Sexless Marriage

I know that this is not SEXtrainer.com, :) however this is a place where we can seek support. And since those of us who battle with our weight also battle lack of self esteem, and lack of sex can further hinder these feelings, I though it might be somewhat appropriate.

Basically my husband hasn't touched me in over 1 1/2 years. It happened when I got pregnant - and even though the baby is now over a year old, he has no sex drive. He won't talk to me about it at all.

I feel like his best friend - his roomate - sometimes his maid and nanny. I have been so depressed because I constantly feel rejected. I'm scared to reach out to him because I know I'll be rejected again. No hugs, no holding hands. It's like every molecule in his body has been trained to stay as far away from me as possible.

I've lost 15 pounds in the past couple months, and even though I'm still overweight, I look good. I think I'm very beautiful, and with another 40 - 50 pounds off, I'll be turning heads for sure. I keep telling myself this because my first instinct is to think it's me, and we have learned that men really want to have sex with a beautiful woman - so if he doesn't want sex I must not be beautiful.

Anyway - ant men out there ever lost your sexual desire? WHY?

My husband will not see any kind of doctor and he can get an erection.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Sat. Mar 25, 8:27am

OP Quote "I keep telling myself this because my first instinct is to think it's me, and we have learned that men really want to have sex with a beautiful woman - so if he doesn't want sex I must not be beautiful. "

First off... Just because you are overweight does not mean that you are not beautiful. Second, just because he doesn't want to have sex at this time does not mean you are not beautiful. Please do not put yourself down. You do not have to be skinny to be beautiful. So men actually find skinny women a turn off.
Some men just have a very low sex drive and are not interested in Sex that much. Also some men have a mental block when it comes to having sex after there wives get pregnant/ or give birth.

There was just an article out this week on Asexual people. They don't care about sex, don't care about having sex.

I know its hard, not having the comforting feeling of husbands arms around you, whether sex is involved or not. My husband & I went throught a period of several months 8-9 with no sex. It took a while but I started asking questions, and come to find out he was mad about something that happened almost 25 years ago, before I met him. After having a major discussion about it, we where able to work it out, but I know it is still not out of his mind. A man's mind is complicated to say the least.
Good luck... hope to hear things improve.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 8:51 AM

Wish I could trade

my hubby wants it ALL the time, but not me. if we could do it only once a month that would be just fine w/ me.
on to you...make sure you feel good about yourself and you lose weight, exercise for yourself. may want to try a weekend get away or even a date night with just you and him, maybe go to a place you use to frequent before the little one came along.

good luck and don't lose faith, he'll come around.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:49 AM

I think I have seen this type of situation on Dr. Phil. From what I remember he said that both parties have to want to make the effort to try and be intimate. I also went through pregnancy and a lot of nursing/pumping struggles and did not want anyone near me for a long while. Though before that even our frequency was scattered at best. It took about 8 months to solve the sore nips and get them back to normal, and another few months to relax about being touched or hugged.
To his credit he did try and got me some new toys. I would reccomend being extra sweet. Do more for you... pedicures, manicures (even at home)- massages... perfume... get yourself something sexy to wear around the house and or for bedtime... at the very least try and pamper yourself. Start with slowly brushing by him, softly bumping into him. See what happens.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:53 AM

Tried for the date night thing. Got dressed up in a new black and pink pant suit, little pink high heels, perfect makeup. Asked his brother to watch the kids, and he agreed - but my husband wouldn't hear of his brother watching the kids for a couple of hours - "he's not a babysitter." So me, him, his brother and our two sons went out to eat together. Some romantic dinner, huh?

I mention at the dinner table that I would like to take up tennis again - his brother chimes in and says yeah, I've been meaning to pick it up again too. My husband says, "Yeah, we could go play tennis." Directing this comment to his brother, not me.

I have so much anger inside of me sometimes - his indifference and passivity is so hard to deal with. I wish he would talk to me, but that's not his way - and thats part of who he is and that's fine. I don't know, I keep remembering the good times and I just want to be there again. I've told him I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us to that point, but in order to fix the problem I have to know what's causing it. Maybe he doen't know. But he won't really admit that there's a problem. I guess for him there isn't. He doesn't want sex and he doesn't get sex. Yep, no problem there. What's hard is that he has gone from having a very strong sex drive to having none.

I keep trying to hold out, to be understanding, to tell myself that it will be like it was before. I battle daily against the rejection and feel that I am losing. I was ignoring it for a long time, but I just can't anymore.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 10:02 AM

I suggest going to see a professional. I couldn't imagine standing for that type of garbage and if you are, you need back up. Go to individual counseling and they will no doubt suggest couples counseling. If he doesn’t want to go- which I would imagine he should, but if he doesn’t you; need to make him understand what’s going on. Do that for your new child, you both deserve better.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 11:39 AM

watching this thread

I posted earlier about pampering yourself... definately do this... and if you want to play tennis do so... for you... and then offer to "kick his ass" on the court.. ;) I agree with the above poster on the counseling...
AND ask him who he would let watch the kiddos... and try and get an answer... if not hire one of those doulas or nannys from a service. Then he won't have an excuse not to go out on a date if he is involved with the childcare picking.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 12:32 PM

therapy

You need to have an honest, direct, CALM discussion about this. Couples therapy if you both want to fix it. Therapy for yourself if he's not interested. This is not going to get better on it's own. You deserve better and so does he, but it's going to take real effort to get your marriage back on track.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 3:25 PM

Is your husband going through a stressful time, personal or work wise?

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 3:39 PM

Unless you consider the normal every day stress. He is a workaholic - and although that may be part of the problem, I feel he uses it as a crutch and an escapism method as well.

There's no way he would go to counseling.

I had a conversation with him a couple nights ago which was very calm. He didn't say much, and when he did speak it was basically something like, "don't blame me for your unhappiness." I told him the only area in my life in which I felt unfillfilled is our relationship - that I'm not trying to blame him, that I'm trying to find a solution. I told him that I will do anything it takes to get us back on track. I've asked him to just tell me if this is the way he wants it to stay - he dooesn't even answer. If he could tell me that he wanted our relationship to be like this forever, then maybe I could start to move on. I've been in a romantic (ha ha) relationship with him for 15 years. But he won't tell me with words what he wants. I told him that I can't read his mind - maybe I should be reading the lack of sex as goodbye? I just don't know. His mom always ran around on his dad when he was a kid - his dad was a workaholic as well. I know he has issues, I guess really the problem is that he won't work with me on fixing our relationship. He seems to think you shouldn't have to work at a relationship. I am so desparate. If a man were getting this same treatment wouldn't he just leave? He says I'm too idealistic, that I want everything to be perfect. I don't want everything to be perfect, but it would be nice to have a husband who is more than a roomate.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 3:54 PM

How much sex did you have before this dry spell? Does he ever want it? or has it really been an entire year and a 1/2?

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 4:10 PM

It has really been an entire 1 1/2. It will be two years in July, if everything goes on the way it is now. We have been through this before and I left him (the last time it happened was when I got pregnant as well, but it didn't quit all the way like now) - we were seperated for a year and when we got back together we were having sex several times a week over a period of 2 years. And then another pregnancy hit, and nothing I said or did after that mattered. No sex. I told myself that we've been through this before and things would get better, but it still hasn't happened.

I know that he isn't gay - and I know that he is not getting it somewhere else.

And I can't really talk to any of my friends about it, because they typically have the opposite problem - their husbands want it all the time. It would be nice if I knew someone in my same position. The women with the husband's who want it all the time and they don't - they still have sex with their husbands. I've always heard, "If they don't get it at home, they'll get it somewhere else." Well, I'm not getting it anywhere else.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 4:37 PM

It sounds like the pregnancy turns him off? This is hard because he doesn't like to talk, but most men aren't so touchy feely and open and most won't go to counseling either. I don't know what to say except what do you want to do? A year and a 1/2 of no intimacy is a really long time.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 5:38 PM

Don't know if you are religious at all (or if you are not.)

My church had a weekend retreat for married couples called "Marriage encounter". It was very therapeutic during a low point in our marriage (we had several deaths within a short period of time, and had stopped talking to each other or doing things together-- we were both hurting inside, but at the time, did not go to grief counseling.)

The retreat is over a weekend, and is offered in many church denominations (mostly it's a faith based program, but they are inviting, even to people who are not that religious--we happen to be Catholic, so that's what we attended.)

The weekend, however, is NOT really focused as much on religion... It's more focused on each other-- on communicating, and learning HOW to communicate with each other. Talking about issues that might run deeper than the regular every-day fair.

