loves me and doesnt want to lose me but needs some time to clear his head. He says that he doesnt want to ruin our relationship as he has ruined all the others. He says he is in love with me and If I loved him I would give him this space. I said so we are breaking up? He said no I didnt say that. He said he just needs to put us on hold.

Im still dumbfounded but told him to take the time he needed. I just wish he would have given me that time when I asked for it. And when I asked for it I didnt put the relationship on hold, change any plans, I just needed some time to get past some other issues I had going on.

Friday, January 28, 2011, 10:21 AM

troubled engagement

I have been with a guy for three yrs now. After 3 months of dating I moved in with him because he really wanted me to, me being in love, I did. For months of dating, he would pick me up from my house and take me to dinner every night, we would go somewhere in the weekends all the time, just do something. He gave me gifts, jewelries, etc showing how much he is inloved with me...I was 21 and he was 26 when we met. We live in the UAE (Dubai). He had a great job and i stayed home, I do all the household chores...make him breakfast ,lunch, dinner...Laundry all that! I gave up all my job offers abroad to be with this guy, we want to be together do bad...
So this was the fairy-tale la la land where we lived/had then...and so few months later the fighting started, we would break up with each other and make up. I know this is not healthy but easier said than done, can't control what you say or do when you are emotional. Despite all that fighting, 14 months later he proposed to me and he gave me the most beautiful ring ever. He thought it would stop the fighting but it didnt. It goes on...Time came that we hurt each other physically, he left for the US to have a break and cant punish himself more that he choked me, but I am unsure if I pushed him that far to do that? So 3 weeks later, we rekindled things, everything was ok...then I found out that he had flirted with another girl during those days he was away, calls and text messages, nasty ones. Then I saw a pic of them hugging!!! I am devastated as he left me and I was waiting for him...He told when he get that he gave me the benefit of the doubt and yet he this to me. Is that cheating?I love him so there I am still with this guy. So after this, 6 months later, Feb 2010, we moved back to the US. He had to go work in Afghanistan. Though we are far away we would fight over silly things..break up and make up! So october 2010 comes, and I see him again, things should have been pretty and dandy. But whenever I do things he doesn't like, I am human and I do things stupid, he morphs into Godzilla, just very angry at me. He said only me who can make him sooo angry whom he loves so much. So this vacation turned into a very unpleasant one because of me. Break up and make up again! He just has his way of making me leave and me, I would just leave, this always has been the situation when we argu. But we both forgave and forget. 4 weeks later, he had to go again. Noe its Feb 2011. I dont want the fighting anymore, I want to actually change things between and like he asked me to (to grow up). I wanted a separation for a short period of time so we missed each other. Maybe if we did, we would treat each other better. He freaked out, angry and said, no we are done for good...and then I just stumbled and cried..The next day I want to explain and he doesnt want to listen. He wanted to be left alone, space and time blah blah...and here I am asking him to stay and work it with me. Our last was really bad, I mean really bad...2 weeks I havent heard from him. In between this 2 weeks he is back in the US, I am kind of up in the air, if we were through or not. If he really meant what he said, because he was angry then.. should I move on? PLEASE HELP

Sunday, February 13, 2011, 8:11 AM

8:11 - reread your post after the dreamy, lala land part. However long you stay together -that's what it's going to be like. Only worse.

Sunday, February 13, 2011, 9:12 AM

How much time? What to do?

Manolo wrote:

Wow, i thought i was the only pne going through this seemingly hard and rough time. My boyfriend aso said he needed some space,(though when i asked him if he still wanted to be in a relationship, he said yes but...)he didn't tell me what the buts were except he felt he was under a lot of pressure from work and me and his feelings had changed. i'm not so sure why the space, he's a very reserved person and doesn't communicate his feelings very well, he says he doesn't know how long he's like some space for which doesn't relly help. it's been 5 weeks now and there's no real sign of things getting better meaning, no signs of us rekindling our relationship. Though he does text most of the time and occassionally call. Why does he text? should i respond all the time? I would really like this to get back with him. But not sure how long to wait, i'm confused whether to start dating again and if we would ever get back together. I've had opportunities to go on dates but have turned them down mainly because i don't fancy them in that way and also because i wasn't sure i should be dating at this time. Should i start dating again? What do i do? How long do i wait? Sould i assume it's over? Any response would be much appreciated. Oh another thing.. he lives with flatmates who have done the same thing to their girlfriends, even broken up with them and are always going out partying..

