Lack of Support

Not me personally - i have an amzing and wonderfully supprtibe husband. However my sister has also been trying to lose weight and she gets zero support from her husband. In fact, for her, him saying nothing is as close as she will get because when he does open his mouth, whatever comes out tends to be on the insensitive side. He will belittle her healthy cooking attempts, sneer at her attempts to exercise and just generally be unpleasant unless she is cooking what he likes and doing activities that he prefers (watching tv, handing out at the bar playing pool or fishing). I try to be supportive and so does my mom, but she's thousands of miles away and we talk to her 1x a week whereas her husband is there all the time.

Now please no "she should leave him", because she genuinely loves the guy and he loves her, and that just isn't going to happen. However, they definitely need to work out why he is so insecure about her attempts to look better and be healthy.

My husband on the other hand loves my healthy cooking and helps me in the kitchen since most things I cook these days require lots of chopping, slicing, & dicing. He goes walking and hiking with me. He has, without complaint, used his annual bonuses from work for exercise equipment 2 years in a row, and makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I am 60 pounds lighter than my sister and I credit my supportive family and friends with a large part of my success in taking off any extra and keeping it off.

I know she feels isolated, depressed and is not happy with the way she looks and I hurt for her :-( I want to be there for her, but distance is a powerful thing and we both have busy schedules that makes it hard to talk more rugularly than we do. I know this is her issue to work out with her spouse, but she's fighting him, his family (who are just like him and who live right next door) and his friends (who he's had since HS and are also just like him). It's so much easier and everyone's happy when she just gives in and lives like they do.

My personal interpretation is that when she tries to make healthy changes they (her family and friends) start to feel like the way they live 'isn't good enough' and that she's looking down her nose at them, what they do and how they live. Then she starts getting more and more flack for it and eventually just gives in and everyone's happy. Note: no one is overt about any of this and it's likely they don't even realize the effects of their little comments and actions on her, but it all builds up and eventually she's absolutely miserable and demoralized.

K - sorry to go on, but this is something that hurts deeply because it hurts someone I love.

Monday, May 1, 2006, 5:45 PM

Not me personally - i have an amzing and wonderfully supprtibe husband. However my sister has also been trying to lose weight and she gets zero support from her husband. In fact, for her, him saying nothing is as close as she will get because when he does open his mouth, whatever comes out tends to be on the insensitive side. He will belittle her healthy cooking attempts, sneer at her attempts to exercise and just generally be unpleasant unless she is cooking what he likes and doing activities that he prefers (watching tv, handing out at the bar playing pool or fishing). I try to be supportive and so does my mom, but she's thousands of miles away and we talk to her 1x a week whereas her husband is there all the time.

Now please no "she should leave him", because she genuinely loves the guy and he loves her, and that just isn't going to happen. However, they definitely need to work out why he is so insecure about her attempts to look better and be healthy.

My husband on the other hand loves my healthy cooking and helps me in the kitchen since most things I cook these days require lots of chopping, slicing, & dicing. He goes walking and hiking with me. He has, without complaint, used his annual bonuses from work for exercise equipment 2 years in a row, and makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I am 60 pounds lighter than my sister and I credit my supportive family and friends with a large part of my success in taking off any extra and keeping it off.

I know she feels isolated, depressed and is not happy with the way she looks and I hurt for her :-( I want to be there for her, but distance is a powerful thing and we both have busy schedules that makes it hard to talk more rugularly than we do. I know this is her issue to work out with her spouse, but she's fighting him, his family (who are just like him and who live right next door) and his friends (who he's had since HS and are also just like him). It's so much easier and everyone's happy when she just gives in and lives like they do.

My personal interpretation is that when she tries to make healthy changes they (her family and friends) start to feel like the way they live 'isn't good enough' and that she's looking down her nose at them, what they do and how they live. Then she starts getting more and more flack for it and eventually just gives in and everyone's happy. Note: no one is overt about any of this and it's likely they don't even realize the effects of their little comments and actions on her, but it all builds up and eventually she's absolutely miserable and demoralized.

K - sorry to go on, but this is something that hurts deeply because it hurts someone I love.

Monday, May 1, 2006, 5:45 PM

Yeah, I don't prescribe to the "she should leave him" either. Maybe your husband is feeling threatened, that when you are thin you won't want to be with him anymore. Just a thought. Guys need just as much reassurance as we do.
So sorry for the pain and depression - hang in there!

Monday, May 1, 2006, 6:17 PM

Regarding the hubby feeling threatened.. I was walking with some other women today and we noted that some guys feel that if their woman is looking "too good" that they will leave the relationship.. It's really an insecurity (and jealousy) on the guy's part and not the woman's in that case.

To the OP, maybe he doesn't realize that to you, his silence is deafening? The thing is-- both of you see each other's changes on a daily basis, so it may not seem like much is happening to you in his eyes (even if he sees that others are complimentary towards you.) Perhaps you can talk to him and let him know that you'd like to hear some verbal compliments from him, even if very occasionally? My other question to you is this-- are you doing the weight loss for YOU? or for HIM? That may also help you figure out why you are feeling so sad?

Tuesday, May 2, 2006, 1:56 AM

I have found that lack of support from family and friends in my case has been do to jelousy and other emotions they hold against me.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006, 10:35 AM

Sorry to hear you are not getting the support you want at home. Have you tried asking for it? Is hubby so glued to the TV he doesn't notice? Is he overwieght too? If the whole family is overweight, people can feel threatened by someone exercising and making healthy changes. Then the pressure is on for them to do the same and maybe they don't want to make changes. I've also heard that some insecure husbands are afraid that if their wives loose weight she will be too attractive to other people and loose interest in them.

There can be so many issues as play but I'm sure it's not about you. Sure, we can cheer you on but I understand about wanting real flesh and blood people who can give you a hug and say "you look great!, good work!" Have you thought of going to Weight Watchers or TOPS (very inexpensive), just to get some support? It could be worth it. Meanwhile we will keep cheering you on! Good work!

Tuesday, May 2, 2006, 5:54 PM

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