We examined questions about things that had hurt us in our past, things that we did to hurt others, things that we worried about, etc... I found out things about my hubby that he never would have talked about, had he not been at this retreat... For instance, he was harboring guilt about things he did as a child, many times, people will forgive others for things they've done, but sometimes we find it harder to forgive ourselves...

Part of the retreat was an exercise in communicating to each other openly and honestly. For some people at the reunion, that could also open deeper wounds that they may have first realized... However, it seems that once these fears and hurts are vocalized to the spouse in a loving matter, (and are received in a loving matter), the flood of relief comes over the person....

We went into the retreat not wanting to be there (we were persuaded by some family members to go.) However, we left feeling like a giant heavy rock had been removed from our chests and we felt happier than we had in many years....

If he doesn't want to seek therapy, perhaps you can talk to him about attending something like Marriage Encounter as a weekend away from your day-to-day distractions.... (i.e. the kids.) The retreat we went to was held at a seminary--we had rooms without TV, Radios, or Phones. The whole point was to re-focus and re-center ourselves within our marriage.... Those 2 days could mean the difference between walking away or keeping the marriage on track.

************************

I do think you need to do something soon--the longer you wait, the more damage it will do to your self-esteem, your happiness and your marriage.... I had a friend go through something similar and unfortunately for her, by the time she was finally able to persuade him to go to therapy (with or without her), it was simply too little too late....

In the meantime, take some time off to pamper yourself, as other posters have mentioned. Get dolled up, send the babies to Grandma & Grandpa's (if possible), and surprise him with a candlelight dinner when he comes home one night.... Don't let him have the option of deciding where to send the babies, just go ahead and make arrangements..... Bring out your old picture albums of your early, more fun days of marriage.... Find your favorite meal, or whatever made you laugh and enjoy each other when you were first married....

When he gets home, give him a card that instructs him to go to the bedroom and to change into something "more comfortable" (i.e. if he has some nice pajamas, or a nice suit, or whatever you think would make things more romantic.) and then give him a card "inviting" him to have dinner with you.....

Find a really romantic card, or write a poem to him about what you really like about him....Write him a LOVING, and not accusatory note about your feelings. Don't make him feel belittled or blame him for the feelings, but just talk about how you feel and give him examples for him to understand.... (This was something we learned about in Marriage encounter). Write it like you are writing to your lover (whom you are.) Tell him about the passion you miss, and how you want to have that "spark" back in your life.....

Before you give it to him, however, get some pink and blue paper and cut it up into small pieces. Have him (and you) write down 25 things you love about the other person , (pink paper for you, blue for him) fold them up and put them in a glass jar that you've decorated with the words "love notes".

Then, as you are eating dessert, take out a few of the notes and read them to each other (you read his, he reads yours.) Tell each other why you chose what you did.... Hopefully, this will help to ignite a little of the lost spark...

I'd probably wait to decide whether or not to give him your "love letter" at that time...If he is being receptive and in a good mood, You could suggest that he write a similar "love letter" to you about what he is feeling about your relationship... :-) He shouldn't read your letter until he's finished his...

A ground rule that you need to set before writing and/or reading each other's letters is that 1) you do not put BLAME on the other person. Just state your feelings. and try to describe the feelings to the other person. Also you need to both agree that FEELINGS are what they are, and are neither right nor wrong, Each person is entitled to how they feel, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT....

After setting these ground rules, and writing your letters (keeping in mind that you want the other person to understand how you are feeling without making blame...) the end, you both exchange letters... Hopefully, it will open some conversation-- and maybe help you talk about what is really going on.?

Sorry for the long post-- but having seen a friend go through a divorce, I think that If she and her hubby had just talked about things that were bothering them, instead of "going to bed mad" or "not talking", then maybe they would still be married at this time. (although there were deeper issues for them, it might have at least allowed them to talk things through....

Being a single mom with children is REALLY rough..... There are some days my friend just calls me crying because of how tough things are going for her....

I wish you best of luck and hope that things improve for you soon... Otherwise, you may soon get resentment towards your hubby that even time and conversation willl not erase.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 8:19 PM

Wow, I have read all the responses and can't really add much more. I feel really bad for you, its a very sad situation. To be in a marriage that is one sided is really hard to deal with. My 1st marriage was like that only sex was never an issue, clearly I left him. When you left him the first time how did you feel? Did he come to you or vice versa? Did he ever explain why he doesn't feel intimate? Does he know, I mean really know how this is affecting you? My personal thoughts are this and it might sound a little harsh but I am a strong person and I always know no matter what happens I will be fine, I think if he completely understands how you feel and is not even willing to talk to you or a counselor about it then that is a sign that this marriage is not going to last, it doesn't sound like you or his marriage is important enough or meaningful enough to work on it. That is scary, I wouldn't wait around thinking that it will change. Life is to short and you've already been through it once with him, you deserve better. I can understand not wanting to talk to someone else but not you. It takes two people to have a marriage and it is hard work to make it last or even work but if there is no communication then you really have nothing. Me being me would tell him how I feel and what I want to see change, I'd give him a certain amount of time and after that if it is still the same and I saw no trying on his part I would leave and not look back. There are a lot of men in this world and you can do better, you deserve better. You can't make a marriage work if one is not even willing to try. Good luck to you. Make yourself feel better about the person you are and be happy with you.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:10 PM

I completly agree. You child and you are much better off if he is being like this. You really do deserve more.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:31 PM

with all due respect, how is child better off without a stable home because dad isn't sleeping with mom? This isn't abuse. IF the only problem is a lack of sex, that's not likely affecting the kid.

There are times when we have to make ourselves happy despite our circumstances. You would think that for the benefit of one's child, one can be happy even if one is not getting laid. And we can rationalize things away saying "my kids will be happy if I'm happy, and I won't be happy with him" (which is a choice!) or "I don't want my kids to grow up in an 'unloving' home" (because we all know kids adjust well to seeing dad on the weekends...) but I think kids need parents to stay together whenever possible. (I was 17 when my parents considered divorce and was mad as hell at them for thinking of it- they worked it through)

Without knowing a lot more, all I can say is sometimes a man's sexual drive is sooo linked to how appreciated he feels. If you can't do as much because you're looking after baby, and you keep asking more of him, he may feel like it's never enough, and therefore not be interested in sex. I mean, men are simply wired totally different than women. There's many different reasons he might not be interested (all having nothing to do with what you look like), and he might bot even realise why. Even hormonal imbalances can do this. Really, he needs to seek some kind of help.

But you bringing it up can make him feel inadequate- asking him to get help implies you think somethings is wrong with him- a man is not going to feel lovey dovey when he thinks his woman thinks he's defective.

I'd say do your best to show him all the affection, appreciation, and gratitude you can, while asking NOTHING in return, for a while, and see what happens. Sometimes you have to give to get. Tell him you love him, even if he's not in the mood, tell him you'll love him anyways- dote on him. Don't complain. See if that doesn't help- I'm sure 15 years and two kids is worth one month of *possible* unreciprocated adoration.

(And for those who think I'm asking her to be a door mat- if hubby hasn't treated her like a door mat before, her adoring him isn't going to turn him into a control freak...)

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 10:05 PM

Not to turn this into anything more then it is... but she has left him before, he doesn't treat her very well, the fact that this thread started with sex, it almost never is the actual problem, it is a symptom. And another thing, if the mom isn’t happy, the child isn’t happy and you don't need a medical expert or shrink to tell you that, its very evident. I know people who have grown up in the most twisted homes but if they have strong parent figures no matter how they are formed they will be fine.

Clearly the house hold isn’t stable, she did leave him before and she obviously isn't happy....

"I have so much anger inside of me sometimes - his indifference and passivity is so hard to deal with" -- Not stable or happy...

"we were separated for a year"-- Not stable or happy...

To the poster above...HE may feel defective???... she just said that she gave birth to a child... his child and she has felt "DEFECTIVE" for almost 2 years!!!

Lets have some female power here... Honey... sit him down... look him in the face and tell him how you feel... Get some back up from your family and for heavens sakes don't take any of the posters, including myself as your own opinion!

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 10:41 PM

I fully agree with the last poster. If you have waited this long to tell him something is wrong, or at least waited this long to get the point across something else is off in your marriage. He really has treated you badly; it goes beyond the sex for sure. I can tell you are upset and you really shouldn't be that upset in a marriage. You CHOSE to be in this union. You always have a choice!!!