Tuesday, March 1, 2011, 11:49 PM

giving a guy space

You want to know what actually works? Follow these steps and He will come back to you!

Give him a call and say "You're right, I think we should take some time apart" then completely ignore him. Actually do everything you can to forget about him. Don't call, text, email, facebook or anything. He will be like "WTF??" (he will call within 3 days) In the meantime to keep your mind off him (which is very hard, I know)

Give yourself a makeover. Not that you need it, Just so you feel good about yourself.

Join a club or find a new hobby, something that really excites you that you actually look forward to. Persue your passion.

Go out with your girlfriends and dance and have a crazy night out.

When he calls, you should answer and just say "oh...hi" like you're suprised to hear from him. Then, this is very important, act like you are happy and right in the middle of something super fun. Actually it helps to be laughing when you answer. "I can't really talk right now, can I call you back in 5 minutes?" (say it like you're in a hurry. Then don't call him back. At this point you will have him hooked. He will call you again in 5 minutes when he hasn't heard from you but don't answer this time. If he keeps calling you can answer after the 2nd or 3rd time but again say "I'm really busy can I call you later?" Then wait a few hours and call him. If he wants to see you, tel him to take you out for dinner. If he doesn't want to buy you dinner but wants you to come to his house then he is only interested in one thing. You are better than that and deserve better. You deserve the perfect guy for you, one that never wants space from you ever. Go to his house and hear what he has to say then say "I really have to go, I have a date"

Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 11:32 AM

Shopping and other errands

LOL, I just read your post and realized this is what my hubby does to me. If he tells me that I have to go with him I whine and say I hate shopping. If he says he's going on his own I am very sweet and eager to please him and say "do you want me to come with you?" even though I don't want to and he says "yes please, I would love that" LOL I think he's been tricking me into now!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 11:35 AM

You're normal

I think it's normal for girls to act this way especially if you have had some emotional trauma in your life and it sould like you have. I used to act this way and I went through relationship after relationship and by the time I turned 29 I just wanted to be single. I was finally happy with just me and I didn't want to be with anyone. That is when I met the man of my dreams and everything worked out so perfect because I wasn't so clingy and desperate anymore LOL. 2 years later we are living together and engaged. We are so happy everyone tells us we are the perfect couple. Good Luck sweetie. I feel really strongly for you because I've been trhough some similar things. xo

Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 11:42 AM

troubled engagement

Sounds like cheating to me. You need to work on being happy with yourself or you will never be happy with him. Please get out of this relationship before it's too late. He is abusive and there is no excuse for that. I don't care how stupid your comments are or how bad your mistakes are, violence is not ok. You need to leave now.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 11:47 AM

Somewhat confused :-s

My bf of 2 years asked for space 6wks ago, so i did, though at first i resisted but now i have totally let him be. The thing is he still texts me once or twice a day and i respond. However, there's no talk of us getting back together. Our recent text conversations are very light. H e was studying for an exam which he took today. I'm just somewhat confused as to why he isn't talking about getting back together. Is is because i respond to his texts? (though not promptly). What could he be thinking? Any advice would be appreciated.
:-)

Saturday, March 5, 2011, 8:20 PM

SA

hey guys help me out i am v confused about my relationship.ma guy used to see me daily and call me all the time.now he has moved to some other place for work and he changed totally.from the past two months he never calls..i call he says he is busy..there is no sign i m getting from his actions that he love me..but he keeps telling that he loves me and is planning for our future and is busy in work all the time.doesnt lets me go.

Link

Wednesday, April 27, 2011, 6:19 AM

SA

i try other things like work and my studies and i dont cling to him anymore but i need him.

Link

Wednesday, April 27, 2011, 6:50 AM

To much space

I don't know what to do, I've been dating this man for 9 months now, in the beginning everything went fine, we talked a lot and we loved spending time with each other everyday. since i went on vacation with my family for a month he was missing me more than ever, now that I'm back he travels for his job we see less of each other, and he just keeps asking for space. first he didn't want to see me as much, and than it was calling him, and now its texting him. and we text because thats what he wanted and i was okay with that because i don't want to lose content with him. We are still together but i don't know what to think at this point? like how much space should you gave a guy when his not even here?

Thursday, April 28, 2011, 7:24 PM

I don't really know, but my gut instinct, that the 7 months were the honeymoon period and the last 2 months, trying to cool things down.

