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What's a nice way to tell someone to stop being preachy?

Sometimes I don't need advice, I'm only looking to vent or express myself. Any suggestions?

Tue. Aug 29, 4:19pm

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maybe open up with something like, "i know i can count on you to just listen and hear me out." or "i'd really like to just be heard right now." it's more comfortable to address this concern before the fact than while receiving unwanted advise, i think.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006, 4:25 PM

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Let them know exactly that. I tend to get preachy sometimes too and people know if they say something like, "oh, I have to vent" or whatever I know it means don't be a know-it-all... I don't mean to act preachy, I just want to help and that's how it comes out sometimes. The preachy person in your life probabbly feels the same way....

Good Luck!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006, 4:30 PM

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well not to sound preachy...... A 'preachy' person's perspectice here

I'm afraid it's ingrained in some of us. I solve complex problems for a living and 90% of the people who approach me with a complaint want a solution - they are most definitely not venting, they want it right away, and they don't always want to hear the answer. Sometimes it's too complex, expensive, time-consuming, etc... So even though they came to me, I then have to convince them that it's the right thing to do. However the fact is I spent a lot of time learing to deconstruct problems into solvable pieces, and now I spend lots of time and make a living coming up with solutions to other people's problems.

That's not really something that's easy to turn off. Honestly some of my friend's problems are so easy and straighforward compared to the stuff I deal with at work that it's sort of fun and relaxing to sit there, listen to them and come up with solutions, scenerios and possibilites for their issues. Most of my friends take it pretty well, and in fact actually seek me out, because I am a terrific listener and I really get into the issues, am very objective and ask good questions. I think I may need to stratigize like you need to vent. I don't even need my solutions to be taken seriously - my brain just won't stop coming up with them. That's just how it's been trained to think.

If someone asks I can try to keep it to myself, but I can't stop thinking of solutions and sometimes I really need to share what I'm thinking right back. The best thing to do is to recognize people like me and simply don't share with us if you only need to vent. Because I can tell you that it is just as irritating to me when someone comes venting and then doesn't want my feedback. "You made me sit through all that and all I get to say is 'gee- that sucks' or 'gosh - I feel really bad for you'" Because quite frankly I am only capable of doing that with people I don't care about.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006, 6:23 PM

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to the above poster

I just wanted to say:
Will you be my friend? LOL
My friends are the opposite of you! they never offer advice, im the one giving it out! I can never get good, well- thought out, sound advice!
I esp love your last line! ;)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006, 10:01 PM

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I saw this thread and thought it was something else. I'll through it out there anyway. How do you politely tell people who preach to you about their religion that you are not interested? This happens everywhere, even at the gym. I was raised a religious person and remain one today but there are some out there that take it as a challenge. I'm not interested in a philosophical debate when I go to the gym, I go to work out. I have tried thanking people and stating I'm ok where I am, not interested, you're being rude, etc...nothing works. Conversations will make unbelievable turns to get to a discssion of religion and how anyone who doesn't believe they way they do is destined to a life of suffering, now and in the hereafter. HELP!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 9:12 AM

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I agree, will you be my friend too? I'm always the one offering advice or a shoulder to cry on with my friends lol. Whenever iit's me who needs the advice or just to be able to talk to someone who's actually interested they tune out or quickly switch the topic back to themselves....maybe I need new friends lol

To the above person, be polite but firm. Tell them you don't want to discuss religion with them at all. If they persist then try taking your mp3 player and just turning it up. Don't talk to them when they insist on talking about religions. Hopefully they'll get the hint.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 1:09 PM

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My husband and I learned this approach from a couples' therapist: When I just want to be heard, I preface the conversation with "Please don't solve, attack, or defend" what I'm about to say, please just listen. This works with my husband because he knows the background of what I'm asking. I suppose it could be adapted to a more casual conversation by saying, "Please don't try to solve what I'm about to say, I just want someone to listen and say "There, there".

OP, are we on track with what you are seeking? There seems to be some ambiguity in the question.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 2:12 PM

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To the 9.12 poster

I had to giggle. I've had some of the same experiences, and it makes my blood boil. My standard line is: "I really don't want to be rude to you, because you're entitled to your beliefs. But so am I, and if this conversation doesn't change direction, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be rude. Let's just agree to disagree."

To OP: I think the others have it right. Try to hint at the type of response you're looking for, before the person goes into preach mode. Good luck!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 3:38 PM

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If your venting in your notes why not just vent and at the end say hey guys I'm just venting thanks for listening.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 9:30 PM

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I for one am fed up to here with advice, advice, advice. I find people awfully short of listening skills. But I think it's helpful to tell people that you just want to talk, or you'd appreciate it if they can just listen if that's what you want.

To the person who gets paid to provide advice - that's great for you careerwise but I'm not so sure it's the best move personally. You say it works for you and that 90% of the people who come to you want advice - well, that's good. But unless I needed a business solution I'd say you're not the kind of person I would talk to and I suppose that's fine by you because you just want to give advice. You must be a man.

Where are all these friend who just listen and don't give advice? I'd love to find them! Maybe we could all make a trade!

As for fending off the evangelists - well that's not easy sometimes. I just tell them I have my own religion, thank you, even though I'm sure they wouldn't regard my religion as a valid religion.

Friday, September 01, 2006, 5:47 AM

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You know, I think it's just a matter of finding friends (or PT groupmates) whose personality meshes with yours. Personally, I wouldn't bring up a problem if I didn't want to hear someone else's perspective on it. And reciprocally, if a friend brings a problem to me I try to brainstorm a solution.

It's easy enough to change groups if you find someone else's interactive style offensive. (See, I just can't NOT propose a solution, LOL!)

And I'm 100%, XX, red-blooded female, in case you were wondering. (Though I'm not the 6:23 poster.)

Friday, September 01, 2006, 10:44 AM

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how about this...."please stop being preachy" might go a long way.

some people, myself included, don't realize when they get preachy. and one person's definition may be different than another's. if someone gets preachy to me about my lack of vegetables, i will only get mad at myself because i know they're right. but if someone gets preachy at me about my religion or politics, i will get mad at them because they are talking about something controversial.

Saturday, September 02, 2006, 4:45 AM

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Very true - huge difference between "you know you should really get that skin thing looked at" and "I''d like to convince you my religion is for you."

Saturday, September 02, 2006, 5:15 AM

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