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 11:41 PM

Female empowerment revisited

Honey,
You have obviously done your part to reach out. He is willing to ignore you in front of family, embarass you in front of them too (I'm sure it was obvious to his brother why you asked him to look after the kids and get dolled up), and he gives you nothing but a stony silence. And this is the second time! I know it takes two in a relationship to make it good or bad, but it seems to me that you've been working at this whole thing solo for quite some time. I could never advocate for a marriage to break up easily, but to paraphrase a lot of the previous posters, everyone has a choice, ALWAYS. Give him a choice (not to be misunderstood as an ultimatum). The difference is that you will tell him that you chose to try and work on this issue, that (maybe, you decide what they really are) the choices are:
1. Maintain the marriage and seek physical intimacy outside of it;
2. Go to counseling;
3. A trial separation;
4. Starting with just taking a long weekend together to talk;
or...etc.
Some of those choices may sound crazy or extreme, but you do always have a choice. Once you've chosen to live your life like it's precious, because it is, and make the most of it, you will not continue to accept crappy treatment, because you will know and believe in every fiber of your body that you are worthy of fair treatment and respect, at the very least.
Do not blame yourself for this, and I disagree with the whole played-out seduction thing the other posters recommended. STOP catering to him. If he won't talk to you, and won't give you an answer on any of his choices, start making decisions without him. And your living your own life to its fullest may pull him out of his prolonged sulk. At least he'll show SOME reaction! Stop babying him, "What's wrong, what can I do, what did I do, I'll do anything!" It puts him in too much a position of power. It shouldn't be taken that way, but clearly that's what he's doing. You're bending, he's as rigid as oak. You stand up straight for yourself and your children, and either he comes around, or not. Your job, is to truly LIVE.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 12:06 AM

I have this problem too of no sex in my marriage, and very little over the past five years (averaging once a year). My husband has an extremely low sex drive; it was low, but not this low until he had a heart attack six years ago (he was just 47). Some of the drugs taken for a heart condition can extinguish the libido, sometimes permanently even after stopping medication. Just weeks later his father died, and he slipped in to a depression for over a year. He would hardly talk to me at times, just sort of a blank wall. When I finally told him I thought he was depressed, he got angry and yelled at me. We nearly split up, I was waiting for him to leave the house. Finally, I was able to convince him to go to counseling and that did help us re-build our relationship. It's still hard for me without the sex, but there is warmth between us at least and it seems he has come out of his depression.

I hear Dr Phil say over and over again, if you can't get your spouse to go to couples counseling with you, then go without him. I think it's worth it for children to do whatever you can to heal this relationship. He may be depressed, he may be having an affair, it's hard to know. But if you do all you can, and he will not even talk to you, this marriage may not last.

I agree that going through all of the little love notes and trying to dream up sexy dates is probably not the thing to do. Sounds like he is avoiding a romantic situation with you. I do agree that just being loving and pleasant in general is a good aproach. Sounds like you guys have to re-establish a caring and loivng relationship before you can even begin to think about sex. Dr Phil's relationship books are good and I have another one I'll try to find that I would recommend.

In the end, you absolutely deserve love in your marriage. It's natural and normal to want sex. I feel rejected too because of our sex life, but at least I feel there is loving and caring in our relationship. Good luck and keep us posted!

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 7:42 AM

I had a close girlfriend go through this...I was living in the UK and the rest of the world knows that Americans are very open about these things, so I got every last detail. Sex had always been a bit problematic between them, and after her attempt at in vitro resulted in stillbirth, her husband was only interested in sex about every other year -- for six years. She was maybe 80 pounds overweight and 38 years old, married 13 years. After another man hit on her and made out with her at a small party, it forced her to address the issue of a sexless marriage. She told her husband, who was averse to counseling and quite happy plodding along as "roommates", that if he didn't put out she would go outside the marriage for intimacy. It got him into counseling, but it did not get her any sex. Here it is, 8 years later, and they are still together because shortly after this episode of trying to repair things, a child became available for them to adopt and he knew that would be enough to keep her. Counseling stopped immediately, years still pass between sexual events, and she is now 120 pounds overweight and more miserable than ever.

I would hate to see the OP end up like my friend.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 11:15 AM

To the previous poster, how sad for your friend. I can't imagine being in a sexless marriage, let alone a sexless marriage with kids. She should leave him and take the kids. Her extra 120 pounds shows how miserable she is and the kid knows this, kids can sense and pick things up, they are like sponges. She should start trying to lose some weight to feel better about herself and then leave him. Life isn't worth waiting for, she needs to start living.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 11:44 AM

Wow... thats brutal!!!

I think this all boils down to setteling for men. I am single but I have been asked out more times then I can count, and been asked to be married once. I have said no to almost all these guys because my standards are too high, and I don't feel a need to lower them. I do not want to be like the above poster or the OP. You do not NEED a man. If he is not adding to your life, he is TAKING AWAY from it.

You deserve more like an above poster said. If yuo are over weight, unhappy and have even thought about leaving him, or have.... do something drastic. He is probably in a rut because you don't expect more of him!

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 11:47 AM

A couple of thoughts, perhaps brutal, but practical.

1) Are you sure he isn't having an affair?
2) Congrats with your weight loss, and keep it up! It's not that one can't be beautiful and 40 pounds overweight, but each person has a range of body shapes that they find attractive. I admit myself that I went out with a guy who put on 50 pounds _quickly_ after we started dating, and I totally lost all interest in sleeping with him. Not only was he not physically attractive to me at that weight, but it made him snore.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 12:31 PM

I just re-read my 12:31 post, and realized that the two particles of thought sound TERRIBLE together! To clarify, I agree with above posters that your husband is treating you poorly (the thing with the brother-in-law and tennis is bad). This is HIS FAULT. There is NO EXCUSE to treat you this way, whether or not he is physically attracted to you. In ANY case, you are a human being deserving of honesty and consideration.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 1:02 PM

OP poster here...

Okay, I am past the point of little love notes and catering to his needs. But thank you for those suggestions. I have catered to his needs. I have lost myself catering to his needs. I have constantly told him how much I appreciate his hard work and what a great father he is - he is amazing with our kids.

Never once have I suggested to him that he has a problem that needs to be attended to by a doctor, so I haven't suggested to him that he is broken. I just know, from knowing him for 15 years that he will not go see a doctor. I know his opinions on things.

If it were for our kids I believe that I would leave him. When I left him before I truly missed him, and it was a gradual thing - us getting back together. We started hanging out together with our first son and things progressed back to a romantic relationship. After a while he moved in to my apartment.

Right now I am concentrating on me. I have concentrated on him most of the time I have known him.

One poster said that he embarrased me in front of family. How right you are. It was embarrasing. In earlier days I would have cried. But these days crying doesn't come as easily.

And yes, I know for sure he is not cheating. He wouldn't cheat - if there were someone he wanted to be with he would leave me and be with them.

When we were split up I dated a couple of people - one of the guys told me that I was constantly comparing him to my ex. I had never noticed until he pointed it out. Not with words - he said he could just tell in the way I reacted to him and the way I was with him.

I am not religous at all, but still I have never pictured myself as having multiple marriages. I know it happens all the time, but I can't imagine my children living under the roof with another man - that saddens me. I don't want another husband, I just want my old husband back.

And it's not just about getting LAID, and I'm done doting on him. I want someone to dote on me for a change dammit. And if he won't then I guess I'll have to do it for myself.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and kind words. Even those that I did not agree with got me going in the right direction -

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 1:10 PM

Hi Everyone,
I was the person who posted about the love notes... I did not mean it as her catering to his every whim, but merely as a way to maybe open up some conversation. (and not seeing if the brother could watch the children, but just sending them to a sitter's while trying to get some alone "face time" with him as a 2 adults, vs. "mom and dad" to the kids.... That way, she could hopefully force him to examine the situation.

After reading about the original poster's last remarks... I did not realize that she had tried these things many times before.

I still stand by the suggestion of doing the Marriage Encounter-- IF she can get him to go. Part of the "Love Notes" suggestion was actually based upon some things I learned at the Marriage Encounter weekend-- and I guess it might have not been very clear...

The "Love Letters" to each other was part of the concept of learning to communicate the needs BOTH WAYS (that my hubby & I learned from Marriage Encounter)--away of addressing issues from one spouse to another in a non- threatening manner, and I guess I wasn't thinking that if the suggestion was made "out-of-context" (i.e. outside of the Marriage Encounter retreat) that people wouldn't understand what I was trying to talk about....

My thought was that sometimes voicing one's opinion by writing the thoughts down might be easier for both parties.

I still think it would be a good idea for you to write him a letter with your feelings and lay it out for him. If he doesn't want to hear it, and won't even look into the matter, then maybe it will be better for you to move on... If you still can't get him to even talk about your issues, then perhaps it IS a better move for you to get on with your life.