Only you can really do what is right for you, and decide if he is really working for your future together, and if he is, are you willing to wait patiently and quietly for him.
If not, don't waste your time and move on. 9 months is a long time to invest but not a long time for you to walk away and find someone who won't make you feel confused (not in a good way) and doesn't want to make time for you when not working.

Could you ask him outright?

Saturday, April 30, 2011, 8:08 AM

I think it's time to read between the lines, ladies. If these guys wanted to be with you, they'd be with you. Texting keeps you around, but at an arms length and completely on their terms. Do yourselves a favor and make yourself available to guys who actually want to be with you.

Saturday, April 30, 2011, 12:19 PM

im in a serious relationship with my bf for 2 yrs i want a really close relationship il admit i can sufficate him abit n abit hard to handle lol :s but he wntpace i give him space but i feel he wants to much space hel only wana talk for half an hour a day mby even in 2 days he never wants to be with me he always wants to be with the boys he likes distant relaionships he likes his space i like close relationships whats the point of a relationship if it feels like your not in one am i bein to sellfish?? should i give him space? well i am pushing him away

Sunday, September 25, 2011, 7:37 PM

hes always there for me alwayss and loves me hes never betrayed me but he just doesnt like bein really close hes dedicated to his mates is this bad or is it just me??

Sunday, September 25, 2011, 7:39 PM

In my experience, if a guy loves you he never wants space. He's almost smothering. But, you have to respect someone else and it's always a give and take.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011, 10:35 AM

Hi guys,
I am going through a complicated situation at the moment and i would really need some good advice. I will try to keep the story short so i will not bore anyone.
Basically i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. During these years we lived in different cities but we would either see each other at the end of the week or we would spend the holidays together. He was literally the perfect guy, caring, loyal, so loving, literally treated me like a princess. However, due to previous bad experiences from my past relationships i stupidly placed my insecurities oh him many times (either jealousy or over-possessiveness) and argued a lot until he eventually broke up with me. Soon after the break-up we had a discussion and we said we will sort things out. Everything was going pretty well but, i started panicking and i was calling too much, asking the same questions etc. He kept on telling me he needs some space to do his own thing, i kept promising but it was so hard to dettach as i missed him a lot. We live in the same house and now not only things haven't been sorted but he is really angry at me, hardly talks to me and furthermore keeps complaining that i do not give him any space at all and that makes him resent me so much. I feel so sorry about everything i have done and i wish he could understand that, but i miss him and i feel like i want to talk to him or just spend time together. I would like to try and get back with him but i don't know what to do in this situation!
Any advice?

Thank you so much!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011, 2:59 AM

Pp, your ONLY chance at getting another shot with him is to apologize for your insanity and then back off. All the way off. Leave him alone, get your act together, learn from your mistakes and move on with your life. You can't peck him into wanting to be with you. You can only straighten yourself out and maybe he'll come back. If not, you'll at least be more mature in your next relationship.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011, 11:34 AM

Sounds like the long-distance relationship worked for him, but the conventional arrangement does not. If I were you I would move out, break off the relationship, and start over with a guy who wanted to be with me.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011, 2:44 PM

guy space

hi not sure if im writing this in the right bit but i need advice about my guy. we've been together for 2 1/2 years and in this time we have had major financial difficulties, he wanted everything and i gave it to him, i took out loans for him because he wasn't eligible to get them, then when he couldn't pay them it sent me into bankruptcy. pretty much from day one he was living with me at my parents house rent free. he has trouble keeping jobs. i love this guy with all my heart and i know what he has done has hurt me so much, he had a gambling problem and was using my money to play poker and poker machines. we had fights about all the money he was taking and losing and he would always say ill make it up to u i promise things will change. now he says he wants to pay back all the money he owes me and my parents and needs a break and space to do so. we've broken up and im not sure if its for good or until he gets over his rough patch. he says he still loves me and there is chance for us in the future just not right now. he just wants to sort himself out. he has moved out of my house with his freind and says he has a pay back plan to pay me back, keeps saying ur better off without me, things will be better in the long run. he is very confusing one day its like there is a chance we will get back together and other days i feel like ive lost him forever. i dont want to lose him because im so happy with him besides the money issues everything was fine. i feel like its my fault because i let him walk all over me and got us into this rut. how long is enough time for him to realize that he wants me back. am i delusional to think we will have a future together should i just move on?

Monday, January 9, 2012, 8:35 PM

ooof, 8:35! It sounds like he IS being responsible for your well-being by getting away from you and staying away. That guy is bad news. At least he knows that you deserve better.

