Do we really need "private" comments?

If any of you read my comments yesterday in the red group, you saw that I was upset by something that happened in another of my groups; someone posted a comment that she meant to be private to another member but she accidentally left "Everyone" checked and we all saw what she wrote. Part of her message was negative about me (although I don't hold that against her; I know she didn't mean it for my eyes).

It got me thinking though. Why, in such small groups - 4 maximum - do we need to have the option of private comments? Why should we have to go to that extreme? Isn't the reason of keeping the group small that you form a tight little motivational support system? What is the point of needing to get even more private, to the point where it can seem that you're talking behind someone else's back? As people who have weight issues, haven't we all dealt with that enough in our lives? And another thing I realized, the group comments had been pretty slow over the last week or so, and I bet it's because a couple of them were using the private comments and talking only to each other, but to the rest of us it seems like an "inactive" group.

Maybe it's just me, but I think in this type of system it defeats the purpose. Do the rest of you use the private "whisper" comment options? How do you feel about them?

Kate (kissmekate02)

Sun. Sep 18, 8:38am

I find them useful from time to time, especially when I want to offer someone "constructive" criticism but don't want to embarass them in front of the group.

The real issue that I see in your case is the conflict between someone who is really having success, and someone who is new to the journey. Maybe we need to be more sensitive to new members, especially when we are having success. Tell them how bad our logs were when we first started, maybe point new members to look at our very first week of logs.

Sunday, September 18, 2005, 10:10 AM

I use private comments all the time. This is so that I can respectfully tell them something about their logs that I wouldn't maybe want the whole group to know. For instance, last week, I thought someone was eating too many eggs (about 5) and I wanted her to know that while the protein was important, the cholesterol was high and I didn't want her to feel like I was lecturing her in front of others. The private comment feature worked perfectly. And sometimes i just bond with someone and want to speak to just them.

Sunday, September 18, 2005, 12:14 PM

I see what you're saying.

And I never thought about that maybe my group is active but not active to me! That must have been upsetting, I wouldn't want to read a comment about me. I have found that when someone has sent me a private comment, it's usually friendly so I'm surprised. It kind of seems mean spirited and I'm just sorry that you had to be at the receiving end. I read your logs (I don't comment) but I read about you and I use a lot of stuff that you do in my own life. You've really helped me for what it's worth.

Sunday, September 18, 2005, 1:15 PM

Kate you are right! I think the whole point of having groups of 4, especially when it is a support and motivational group and no one knows each other, is so we can all feel free to point out the things we see others doing wrong and hold them ACCOUNTABLE. Whats the sense of having these groups if not to get feedback whether its negative or good. I mean after all we would be pissed off if someone close to us said something negative, so we turn to support systems like these. We need to hear the truth, even if it hurts. Lets face it constructive criticism always hurts because we know whats being said is true, other wise it wouldn't bother us. I for one was just recently told I don't eat enoough veggies by someone in one of my groups, she right I looked back and realized I could do better, but if my husband were to say that I would get defensive. One lady in my group wants to lose 80 pounds but eats brownies, cake and drinks among other things. I let her know that if she doesn't start changing her eating she not going to lose anything. She thanked me and is trying to get better. ACCOUNTABILITY!! Some people need to hear things unsugar coated. Just like some people need to be told to get up off their fat butts and exercise, no ones going to do it for them.
Personally I want to hear what anyone has to say to me, what I could improve and what I'm doing that isn't working. Losing weight is hard enough but keeping on track is harder, which is why I joined these groups. I also didn't even know that you could do private messages.
Jaimi

Sunday, September 18, 2005, 1:17 PM

I use private messages mostly in my local groups. So if I'm getting together with someone offline, I can communicate my phone number or personal email to them in a private way. Otherwise though, I very very rarely use them. I think it has a time and place.

Linz

Sunday, September 18, 2005, 7:31 PM

I like the option for private comments, but would never use them to tell one group member something about a different group member! I just use them if I want to ask something personal or that no one else would be interested in, because I don't want to offend or exclude anyone. For example, I found out that a member of one of my groups shares my religion, and we discussed a little about our customs, particularly food customs, but I didn't want anyone to feel awkward, or start any sort of religious debate, so I just discussed that one privately.

Monday, September 19, 2005, 9:23 AM

I agree that sometimes the private comments are necessary - but like others have said, only when you are giving personal info or maybe something that the whole group does not need to see like constructive criticism.

I have only used the private message once and it was because there was a woman in my group who was going through a divorce and was really struggling at the time and I did not feel it was fair to post comments to her about it in the group's messages, but still I didn't want her to think that we were ignoring her pain. So I just sent her a private message to let her know I was sorry to hear about her situation and hoped thing would turn out better soon. She really appreciated it.

Monday, September 19, 2005, 4:17 PM

Related Content: How To Lose Weight- The Basics Weight Watchers Points System The Fat Smash Diet The Eat To Live Diet The Beck Diet Solution How To Get The Motivation To Lose Weight		How To Be Successful Using PEERtrainer How To Burn Fat Online Weight Loss Support- How It Works Does Green Tea Help You Lose Weight? Tips On Using PEERtrainer Visit The PEERtrainer Community Diet and Fitness Resources
Fitness Weight Watchers Meetings Learning To Inspire Others: You Already Are Writing Down Your Daily Workouts Spending Money On A Personal Trainer? How I Became A Marathon Runner		Preventive Health How To Prevent Injuries During Your Workout Flu Season: Should You Take The Flu Shot? Are You Really Ready To Start PEERtrainer? Super Foods That Can Boost Your Energy Reversing Disease Through Nutrition
New Diet and Fitness Articles: Weight Watchers Points Plus How To Adjust Your Body To Exercise New: Weight Watchers Momentum Program New: PEERtrainer Blog Archive Review Of The New Weight Watchers Momentum Program		Weight Loss Motivation by Joshua Wayne: Why Simple Goal Setting Is Not Enough How To Delay Short Term Gratification How To Stay Motivated How To Exercise With A Busy Schedule
Real World Nutrition and Fitness Questions Can Weight Lifting Help You Lose Weight? Are Protein Drinks Safe? Nutrition As Medicine?		Everyday Weight Loss Tips How To Eat Healthy At A Party How To Eat Out And Still Lose Weight The Three Bite Rule Tips On How To Stop A Binge