What's a tactful way to ask what the heck your peer is doing?

In my group, a peer wants to lose 45 lbs by "eating right and working out", but her postings consist of total junk, and thats no so bad if there was good stuff too or a workout. But, there is zero nutrition in her food intake. This leads me to believe that she doesnt know what eating right means, that its about whole foods and balance.

How do I give some advice to this person without sounding as I obviously do here, shocked and a little negative? I want to help her understand not belittle her for her choices.

Mon. Oct 17, 1:26pm

be a good role model, applaud better choices

Monday, October 17, 2005, 1:38 PM

Positive reinforcement is paramount. Every day, she must be doing something that is helping her get where she wants to go. keep pointing out the good things that she does. She'll see that she gets acknowledged from the good things and getting no attention for the stuff that won't get her there. It's about making lasting changes (or that's my impression) and you can't just do it all at once or you'll get discouraged and sometimes even go back to where you were before.

Monday, October 17, 2005, 2:23 PM

I think that if you do anything more than "how is it going" and "is there anything I can do to help you toward your goal", that you'll be pushing too hard and will likely drive her away. Is it your goal that all members of your group should take the same view of "eating right"? If she just wants to eat less, can you live with that? If she wanted to do what you think she should, but just doesn't feel mentally ready to follow through, what then?

There are hard questions here, so really think about them. It seems reasonable to have groups for like minded zealous people but this is a lot like religion: what do you do when a Muslim wanders into a Baptist church? You certainly wouldn't expect all the Baptists to convert but whacking on the Muslim has a history of working out poorly.

To my taste, the farthest you can go is to offer along the lines of "I/We think this is good and wise, do you feel like you can explore this?" But I really prefer the "Is there anything we can do to help you", and maybe send even that as a private comment.

Monday, October 17, 2005, 2:32 PM

let her know what you think is wrong. Just don't shout at her...

Monday, October 17, 2005, 3:44 PM

When I first started PEERtrainer I had some lofty goals, but my diet and exercise did not reflect any positive changes. It took all I had just to log my food intake and see my lack of exercise. Once I got that part down I was able to transition to making one or two small changes at a time, at my pace. I totally agree with the reinforcement. When you see something, anything even remotely healthy on her part, tell her how great it is! You can also offer a polite suggestion or two and see how she takes it. As you mentioned, she may not be aware of her poor choices. Also, one of my groups has a group weekly goal of a # of workouts per week. Maybe you can implement this in your group, and see what she says about the challenge? Just be delicate, but definitely say something. I love the feedback and ideas that I get from my groups....that is what I am here for!

Monday, October 17, 2005, 4:57 PM

Start having weekly weigh-ins.
If she's losing weight, well then maybe her food choices aren't quite so bad. But most likely, they ARE crap and she'll start wondering why everyone else is losing weight and she's not. If she asks for help or advice, there's your chance. Or, if she whines and complains and/or starts posting sad faces everywhere (ooh, I hate that!), then I think that also leaves the door open for communication.
People join these groups for feedback. If they don't want someone else's input, tell them to start a group called "leave me alone."

Monday, October 17, 2005, 6:02 PM

I think everyone joins for different reasons. Peer trainer has helped me because I'm ready to make changes and I enjoy the positive reiforcement and tips to help me along. When I slip I like the fact that theres no judgement. I think other join because they need a place to vent there frustration or find others to relate to....even if they arent following through with their plans it feels like a step for them just to be here. Maybe she isnt ready to take the plunge yet. I think if she seems frustrated or confused then offer her some tips on better eating...but if she just wants to talk about her diet and her weight then let her.

Monday, October 17, 2005, 7:56 PM

what's wrong with sad faces :(
they're better than angry faces >:(

Monday, October 17, 2005, 9:45 PM

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