And let's face it, he also knows that you were enabling his addiction. If he really wants to get over the addiction, he has to get away from his enablers.

Just let go.

Monday, January 9, 2012, 9:32 PM

He told you you're better off without him. BELIEVE HIM.

Monday, January 9, 2012, 9:43 PM

what to do

you all sound supportive and not nasty with your answers, hoping someone can give me an idea of what I should do.

My bf and I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years, we had had our issues but we have stayed together.
We had a horrible year last year, he had a heart attack just after his 48th birthday the week before Xmas 2010, I found out I had breast cancer January last year, we haven't seen much of each other due to my treatment, he not feeling all that great, anyway I have been stressing because he hasn't been very communicative and the medication I am on with the chemo is putting me through menopause.
I was struggling sent him an email saying I was struggling, not having a go at him at all, I got a text saying he had been in hospital with more chest pains, his family were hassling him checking up on him, he asked for some space so he could work out what he was going to do workwise as he wouldn't employ him.
It's been nearly a week, I don't know how he is, or what I should do, should I contact him or wait for him to contact me, should I just email and say I'm thinking about him, hope he is okay and that I love him? or leave him alone?
j

Thursday, January 12, 2012, 2:42 AM

Boyfriend of nearly 5 years wants space

February 8, 2012 will be our 5 year anniversary. He just told me last night (exactly 4 weeks until our anniversary) that he wanted "a break" and I do not know what that means. Is he tired of me? Does he want to explore more options with other girls? I asked him what a break meant and all he told me was space and time to get to know ourselves. He said he believes we may be taking each other for granted and if we spend time apart, we will begin to appreciate each other again.
I am so unsure of what to do. I have cried ever since he told me this and I would really love some help. I care for this guy SO MUCH and I thought he was "the one." He said we can still talk and that if I ever need something, I can always turn to him and he will help. I just don't know how long this so called break will last and if it will actually help us as a couple.
Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Long term relationship and all? People are telling me to just give him space like he requested because if I keep bothering him, I will push him away further. I absolutely do not want that. I just wonder if we will reconnect after this break.

Thursday, January 12, 2012, 12:01 PM

it works sweery,its currently working 4 me.my boyfriend asked for sometime alone,without calls and messages whch i gave to him and guess what i'm feeling it and loving him even more.i know he loves me too just that he has somethings to sort out without me around.

Thursday, January 12, 2012, 3:47 PM

How long do you give them? I don't know how he is healthwise, I know this has been extremely hard for him as he thinks he is invincible
j

Thursday, January 12, 2012, 3:53 PM

Sounds like you're feeling confused by the lack of clarity. How frustrating! I think it's totally reasonable for someone to want space. I also think it's totally reasonable for you to get some actual answers. Is he feeling taken advantage of? Does he think you are? Are you are allowed to date other people? Is it a break or is it a break-up?

IMHO, if it's only a break, then I don't think it's fair to demand he put a time frame on it. If he doesn't know, he doesn't know, demands aren't going to help. *You* may have a time frame for it - maybe after 3 or 6 months you decide that you are only interested in being w/ someone who knows they want to be with you. He runs that risk.

Either way, try not to obsess. Give him the time and give space he's asking for. Really give it to him. Don't call him, don't text him, don't drive by his house. Not to be bitchy, but to give him what he he says he needs. You've been together 5 yrs, surely you place enough value in his well being and the relationship's well being to give him 5 weeks of space? I'd say 5 months, but that's me. In the meantime spend some time focusing on yourself. Making yourself into the person you want to be. Spend time w/ your girl friends. Take a class. Read a book. Cultivate a garden. Whatever it is that makes your heart sing.

My sister's long term BF broke up w/ her for a while - needed space, it was a good 6 months at least. He got his head together and now they're married 7 years w/ 2 kids.

On the other hand, I had a long term BF of 5 yrs, we broke up for 6 months, got back together and broke up for good 1.5 yrs later. Just as well, I've been w/ my current BF for 9.5 years and it's the best relationship I've ever had, so much better than previous BF. Old BF and I are friends, he's been married for 7 years to a really sweet lady and they have a 5 year old.

It all works out for the best in the end either way - at least that's how I see it. The hard part is holding hope on the sometimes very bumpy ride. Good luck!