You deserve to be both loved and respected. His actions with your brother-in-law demonstrated a complete lack of respect towards you as a couple and to you as his spouse....Clearly, there is some kind of control issue that he is having-- if he's "withholding" intimacy from you and he's directing you as to who can watch the kids... What else is he controlling? Does he control the money you spend? Is he fantasing in his mind that you are out having affairs? Perhaps in some sick and twisted way, his view of you tending to your children is that he's being "cheated on" because you are paying more attention to the children than to him?

I'm not a counselor, but I hope that you find some way to resolve this issue for your own sanity. Just because he's a "good" father does not mean that you should suffer... If he's not a "good husband" then think about the example he is demonstrating to your children about how spouses should interact....?

******************

On the other hand, one of my friends who was in a similar situation has suffered both being in her marriage and now after the divorce.

In her marriage-- she was getting sex like a bunny vs. your problem of lack of sex, but the problem for her (as it appears for you) continued to be LACK OF COMMUNICATION... and LACK OF INTIMACY. She lived on a farm, and they had lots of animals AND 3 kids... basically, they didn't do anything but constantly look after the animals and the kids. They no longer were "lovers" but "parents".... Any type of communication between them as 2 ADULTS was basically lost-- they talked only about their kids and the needs of the kids....

She felt VERY lonely and isolated, even in a house with 3 children and a husband, because outside of the bedroom, he had a wall up and wouldn't talk (not that he was a talker in the first place.)

He, like your hubby, refused to recognize any problem, refused to go to therapy, etc..... she eventually went by herself and also sought help in parenting... Unfortunately, he just didn't want to help in any manner with the child rearing (basically implying that it was "women's work", and just wrestling with the boys like he was their brother, not their dad...)

They eventually divorced...she lost not only her spouse, but her best friend--something that she truly mourns. She longed for intimacy, but he had none to give her....she knows now that nothing would have changed his behavior, because he was stubborn and not willing to even TRY to seek any counseling. In his mind, "he was not the problem", but that was actually exactly the problem....

One thing-- she did notice an immediate change in the children-- after he moved out, they were no longer as irritable, because they didn't feel the same tensions at home any more. They clearly felt the tension between mom and dad, and once the aggressor went a way, they finally relaxed...

She never wanted to be a single mom, she tried as hard as she could to get him to see that if they worked on things, the possibility of staying together would still be there... but he was unwilling... and if it's a one-sided marriage, that's not good for anyone involved...

In the end, although it is tough, she now realizes HOW MUCH he controlled her life. (i.e. she made more money than him, but she was also never allowed to spend it. He was allowed to "hang out with the guys" but she had to report her every move if she visited her girlfriends". She now understands that although her children's father isn't living with them, they are better off in the long run....

*************************

I wish you luck in whatever happens... True, most people don't go into marriages thinking they would fail. But if you are trapped in a marriage that's not equal, and if there is no hope of changing, then it will be better for you to make the change while you are young....otherwise you are not being fair to yourself or your children...

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 10:52 PM

Well I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I'm glad you re-posted because I was flat out shocked at your points earlier.

Sunday, March 26, 2006, 11:08 PM

No problem.
Sometimes people post things that make sense in their heads (because of the context they are thinking of), but maybe it doesn't come across as clear, since the other party has no idea what goes on in our heads...

Monday, March 27, 2006, 1:52 PM

You may not think he's having an affair but I can tell you right now that he is. Men don't go without sex. Just as women don't go without sex. He won't go to counseling because the affair will come out.
I know you don't want to hear that but who does. Sexual needs are part of our human nature and a marriage without sex is doomed to fail. It all comes down to communication. But trust me he IS having an affair.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 2:19 PM

To the above poster--That is not always the case. This man could have medical or psychological issues that keep him from having sex. It's completely inappropriate to assume that someone who doesn't have a lot of sex is having an affair. There could be a million other reasons that he doesn't want it. All we can do here is speculate about the reasons, but none of us can be 100% positive. Sure there are tons of men who don't have sex with their wives because they get it somewhere else, but there are just as many who refrain from having sex for other reasons. Don't be so quick to generalize.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 3:19 PM

I also wouldn't be so quick to rule out the affair as well....

Monday, March 27, 2006, 3:36 PM

I had this same issue with my first husband. Turns out he was an alcoholic and I didn't realize it. He drank a steady stream of vodka all day just to keep the buzz going. I had dated him for two years and had no idea. It was after a year of marriage (and no sex) that I started finding hidden vodka bottles. I was looking for evidence of another woman, turns out it was the alcohol killing his sex drive.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 3:43 PM

Oh honey, I have been there with the alcoholic with no sex drive thing. It was HORRIBLE. I thought the SAME THING... affair or GAY!!! What an F-ing nightmare that was. Ugh. So sorry you were married and trapped in it.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 4:46 PM

go a head and be shocked with my comments, but all i am reading from every poster is "blame the husband" "it's the husbands fault" "it's the husbands lost"

sorry but you have to take on some of your own responsibilty.
Instead of looking at your husband as the problem, maybe you should take a look inside yourself. When was the last time YOU initiated sex instated waiting for him to do it.

Go a head and trash talk my post, but I'm believe that both parties are to blame. A marriage is between two people.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:08 PM

Thanks. That was 15 years ago. I'm now married to a great man, we have 4 kids and plenty of sex! Don't get me wrong...it's not movie picture perfect and we still have to work at our marriage but it's a hell of alot better than where I was!

To OP: Take care of yourself! I know you have your kids to think about. Is he a good father? What does he contribute to the household? Are you better off with him or without him? A year and a half without sex is not normal. Something is wrong and it's not your fault he won't communicate with you. Bottom line...take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids!

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:16 PM

YEAH RIGHT

That women aren't initiating. The only thing I could have done that I didn't was slip him a roofie in his beer, lol, or viagra in his mashed potatoes... That way I'd have been the closest thing by him for relief, right... besides the dog... Ha hahaha...

Nothing is so much fun as getting turned down flat... sometimes it was even a game... how will he turn me down this time? Will he just walk away, drive away, lol. We weren't married, so he left eventually. thank god.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:16 PM

OP here...

When was the last time I initiated? How about 75% of the time we've ever had sex? I used to be a total nymphomaniac. I call this my biggest irony - I'm stuck with someone who can go years without it. I have known him for 15 years and just the thought of him still turns me on. I agree that maybe I am part of the problem - however since he will not communicate to me what his problem is - and if it is with me - then yes, that is his f^&*ing fault. He is the one not speaking. I am the one approaching him in an unemotional way and trying to get some answers. And I don't approach him every night. I've talked to him about it 3 times in the past month. I certainly don't want to sound like a broken record.

Anyway, he's not having an affair. He just doesn't need the sex. I'm not having an affair either. And if a nymphmaniac can go without having an affair, a man who can go years without sex can too.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:27 PM

To the 5:08 poster:
Absolutely a marriage is between two people. But when one of them won't communicate and refuses to deal with the concerns of their partner...well, it is their fault!

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:30 PM

I think you need to give him a temporary " cut". Some men only respond to drastic changes. Quite litterally you need to rock his world around.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 5:52 PM

To all the posters. No woman or man deserves to be treated with anything less then respect, compassion and dignity. There are way to many fish in the sea to sit around waiting for someone else to change and treat you better. You don't have to settle for anyone and no one should. Just know that no one is perfect and as long as you can accept minor flaws that don't really have anything to do with the relationship you can work anything out. But if someone treats you badly and hurts you time and time again and you can't talk about it with them, then are they really worth the hurt, anger or misery they are creating in you? I'm sick of women thinking they need a man to define themselves. I am married, have been for 5 years and it is hard work making a marriage work and I can honestly say that even though we have a good relationship and communicate freely my best years were spent single. I loved being on my own and I miss it. I grew and learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses and had a lot of fun. I think too many women are afraid to be without a man. How sad, what a shame for these women to not be able to be on their own, to fear not having a man in their lives. Its my belief that women are a lot stronger then they think they are. And we can certainly be choosey about who is worthy of us. If he hasn't treated you right in the past don't expect him to change now. And NEVER expect a man to change for you or think that you can change him, it doesn't happen. We don't live in the fairy tale world, prince charming doesn't come prancing in and whisks us away but you don't have to settle.