Friday, January 13, 2012, 1:01 AM

ok long story but try and bear with me. I am very insecure and so jealous cause of previous relationships. My bf and I been together 2 years, just 3 weeks ago he asked me to marry him and i asked how long you wanna wait, he says "the sooner the better" then I start planning and he gets freaked out. I notice on phone bill he is talking to a girl he works with(was checking why bill had went up so much) well they have worked together 7 years she been single before and from what I hear they talk to each other about there problems. well i notice there talking alot and i flip on him, he tells me they are talking because he needed advice about us that he felt like running but wanted to stay. I do believe that he would never cheat on me but I still have that jealousy and i couldn't get it out of my head. Well we fought a long time told him to leave then my kids fli9pped so we decided to talk he said he would stay. but then i started questioning how do i know for sure he wants to be here. well told him to take some time to think about maybe stay with family for a few days to think. well he thought that was a good idea little did i know it has killed me inside. I tried to talk to him and he said no we couldn't talk he was using this time to think., to get his head on straight so he wasn't messing with my head anymore. I can't help but think that there is nothing for him to come back to because I have been so jealous and moody we both have children and his son can be a little whiny and have a major attitude at times, which makes me just tense up and I know I don't help with the situation but I do love him(his son) like my own. I might had his son only there on weekends and the kids get kinda crazy when all back together. but anyway my bf says he needs atleast a week how do i make it a week without him? what do I do? I am dying inside? some these post have helped me, but i just wonder what if he don't come back. Any advice? I may add he is a real good guy he treats me like a girl wants to be treated and I am afraid I just screwed it all up :(

Saturday, January 14, 2012, 10:41 AM

10:41, you gave him good advice to take a week of quiet to think about a major life decision. Now, let him take your wise advice. In the meantime, what can you do for yourself? Can you look into therapy for yourself about your jealousy and dependency issues? They are only making you unhappy; find a professional to help you let go of them.

Saturday, January 14, 2012, 8:48 PM

soo just to set my mind straight. my boyfriend said he needs more space. hes not asking to break up hes not asking for a break hes in love with me he loves our relationship but he needs more '' him and friend time '' and i totally get it we are together everyday and for the past while its like we wake up go to work and then spend the rest of the night together. and hes not used to committment but he said hes loving it and doesnt want us getting sick of eachother. so he just wants his time so he can just go home n watch basketball by himself then well meet up later or just have a night with the guys or even after work just go to his friends house and play video games. he said he wants to miss me he doesnt want us to get sick of eachother cuase that will start fights we do go out with his friends together so everyone knows me and everything but he said when he wants to be with the guys or at a friends its cause he just wants to be a boy its not becuase he doesnt want me there he wants to miss me and he wants to just be a boy were 23 and have been dating over a year i just need to try to wrap my head around it because when he tells me hes going out it upsets methat he doesnt want me to go with him when he goes and when hes out ill never bug him calls/texts i wait till he calls me and he always does when hes done either hell come over right after or hell just call to tell me about his night to say i love you and go to bed. theres nothing wrong ith this, but my cousin has been putting it in my head that this is wrong. that no guy wants this. i just need some reassurance i know hes not going anywhere i just want to know if this is what will help make us last and liek he said '' not get sick of eachother ''

Saturday, January 14, 2012, 11:59 PM

8:48

Thanks that does help. I do need to talk to someone about my issues guess I just not sure where to start, but its time i figure it out. I wish I knew if he was coming back or not thats the part that is killing me I just picture him coming back just to take all his stuff, thats what hurts the most him leaving for good. Oh these feelings have made me so sick I can't eat lost 8 pounds in 4 days which for me isn't a bad thing but i just don't know how to move on.

Sunday, January 15, 2012, 7:05 AM

Bad news for me it is another woman. He moved out :(

Monday, January 16, 2012, 11:40 PM

Girl, if he got involved with another woman while engaged to you it's GOOD news for you that he left on his own -- saves you the trouble of kicking him out later.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012, 10:01 AM

My guy and I have been together for 9 months. We only see each other every other weekend, because he has his kids on the other weekends and he won't go out or have me over. We see each other a couple nights a week too, but I ALWAYS have to go over there. He doesn't like coming to my place because I used to share this house with my ex and it makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking on the phone so we text only, and that bugs me too. He seems that maybe he's a little depressed. He likes to be alone a lot. He is a wonderful, sweet, trust worthy guy. I hate to let him go but I feel like this kind of relationship just isn't working for me. Maybe its just me. I'm I being too clingy and needy? I want more closeness.

Thursday, January 19, 2012, 5:44 PM

Help. my boyfriend needs space

So my guy has recently told me he wants space. We went from never hanging out ( he lives in a different state then I do ) to hanging out ALL the time. The only time we weren't together when either one of us were working. He still says thatt he loves me and its not that he just stopped liking me. Im heartbroken and devestated, things were going SO amazingly good that this just came out of nowhere. Its confusing because he says he wants space yet still wants to see me. I want to try and make our relationship work, I just dont know what to do or how much time I should give him. Please help.

Sunday, January 22, 2012, 5:43 PM

Dont know if shes coming back.

I was with my girlfriend for officially 1year and a day. We had a really bad argument coming home from Disneyland =\ Yeah, its horrible. I let my emotions and temper get the best of me once again and said something that I regret saying. It hurt her A LOT. And after cooling down I realized what I had said, and tried to apologize. But she made up her mind, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. It made the 5 hour drive back even more unbearable. Once I had taken her home, she hugged me while I was in tears begging for her to come back that she wasn't going anywhere, but just wanted time. I've hurt her before, because of my attitude and selfishness. And she's always told me before that she needed time but I kept bugging her. Always calling and texting her, never gave her REAL space. But now, when she has broken up with me, she just keeps knocking me down to just leave her alobe. She wants me to seek help about my temper and attitude, and I have. I have seek out counselling. It's hard and frustrating, but I know its for the better. Slowly I'm starting to realize a lot of things that I have done and on planning to change. I'm just not sure if I'm suppose to be coming to her first or if she's still mad at me and I do understand that. I want to be able to show her all I've learned and understood but with her having a clear mind. I love this girl A LOT and I know I can treat her a lot better.

Thanks for any help.

Monday, January 23, 2012, 9:31 PM

Space

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. I love him and I know that he is the one. We talk about getting married and starting a family. He tells me everyday how much he loves me. Recently he has been distant. I finally got it out of him that he is not sure what he wants. He says he knows that he loves me and that he loves me unconditionally with all his heart, but that he is still young and doesn't want to rush into marriage to end in divorce. I agree. BUT, he also says that he wants to make sure that I am the right one. He says I am perfect in every way and that he is sure I'm the one but that he just wants to be able to have guy time and not need to check in with me every second, and feel bad about going out.

I love him, so it is very hard to give him his space and be okay with him going out without me. I try to leave him alone, not texting him all day or calling him. But i love him so much that it is very very difficult. I am more upset that I don't really know how to feel about the whole situation. If there are any guys out there who have any insight to this please help me out. Thanks.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012, 4:32 PM

advice needed please

I spent a large amount of time reading through these posts and wanted to share a little about my situation to try to get some feedback.

I went to highschool with the man this post is about. We have been tangled in eachother's lives for 9 years and officially dating for 4 years (3 of which we lived together). We are both currently 23 years old.

We had some rough months- not fighting just distant and both of us very over scheduled and stressed. Needless to say we both agreed we needed to do something different because we weren't working how we used to.

I moved out. Back home with my parents in December. We had talked rings, houses, kids, etc. Then all that talk just stopped. And we arrived here. He wants space but says it's not permanent. Tells me not to freak out or worry. That he just doesn't want a relationship right now and got scared of commitment. And that he doesn't see it as over forever or even removing each other from our lives- just that he needs space. Pairs all of that with don't give up on him, he loves me, knows I am perfect for him in every way, that it has nothing to do with me, and that he knows he will regret this someday but right now he feels like he just needs some time to himself. He has assured me it is not another girl, or a desire to party, etc.

I have also spoken to his friends who have told me he just seems very confused about his life and got nervous about settling down. He has said he hopes he doesn't ever have to hear that I am with someone else- but knows what he is doing is selfish and can't tell me what to do during this time of needing space.

Please provide insight. He is a good man. We had a great relationship. I think I just wanted to get engaged and he wasn't ready and he didn't know how to communicate that. I value being logical and level headed- but sometimes that's hard when you are the one knee deep in love mud. So any advice- especially from guys- I would love.

We haven't been in contact and I won't be the one to break it. But we live 3 miles away from each other so there is no real "fear" of losing me on his end right now. I just want to know if space is ever really just space, if guys ever "wake up" from space, or if "space" truly is a death sentence to a relationship.

Thanks so much.