Monday, March 27, 2006, 9:31 PM

I agree that an affair shouldn't be totally dismissed.
If not an affair, have you checked his computer's "history" tab? He may have a porn addiction or there may be something there that explains things. (Since he won't talk)

Monday, March 27, 2006, 10:09 PM

Madonna/Whore complex

From your original post it sounds like this may be at the root of the problem. Read the following link and see if that causes you to go "OMG!" I know with some men this is triggered by the 'Madonna' having children, or simply by the act of sex. A therapist would probably bring this up. To me, your original post and eveything after it just shout this out.

Link

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 12:43 PM

Wow! Very interesting! I'm not the original poster but I think this is the most helpful post here.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 4:48 PM

OP here - I have actually read through information about this before, some of it is dead-on, but it doesn't fit him to a tee. He definitely has issues about the pregnancy and having sexual relations and then me taking care of the kids I think. But he doesn't want sex at all - not with me or with anyone "dirty" either.

I have told him in the past that just because I am now a mother doesn't mean that I don't want sex anymore. "How do you think your parents had five kids?" :<) I don't know. Right now I just want to get my s*&t together, and hopefully he will too.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:19 PM

OP, please keep us udated. good luck!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:24 PM

I'm right there with you. It's not that my husband of 10 years doesn't want sex, but he doesn't do the hand-holding, hugs, or any kind of affection all day and then at night wants it after I've taken care of the kids all day, worked, etc when I'm just plain old tired! We've now been to marriage counseling about lots of things, and frankly, it didn't help. But what I've learned about it all is:

- if he doesn't think I'm beautiful, someone else will or does! I went out with friends one night. When I came home he asked me about the night. I told him how all of my drinks had been bought all night and how me and my friend were told how beautiful we were and that we were good for business! It seemed to kick him in the butt so to say. And he did get better from that date.
- And now, even though I do need to lose about 30 lbs, I STILL look good, considering I've had 2 kids in 5 years! I've started dressing nicer and trying to get out of the frumpy housewife mode. And even if he doesn't notice, it makes me feel MUCH better.
-And I've taken on new avenues for me. I've got involved with a group locally and am training to run a 26 miles marathon for the American Stroke Assoc. this summer. I've NEVER been a runner...but I'm trying it now. It gets me out with other people and I'm doing something healthy...it has done wonders for my self-esteem and moral.

It is my true belief that after going through some of the issues that you are, that I have to take time to better myself first and foremost. If I take pride in myself and act like I've got it going on, then he'll treat me as such as well. I've got to respect myself first, before he will respect me.

Just some words from someone that's been there and at least experienced some of what you are going through.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 9:35 PM

A little progress...UPDATE

Well, we haven't had sex yet, but have had a few "getting to know you again" sessions. I think we are going to pull through this, I think my husband has just been really, really depressed. He had a vision of where he would be in life right now, and in his mind he should have more money. His job always has him stressed and he doesn't feel like he has accomplished much. It hurts because I feel that the family we have created is fulfilling - but I guess men are different. He is really a great father, and in the end, if that means he has to spend less attention on me, I can deal with that. I would rather him be there for the kids than for him to be there for me and ignore the kids.

He is working on some things to help his depression and it is not all better, but it IS better. Hopefully in the end we will both pull through this and we'll be better off for it.

Friday, April 21, 2006, 9:22 AM

I'm glad you gave this a balanced approach. There've been quite a few "all-or-nothing" sounding posts here. Sometimes marriage CAN'T work out, but in contermporary US society a lot of marriages are thrown away that are worth saving (like pretty much everything else here!). Someone above said every person deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, and my first thought was, "Okay, so how can this OP treat her husband with dignity and respect under the circumstances?" Not because I thought he shouldn't be doing the same, because he should--but he's not the one here, he's not the one asking, and none of us can influence him to do anything.

OP, I hope things continue to get better. I hope your husband can get help for his depression and you can both be happy again. We're often very sympathetic with depressed women...I think men sometimes don't get the same response, though.

I've been impressed while reading this with the way you've described your attempts to deal with this. It's hard to stay calm, to not blame, to be gentle but straightforward, to express your needs and concerns without drama. But it sounds like you've worked hard at that and done pretty well.

Friday, April 21, 2006, 10:56 AM

i don't think sex HAS to be a part of a marriage. i have gone without sex for over 6 years and do not miss it.

Friday, April 21, 2006, 1:10 PM

Wake up people. SEX is not the issue here. Everyone can go without it. It is what it represents that is missed. The imtimacy, cuddling, loving feelings associated with sex that we miss. My uncle became physically unable to have sex after having a light stroke at the age of 45. My aunt said that it was a transition to go from having sex 10-12 times a week to having none at all. But she said she still felt loved and cherished because now my uncled does way more petting, holding, hugging, snuggling, holding hands, and such than he did before. My aunt says that now she knows the real meaning of "making love".

Friday, April 21, 2006, 2:45 PM

Relationship Economy

If any of this has been stated before, please just give it a "never mind" and scroll on down.

I am glad to see that the two of you are communicating. This seems to be the biggest issue you and your husband face (but I believe you are aware of this).

Perhaps to a degree, sex was a form of communication, an easy form for you, and without it you feel like you've lost your voice a little.

Pretty much, it has to be established what each of you can abide in your relationship. Compromise and seeking balance....you are doing that.

I take my hat off for you, and I completly sagree with a poster a couple of posts above mine- you are doing an awesome job. It is very apparent that you truly are not going to give up on this relationship.

I will pray for you and your husband.

xenamama

Saturday, April 22, 2006, 2:45 PM

I assume the writer of "A little progress" is the op, so I'm glad to hear you are having some success. Therapists talk about how couples who have not had succes for a long time need to work up to it, just like you're dating and getting to know each other again. Jumping in to intercourse can be intimidating and too difficult.

Yes, depression and stress can extinguish desire to a huge extent. I think that affects my husband. I don't know about the age of many of our posters in this thread who seem to have a "dump him fast" attitude, but a huge percentage of men loose desire or have ED as they age. Viagra and other drugs are sometimes not recommended for men with certain medical conditions. These are just the realities of life. I think for my husband to attempt to have sex and then loose his erection is very difficutl. The anxiety can make it worse for men; performance becomes even more unlikely. Depression affects sex drive in both men and women.

Saturday, April 22, 2006, 7:23 PM

To the OP,

Glad to hear that you are communicating more.
I can understand how stress and depression can affect the way people communicate. Sexist as it may sound, but men in our society still feel like they need to be the provider, the hunter-gatherer... i.e. the "machismo" thing of being the head of household...For some men, it's a really big concern--they aren't the ones who can birth the babies, so they need to show their abilities to do something via their paychecks and making sure that wife and family are well-taken care of....

By you talking to him and hearing that he has been concerned about these issues, it seems that you are both at least opening the door and going down a path to help solve what is behind the actual problem of lack of sex or intimacy...

It may not seem like much progress, but down the road, you may both find that you are happier (and more likely to get intimate), if you are able to get your feelings about things out in the open...

Keep us updated! I hope things are improving!

Monday, April 24, 2006, 12:35 PM

OP here - Thanks all for your support. I really appreicate all the kind words. I know there are some who think I am stupid for sticking around, but I just think that what we have is worth it. He's my best friend - I just want the passion back in our lives.

Monday, April 24, 2006, 5:44 PM

To the OP; yes it's worth hanging in there and seeing if a solution can be found. I think some of our posters too quickly dash off a response to these types of situations like "dump him" in almost a knee-jerk fashion. I'm sure they are motivated by wanting to see you have a better life. But splitting up a family can not be taken so lightly. That may be necessary in the end of course, but I really think we owe it to our children to see what we can do to resolve the situation. Best wishes to you and I'm glad you' ve found us by and large supportive!

Monday, April 24, 2006, 6:01 PM

To the OP.

Our society is so quick in "leaving at the first sign of problems".... and we wonder why the kids are so unruly? Not that I think a person should "stick it out" forever, (especially if there is any abuse involved), but there is merit in trying to fix things before tossing it away like a used hanky.

Part of living with a spouse is learning to work things out-- and if you do, the lesson your kids will learn is that if you value a marriage and relationship, you will learn to work at it and try to negotiate your way through the ups and downs.

My mom had me copy a poem in my childhood about "children learn what they live."... it has a lot of merit-- If the kids learn that their parents are able to work through difficult times to keep a relationship alive, I am sure that they will apply such behavior in their lives as they grow older and find spouses of their own.

Good luck, I hope things work out!