Monday, January 30, 2012, 11:34 PM

my partner of three years asked for space

my partner(male) of three years asked for space, I respected the request, and yesterday I see on facebook he has reconnected with his ex. I thought giving him that time, was supposed to be for him and the growth of us. Obviously not.
Asked him if the three of us could have a cuppa together, his response - "I am so confused" He's confused. I am hurt, annoyed, angry and humilitated.
Help!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012, 8:08 PM

I've been having problems with my bf of six months last night I told him that I don't think we communicate enough since before we used to go to talk every night before we went to sleep and he would text me every morning when he woke up this was when he was working, no he quit his job and is basically staying at home all the time. He told me that he needs time to himself and that even though he loves me he needs time to do him and that he thinks that I should give him some time to do him and that he still loves me very much but he needs time in a day to do him..he says that Im the only person that he talks to every day that includes his mom and his brother even though that he lives with him can anyone please tell me what I should do

Thursday, February 9, 2012, 5:56 AM

hard time dealing

i have spent hours reading these posts, even though they are helpful every situation and relationship is different. I am glad to see these posts are still active and would appreciate some insight and advice in the situation I am in.

I met this guy last summer at the time he was seeing someone it didn't seem very serious and it didn't last. before that he had ended a 3 yr toxic relationship in Feb. We started spending time with each other in Nov.We bonded instantly it was like nothing I have ever experienced and it felt amazing. I realized very fast that he is the type of person I want to be with. I could tell he felt the same way about me by the way he acted and talked to me. He would talk to me about our future together and make planes long term planes like bringing me to his family reunion which is a big deal in his family because if you introduce your girlfriend to them it means that you are gonna be around for a long time. He would always tell me how he wants to retire and how he wants me to be by his side. He told me that this is the first serious relationship he has been in even though he has been in long term relationships before he was never in that mind set and he can see us together for a long time. He was the one who brought up kids and marriage and everything in-between that is important and what we both want in a relationship. He asked me out after only a few weeks of knowing each other. We were on the she page about everything.

He told me that I was getting too clingy and it was pushing him away. i told him that I had no idea and I would step back and give him space. After we discussed it more he was glad that he talked to me about it. Then a week later he tells me that he feels he does not deserve to be with someone like me, so nice and sweet and amazing. He wants to take time to wk on some personal issues and becoming a better person so one day he can be in a relationship he deserves with me or someone else and wants to become good friends during this time. He still wants me to be in his life. He feels that at this time in his life he is not able to give me the attention that I deserve because he is going for a promotion and is working all kinds of odd hrs. He told me that when he is not with me he gets these thoughts and he doesn't want to hurt me. He told me that he can see himself marrying me. He really wants to work on becoming good friends until he has things figured out and when that day come he we will be together. he doesn't want me to wait around for him because its wrong to ask that of anyone. He will not be looking for a relationship with other girls. He kept reassuring me that this is a good thing. That a wise man once said a great marriage starts with a great friendship. i told him that i don't know how to handle this situation because this has never happened he told me he is breaking up with me, its what he need to do. he told me not to convince him otherwise and i told him i don't want to. he said that we are not going to talk about this for a while because it is hurts.

i don't know what to think about this. About two weeks ago we had sex for the first and only time. Does he just need space? Is he that good of a player? is he just making up a bogus cop out story? If he is telling the truth how long will this self discovery thing stake and when will we start becoming friends like he said? i feel miserable and the funny part is that we have only known each other a few months i don't get why I'm so blah about all this or how to bounce back to my old happy self. Every time I thing about thisI get knots in my stomach and can feel the waterworks coming on.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012, 11:11 AM

Me and my boyfriend are with each other over a year and living together since Oct. We were amazing before moving in but very strained since. Finally 2 weeks ago I asked him if he was happy. To be honest I was waiting for our lease to end then I was going to break up with him. He told me in a very vague way that he was but he wasn't. He says he feels like he spends more time pleasing other people that when he does something for himself he is being selfish. He was being very general so I said you're talking about me.

I have always told him to be honest with me - but when he is I punish him because it's not what I want to hear. So he says nothing and "lets it slide" but instead is pushing it down further inside himself. Then he resents me. He told me I'm too affectionate - he feels that he can walk across the room and I'm looking for a kiss or cuddle. I realise I had been so hung up on my own feelings and the world inside my head that I never HONESTLY looked at things from his point of view.

He went on to tell me that he was used to before moving in with me to having loads of time to himself and it was a pleasure to see me as he had time to miss me. Now we're living together I'm always there. He doesn't want to do anything untoward - just wants to have space (as the guys above say for even taking a nap).

I realise I've been smothering him. The more he pushes me away the more I'm on him, the more I'm on him the more he resents me and even the slightest thing is blown way out of control. Also the more he wants to get space (without telling me) the more ignored and unloved I feel. When we weren't living together he would text and mail me all the time. Now he doesn't respond or even look to see if he has anything from me!