Monday, April 24, 2006, 10:55 PM

How has this been going?! I followed it from the beggining and I'd like an update if you can type one :)

Tuesday, June 6, 2006, 8:47 AM

talk

talk to him... let him know how you feel. often we want men to read our minds... but they can't so be open and honest with him about how you feel :) good luck.. you deserve to be happy

Tuesday, June 6, 2006, 10:20 PM

Hello all - OP and update here

Still no sex - and I did talk with him - over and over and over. At this point I'm not really talking about it anymore, I just think the talking made him feel like a failure - he is already feeling that way. He is severly depressed after failing several business attempts over the past few years, and I feel like I would be deserting him if I left. At this point I am concentrating on getting my own shit together and trying to leave him alone to his own problems. Hopefully he will come around before I can't take it anymore. We have been more intimate on occasions, but have not gone all the way. But I think it will take us a while to get back to that.

Thursday, June 8, 2006, 8:53 PM

Hang in there. You seem to have such a good positive attitude. Very admirable. I like how you are planning on working on your own stuff and not so concerned about his. This is very healthy. Keep it up. You have a lot of support here.

Thursday, June 8, 2006, 11:31 PM

Sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time, but I'm not surprised. This situation sounded serious. It's such a shame he won't get help with the depression. This can really grip a person and I don't know what you can do. I have a close friend who is experiencing clinical depression like I have never seen in someone I'm close to, to the point where she is just not functioning in life. I feel helpless to help her except to keep encouraging her to get professional help, which she is doing.
I would seek professional advice on how you yourself can cope with his depression, and any signs to look for that may indicate suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I'm not saying that's happening, we just have no way of knowing. I wish you the best and thanks for keeping us posted.

Friday, June 9, 2006, 5:44 AM

my sexless marriage

I have been married now for nearly three years, known my husband for over 4 years. We have never had sex. He had some physical problems before the marriage so we couldnt, but then his mum passed away shortly afterwards which delayed him sorting himself out for a while. after that he has been in numerous therapies for what he thinks is anxiety and pressure to perform. I was as supportive as I could be from the start but I have now waited for him for 4 years. I have grown very resentful and bitter about this and dont even know if I want to sort it out now. He wont talk about it, he is not in any therapy anymore. I dont know whats wrong with him!

I am so depressed about this situation, I find myself feeling so lonley and cheated all the time! Im only 23- he was my first long term relationship and hes cheated me out of the whole "honeymoon period" of our relationshipe. hes older than me- 31.

Hes a lovley guy and has a heart of gold, but I feel like his maid or room mate and I just dont know what to do or what I want anymore! Im so sad about this

Friday, June 1, 2007, 6:36 PM

my sexless marriage

I have told him I am going to leave him numerous times, but he cries to me saying he cant live without me. I know I can have the marriage anulled if I seriously decided to go ahead and leave.

Part of me still loves him dearly, but another side to me has begun to hate him for what he has put me through. How can a person be so cruel? I could never do it to him. I think that is why it hurts more

Friday, June 1, 2007, 6:58 PM

If it's a performance issue, does he at least use toys with you, or otherwise attempt to satisfy your physical (and emotional!) needs? If not, I think you have your answer as to whether this is an issue that is subject to change, or something you would be choosing to live with in perpetuity. Even biblically (I'm SOOOO not religious), it's part of the package deal for staying married. There are reasons for that.

Friday, June 1, 2007, 7:45 PM

my sexless marriage

No we do not do anything physical anymore. before we got married he used to try, but since the wedding, this has slowly died away. It is partly my fault, I have recently started to push him further away from me as I have felt rejected and angry, so will not let him get close as I dont want to be hurt anymore. He says he loves me and does not want to loose me. I do believe this but i cant carry on like this. Its driving me insane

Saturday, June 2, 2007, 10:14 AM

Sunday, June 3, 2007, 3:16 PM

To the O P. sounds like it is his problem and not yours.
Go buy your self some cool toys and a bottle of champagne and take care of your self. You have to watch out for #1 that is you.

Sunday, June 3, 2007, 3:59 PM

He needs a therapist. He may not want to go see one but if it means the end of your marriage perhaps he will consider it?

Sunday, June 3, 2007, 4:12 PM

look what this man has done to you, your angry, have no self esteem, blame yourself for his problems, he wont talk to you. i feel it is a bit controlling on his part. why live like that. take your kids and make a life for yourself. you say he is your best friend...if it was another woman doing this to you, would you keep her as your best friend? think about that. there is no need to live in so much pain, life is to enjoyed, and relationships are a two way street, give and take. your husband does not give nor does he take. give yourself a break, and start taking care of yourself and your kids. if he wont seek help, then let him wallow in his own crap. i would move on then

Monday, June 4, 2007, 10:06 AM

I still think that based on his response (or lack of) there might be another person involved. Its not just the lack of sex thing. It sounds like he wants out and over but doesn't hav ethe gumption to do it himself. He probably figures if he shuts down you will get upset / tired and make the first step to get out - then he is blameless in this all (she left me syndrome).

The fact that he is a workaholic is a great opportunity for meeting someone else. The affair doesn't always mean sex right away. My present husband and I were having an affair for months before ever laying a hand on each other. The affair started emotionally and spending time together and talking about how unhappy we were in our then current relationships.

Just be careful not to let yourself get hurt anymore than you have.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 10:20 AM

to the op

hear, hear for the sanctitiy and respect for the marriage vows! these are VOWS, not intentions. it's a shame that the seriousness and permanence of marriage vows are so often overlooked. i applaud the OP for making sure she gives it her all. sure, i believe there are times when divorce or separation is the answer, but i think the question needs to be rephrased as many ways as possible before divorce is the right answer.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 10:22 AM

how much more does she give him? where is the limit? marriage is a vow, but it is a two way street. he shut down, is she suppose to be miserable for the rest of her life?

Monday, June 4, 2007, 12:43 PM

I agree 12:43 - how long should she leave herself open to rejection, and hurt at the hands of the one who should be supporting her. There is way more to this.
How many years are you meant live unhappy? Just how damaging can it be to your physical health (stress, anxiety)?

Sorry 10:22 but life is way tOOOOOOOOOO short, you get one whack at this ball and that is it. In the end ................. they put you in a box.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 2:38 PM

my concern

My concern is, if he is not having sex with you, then WHO is he having sex with? I dont know a man-unless he is a monk- that gon that long without some type of release.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 4:49 PM

That's exactly how I feel! I hought I was alone. What's up with that?

Monday, June 4, 2007, 4:50 PM

And it's lasted a yea and half....I dont think so

Monday, June 4, 2007, 4:51 PM

how do you know he is not getting it somewhere else? You cant be with him 24/7.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 4:52 PM

Hey what church do you go to?

Monday, June 4, 2007, 4:53 PM

He is definitly getting it somewhere else

Monday, June 4, 2007, 5:11 PM

Before you all jump down my throat cause you think I am some guy defending men, I'm not I'm a woman. To all of you who insist that a man can not go a year and half without sex you are wrong. There are some men who do just that and not because they dont want to have sex, but because their signifant others don't.

I had a long conversation with my brother-in-law recently about his relationship with his girlfriend of over 4 years. He was at a loss as to what to do with their relationship because they have not has sex in over 17 months not because he didnt want to, but because she had no desire to and said it caused her pain to do so. Yet he has stayed with her because he loves her and has asked her to seek couples counciling or a doctor, which she refuses to do. He is facing a similar situation to the opening poster in that he loves his girlfriend but he needs a healty sex life as well.

He came from a healthy sex life prior to this relationship and knows what good sex can add to a relationship. However his girlfriend was a virgin when they met and he waited over a year and a 1/2 for her to be ready in their relationship to have sex. Unfortunatly she does not enjoy it and has never had the experiences he has had with it.

He admittly stated he will not sleep with someone else and has not cheated, mind you this is coming from a 25 year old guy. So clearly it is in fact possible for a man to have some self controll. To say that a guy can not go with out it is just plan wrong and sexist. Yes many men have strong sex drives but they are not all wild beasts unable to controll their bodies, some of them are actually human and act like it. He like the opening poster is not willing to throw away a future with someone he loves over sex but instead is trying to figure out how to mesh the two together.

To the OP if you are still around, good luck with your marriage, keep working at it and get counciling with or without him. He clearly needs help, and if he refuses it then the best thing you can do is help yourself. Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Monday, June 4, 2007, 8:58 PM

Ok..I'm done reaing this thread...jeez...its so long! I just wanted to give you my opinion. My hubby is a workaholic who also doesnot care about sex. BUT...there is porn all over his computer. So after years of discussing the problem... I freaked out! I told him that he better go talk to the doctor about his problems and that he obviously thinks about sex because its all over his computer. You just dont want to have it with me. He says that thats not true its just that hes tired and our sleeping schedules are different and i want it at night and he wants it in the morning. so I told him to wake me up!! He did get some antidepressant from the doc and that helped his nasty mood. I just call him on it! I tell him, "Dont you dare talk to me like that!" And i also told him that i dont care what he thinks ...that i am compromising to have sex only once a week so HE better compromise and give it up once a week! Like it or not!" So he usually wakes me up on Saturday mornings...yawn now thats getting boring . lol. And also... I have made a very full life for myself without him. I am not sitting around waiting for him to come home from work. I have friends and family that i make plans with or invite over. Sometimes they will ask, "Wheres your hubby?" Working!!!! all the time!! But at least hes at work. It could be worse. I really dont think mine is cheating either. And hes not gay because i have checked his history and checked out his porn. Because i also thaought that maybe he was gay because i am fabulous! heehee. He just says that his drive is lower than mine and if i want it than i should come and get it but he has also turned me down plenty of times. I think he has learned his lesson tho because of my wrath. lol. But i also get sick and tired of being the initiater (sp?). Sometimes i yearn for a nice makeout session with someone. But i also do not want my marriage to be over because of the kids and i really do love him. But...if it wasnt for the kids... I would have left him. Argghh!! Compromise!!!! Stinks!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007, 12:37 AM

hello.. i hope its going better

Tuesday, June 5, 2007, 11:36 PM

I'm a man. I stopped having sex with my girlfriend when I started taking antidepressants. Ten years ago. You just don't think about it anymore. Maybe you should take antidepressants too, and join him in his world. Sex is really quite repulsive without the rose colored glasses of a libido.

Sunday, August 12, 2007, 8:50 AM

Yikes(!) to 8/12, 8:50am above for restarting this thread, only to say "Sex is really quite repulsive without the rose colored glasses of a libido." I was on anti-depressants for a short while, lost my libido, but was still able to enjoy lovemaking. My husband has been on anti-depressants for about 10 years now but still enjoys sex, even if he has a problem occasionally with maintaining an erection. It's more than just the physical act, he loves the closeness, the connection, the affection and everything that sex is between us. It's a wonderful, endorphin-filled experience that brings a special closeness to our relationship that is unique in that no one is included in our circle of 2. I feel sorry for you.

Sunday, August 12, 2007, 9:30 AM

I read the thread hoping that the situation with the OP has improved - only because I wonder if I am headed in the same direction.

When we got pregnant, my husband wanted less sex but was still very affectionate. Since our baby was stillborn he refuses to be intimate, including hugs and kisses. I too have thought about leaving because I feel exactly as the OP described it, depressed and rejected. He obviously has sexual urges because I have found porn on the computer, which only makes me feel worse. Because we lost the baby only 3 months ago, that pain is still very real and I wonder if the situation will resolve itself given time...

It's just tough feeling unloved and unwanted, especially during this difficult time. But having read the post, I think it is more than likely that my husband is going through depression and that could be why he isn't feeling particularly loving.

We have no live children, so my situation is different, but I am patiently waiting to see if he comes around. I guess all I can do now is quietly be supportive of his depression.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007, 12:47 AM

"I guess all I can do now is quietly be supportive of his depression."

If he broke his leg, would you do the same? No, dear. You can point out to him that you believe he is depressed and urge him to seek counseling. Depression is a mental break that could be readily answered by focused counseling. You two both suffered a painful loss. Time to talk through how it's affected you and what you can do to recover love, joy and passion.

To the OP, these words of feminist wisdom: YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE. Ask your husband frankly if he believes its fair to be in a marriage that is without sex and intimacy and frank communication about the same. If he says no, then his path is clear. If he says yes, so's yours.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007, 9:37 AM

Well two things come to mind:

his testostorone level is low

OR

he is having an affair.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007, 10:41 PM

i'm a guy divorced for more than two years and i can say from personal experience that a sexless relationship is problematic, but probably not the problem you think it is. my ex was and still is very attractive, but we experienced times when our relationship was having serious problems and neither of us wanted to have sex or be intimate. it had nothing to do with how attracted i was to her physically.

If you are having good intimate sex regularly it is about 10% of your relationship. If you are not having sex and being intimate then it balloons into a big problem and becomes the giant elephant in the room.

try reconnecting with your man on a more subtle level like flirting...speaking as a guy I mean the more basic flirting like you look nice wearing...or I love how strong you are when you...or i think it is sexy when you...

as soon as you start to show your frustration and anxiety to your man he will probably clam up and get defensive.

nothing turns a guy off faster than feeling like he is pressured into doing something or hen-pecked into altering his behavior. What guy wants to admit that they aren't perfect and could possible be wrong?

good luck and don't believe that he doesn't want to have sex with you because of the way you look, because if that is the case then he is not worth your time at all.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 9:22 AM

8:50

Are those anti-depressants working? Sounds like they're not.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 9:31 AM

What would you guys do about a marriage that has been sexless for about a year, we have been married more than ten total. We have a great family, healthy kids, happy home but I am no longer attracted to my husband. I feel like he is my roommate and partner in raising the kids but I don't have sexual feelings for him anymore, there are a number of reasons for this, I guess just personality and general different outlooks on life and the sex we had previously was not great, so I just stopped doing it and he has not asked for it in so long either.

I am so desperate for intimacy but not with him, I know, it sucks. We communicate terribly about these things by the way and what good would it do, I would hurt his feelings if I told him that I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way, sexless to the ends of my days. I'm so torn as to what to do.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 7:36 PM

I can relate to 7:36 as well, the only difference is we used to have a wonderful sex life. I mean really great! I am just not attracted to him anymore. Its not so much physical, he has a great body and is very handsome. There just aren't any feelings there anymore. Been married 20 years, 4 kids, just nothing there. I don't enjoy spending time with him anymore.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 7:54 PM

7:36 here, I'm glad someone can relate.Where do you go from here? Losing weight and looking forward towards the rest of my life has really bought up some uncomfortable questions that I just buried before with food, now although the weight loss is great, I'm really having to confront issues and I"m having a tough time with it.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 8:01 PM

8/14 12:47 here...
Thanks to 8/15 9:22 for the male perspective - i only wish I had the insight before. I know I had no intention of making the situation worse, but my probing questions and need for answers has possibly cornered him.

As for counseling/therapy/anti-depressants - if it were that easy to get him to commit to any of the above, I wouldn't be sitting here alone on the computer wondering if things will ever get better. It's not for the lack of trying...but I barely have enough emotional strength to take care of myself. At least I have acknowledge that and sought help...but I just don't know how long I can keep waiting for things to improve...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007, 9:39 PM

Do you think any of you ladies would consider having an affair to deal with your needs?

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 11:42 AM

Honestly, yes. Makes me sound like a terrible person, I know, but I have only thought about it, not acted on it, the thoughts about this are increasing though, it's just there are so many, many down sides to going elsewhere, I'm not sure it's worth it.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 12:38 PM

12:38

Same thoughts here!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 1:01 PM

12:38 here. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one thinking these things. I feel a kind of relief to be able to bring this up here as I would never be able to tell anyone in real life. It helps just to get it out.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 1:40 PM

Affair? I think about it all time... Never acted on it, but I cruise craigslist and fantasize about meeting a man on there. They have some ads from men that come right out and say they are married and are looking for a discreet relationship. I have seriously thought about it, but is it worth losing my husband and best friend?

I would just like to have good sex with someone other than myself :(

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 1:49 PM

Wow, ads on Craiglist like that? I had no idea......

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 1:57 PM

Married man here and have for the most part lost my sexual desire for her...

Sex is like down to 1 or 2 times maybe every month or so! Sometimes lose my erection giving her oral so when she's ready for intercourse, its limp and tiny!

However I do think about other women.. Never have acted on it. Not sure if I really would go through with it.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:10 PM

What do you think about the concept of "open marriage"? Recently my husband proposed it, and I'm taking advantage of the offer. We still sleep with each other once in a while, but we are both allowed to sleep with other people. We have a don't ask don't tell policy and try to be discreet with each other about it. Does anyone have experience with this and can offer some advice?

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:13 PM

I'm not sure my husband would go for it but you never know, the lack of action between us might one day be enough for him to want to do that while still keeping the family together. It's a solution I had never thought of before, worth considering, as I don't feel things are so bad in our relationship that I should ask for a divorce and everything that comes with that, if I were getting discreet, great sex with someone else but could still keep the family as it is, I would be happier. I think.

2:10 How long have you been married, do you know why you are not attracted to your wife anymore? Sorry to be so nosey but just trying to figure out my own feelings on this issue.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:25 PM

2:13
That open marriage concept does sound interesting! I mean if its kept discreet, don't ask don't tell...