I have apologised for the way I've acted over the last few months. It has felt exactly the same way as it did the first time we broke up (5 years ago) and I got scared. Everytime he talked about a girl or work I would get super jealous - he was out without me and never invited me and the couple of times I met these girls they weren't very nice to me. I thought since we weren't having sex it was cos I wasn't pretty enough compared with them.

I was looking for him to validate me as a person. I was looking to spend all my time with him because I love him so much but also because I was scared when he wasn't with me that he wouldn't want to be with me. He told me this wasn't the case but sometimes he wanted to have the place to himself. I wasn't respecting him as a person by always being on top of him. I wasn't respecting myself either. I had turned pathetic and clingy and that's not who I am.

For anyone in the same position as me the advice I would give is this. If they ask for space give it to them. It doesn't mean they don't love you but will love you more for having it. They do need to miss you every now and again. When you're not around so much they appreciate you more and are less likely to take you for granted.

It gives you time to focus on yourself, your needs and wants without you constantly factoring them into every decision that you make. You can improve yourself with this time and do things that your partner is not interested in. At least this way when you do have time together you have something to talk about.

It is a slow process - there are times where I want to email/text him during the day when something happens but instead I'm saving it for when I get home. I'm not pulling out of him all the time - I know from experience that if he wants something he will make it happen and me hanging off him all the time will not make him want to spend time with me.

I have to trust him as without it there is nothing. I am learning to stop thinking negatively and starting to more positive. When I have bad thoughts - I start thinking of all the good things in my life and the nice things he does for me rather than being jealous of things I don't have.

At the end of the day we have been through so much and I love him completely and want to spend the rest of my life with him so I should act accordingly. I have angel cards which I do every day and they're more like a positive message than anything else - they tell you to find the love in the situation and feed the situation with love instead of negative thoughts or energy as this will only make the situation worse.

Since our chat things have gotten much better. I'm a nicer person to be around so now the situation has changed and he's hanging off me more. He has realised that he needs to clarify his wants and needs better and when he does I respond accordingly. No relationship is perfect but if you can find a balance and compromise without compromising yourself and your values you're onto to a winner. Communication is key and if you both want it bad enough - you will make it work.

Best of luck to everyone on here who is having a hard time - there is light at the end of the tunnel - and if your heart never breaks it can never expand.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012, 11:17 AM

Neptune

Get a hobby, get somebody else, get active... men have a 6th sense about when they are really truly moved to the bottom of your list and then they behave like grownups long enough to move back to the top of it.

Monday, June 3, 2013, 2:09 PM

7 Days & Counting

All your stories are so similar ... My partner, 45 and I, 43 have been together for 8 months. We love each other, we both say so. Have integrated a lot of our lives, children on both sides etc but remain living separately. He stays over maybe 2-4 times a week and see each other most weekends with and without kids. Everything was going perfectly, planning a trip o/s in November from his work, discussing the future. Anyway I had a bad day last week and we were talking that night and I was offloading. He was very supportive. Said it wasn't fair these things happened when he wasn't there, just the way it worked out. He rang me back an hour later and talked more - he said love you, try and get some sleep, I'll talk to you in the morning. 85% of the time we've been together he rings first thing in the morning and last thing at night - we've always had fantastic communication. Anyway he didn't ring the next morning, no biggie. Text him later on, he just text back saying he had a heap on, will call later. He has a very heavy workload. Got a text that evening saying he wouldn't be over that night, was working late and had to get a lot done, would call me later, please don't ring as he had a lot to do, thanks for my understanding. That was 7 days ago .... I don't get it. I tried calling and texting with nothing back. Hes ignoring me...... WHAT THE ? I sent him an email saying I appreciate if he needs space with work etc. he just needs to tell me. Found out hes interstate with work. Its driving me insane not knowing whats going on. He has a lot of clothes and personal effects at my house so its inevitable he has to talk to me ?? I just don't get it. We haven't had this for 8 months .. its my birthday in 3 days ... I guess it means its over ??

Tuesday, June 18, 2013, 8:15 PM

these spell caster people just will not stop. I need to create some code that deletes any comment with the phrase spell caster in it.

-Habib

Wednesday, March 5, 2014, 10:40 AM

You've got to give him whatever he needs. When he doesn't have you around, he wants you more. It's proven through studies you actually become more attractive when you're not around and you're playing hard to get.

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