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:33 PM

2:10

Its okay you can ask... We have been married over 25 years. Guess we're just "comfortable" with each other. I will say she is 5'2" and 200lbs, size 18. However not sure what if anything her size has to do with it.

We just seemed to have lost the spark.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:37 PM

Just had a thought. If a woman was looking for a man to have sex with.... would his ahem "physical attribute" wink-wink play a part??

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 2:50 PM

to the 2:50 Poster..... I don't think his "attributes has anything to do with it, as most women do not cum from only penal stimulation.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:06 PM

3:06
Thanks for replying! Just that I've always heard stuff like.. "his size doesn't matter because I love him, not just his tool".

So it occurred to me, if a woman is looking for SEX, would a "guppy" get thrown back in so to speak!

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:29 PM

2:50
there is no issue at all with the size his 'physical attribute' is. That's not the problem in my case. I guess it's an average size, I don't have too much experience with other men, so can't really compare but size is not an issue.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:32 PM

3:32
I didn't mean would the reason for wanting to have sex outside the marriage be because of the husband's size. I meant as long as a woman is going outside the marriage for sex (and sex only) would she desire a larger size.

Or maybe larger size is the wrong wording. Would she want someone who was not small?

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:49 PM

If I were going to risk my marriage for sex outside of my relationship, then yes, my preference would be for someone that I would not consider small. Been there and done that in my single days, in other ways he was very masculine but I was never fully satisfied due to him being smaller. So if the encounter with this man would be for sex only, then I would want it to be the best experience that it could possibly be. Sorry if this is too honest and open, I don't mean to offend.

2:10 thanks for replying, we have lost the spark too.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:59 PM

Decided to jump in on this as I have a lot of experience. Size does matter!!!!!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 4:05 PM

"Decided to jump in on this as I have a lot of experience."

do you use this line often? hahaha

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 4:11 PM

Or if an open marriage is not your thing how about becoming swingers! That might solve the problem, see the other thread, lol. Just kidding!

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 5:06 PM

Yesterday's 2:10 here:

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 3:59 PM

Thanks for your honest reply! You didn't offend me. Um, but as you may have suspected, I am small. Under 5 inches.

Thursday, August 16, 2007, 4:05 PM

Thanks also for your reply!

Friday, August 17, 2007, 8:13 AM

You're welcome, I hope things work out for you!

Friday, August 17, 2007, 11:33 AM

OMG!!! The man perv is on this thread too!!!

Buddy-no one want to know what size you are!! You've already mentioned in more than one thread your exact measurements!! Sounds like you must have a complex of some sort! Stop looking for verification here.

Friday, August 17, 2007, 12:42 PM

what's the problem with him trying to affirm that size is not an issue for all women? women discuss all kinds of nasty health issues and there are sex related topics galore. it's not out of context or gross.

Friday, August 17, 2007, 12:55 PM

agreed 12:55, I was the one rsponding to him and I did not think his question was pervy or inappropriate.

Friday, August 17, 2007, 1:16 PM

I responded as well to him too. There is nothing wrong with it........

Just to put it out there...... I don't have a lot sex and keep my toys small....... But sometimes I think I am too "loose" in that area and that it will turn the guy off.

Friday, August 17, 2007, 1:19 PM

have you heard of kegel exercises? they also have exercise "equipment" to help tighten the area with repeated muscle contractions that you control. maybe have a marathon exercise session-treadmill & kegel, anyone?

Friday, August 17, 2007, 1:23 PM

8:13 here

11:33 12:55, 1:16, 1:19

Thanks... :)

BTW to 1:19 I wouldn't think you'd turn me off, in fact I'd feel not that you were too loose but that I was too small. However I have heard kegal exercises help women.

Friday, August 17, 2007, 1:48 PM

8:50 to 9:31

Why do you assume that if a person is not depressed they will desire sex? Doesn't it make better sense that a happy and satisfied person would NOT need sex? ...That sex would instead be a desperate attempt of the depressed grasping at something, anything to bring them happiness? The truth is my antidepressants are working and part of the reason I know is because I don't think about sex. I get satisfaction from the many other things life has to offer. What you may find ironic is that when I was depressed I would turn to sex hoping to find happiness only to find a physically intense short lived episode instead. I have experienced both, and would never give up my happiness for sex. 9:31, is your sex working? "Sounds like it's not."

Monday, August 20, 2007, 2:35 AM

Usually when men lose their sex drive it's because they are stressed or depressed or feel inadequate. They might even be sick. Whatever the reason, it must be upsetting. Can you guys get counseling?

Thursday, November 29, 2007, 11:32 AM

I feel like he 's not doing you he,s doing somebody. I don't know of any man depressed or whatever not wanting to have sex. Even men with dysfunction issues still have the desire.

Thursday, November 29, 2007, 4:21 PM

This sounds like my parents....

I know that my mom doesn't love my dad anymore. They don't have sex and she tends to ignore him and not talk about things- they're basically roommates only now. Well I also realize the only reason my mom is doing this is because she can't stand to be the one to make a first move when it comes to getting a divorce, so she does these things in hopes that my dad will get fed up enough and leave her. Could be your situation? He's too scared to be the bad guy?

Thursday, November 29, 2007, 8:37 PM

Sexless Marriage

Oh boy is this familiar. Ten years married, no sex for the last 6. Groan. Recently I found my husband's new porn (a recurring but I though over, problem) and confronted him. He was obviously having sex with himself all these years. And I told him I felt like I was played for a tool.

For years I felt it was my problem. My back was bad, I was getting old (I'm over 50)--guess what, I'm fine. Terrific in fact. So off he goes to work...I gave up booze, lost some weight, got a manicure, pedicure and a brazillian. Next I'm going to get a small tattoo and if he ever notices it I'll tell him I got it for my 50th birthday.

Oh-BTW I also got an unmarried, descreet lover. So the dry spell is over folks.

My husband is in love with sex with himself. Pure and simple. His ego has put him in the safe comfort of his own hand--so be it.

I'm not dead yet.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 11:56 AM

On average since I got married, we have sex 1 time a month. I am going to sleep with other people. I told him last year, step up or I'm stepping out. Nothing changed. So that there is what it is. I am on peertrainer trying to get in shape to be more attractive so my search won't be as difficult to find an outside partner.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 1:15 PM

2:35, I agree with you. I think this world has been WAY to conditioned to believe that sex is the end-all-be-all. I mean, really, it's lovely to be intimate, but the whole thing is really quite gross if you take away the libido. Don't you ever feel like an animal when you're doing it, people? Think about it. No where is it written that people must have x amount of sex to keep their marriage alive. I don't remember anything being in my vows about sex at all. It's just one of the ways a couple connects. There are certainly plenty of other ways that are just as valuable, if not more.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 1:46 PM

"Keeping yourselves to one another" is about sex it is in vows. Normal, healthy, nobody touched my naughty places when I was young, consenting adults, don't need drugs or drinks to do it, monogamous. I don't believe ultimate happiness is achieved through sex alone. I am POSITIVE it doesn't come from the pharmacy. A pill won't replace the caress of a lovers hand or their breathe on your skin. I don't think having 'X' amount of sex does guarantee happy marriage. I know that having '0' amount of sex doesn't for sure! I enjoy sex, it is not gross, it is natural.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 6:04 PM

Try three years

I know what you're feeling. The last time my husband and I had sex was in April of 2005. There's always a reason (mostly physical), but I think that it's because of me. We've only been married since 2003, so what else could it be?

Before we go married, he used to kiss me and hold me. Now is idea of itimacy is tickling me. I cannot initiate any type of intimacy. If I try, I get "Leave me alone!" or "I'm busy." or "No!" What's the point of being married if I can't share myself with this person?

Sunday, May 18, 2008, 6:30 PM

I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years and i can tell a difference already in the spark from the beginning of the relationship. I talk about it with my boyfriend many times. He said that he feels like he's getting older so he doesn't have as much sexual energy as when he was 18.

I dropped some weight and noticed that really didn't affect his sexual desires at all. I'm about 5'8" and 160 but i'm build really muscular and I'm athletic. Then i decided to play around and change my attitude. I started buying sexy things, doing a little bit of sexy role play. That worked because it was different. But we still don't have as much sex.

I don't think it has a lot to do with overweight, maybe it's in the attitude. Thing about yourself as sexy, go get some new stuff to play with, introduce it into the relationship and see how that works. When the stress of life gets tough that kills sexual desire....we have to find ways to rekindle it...

If you have any ideas, i would love to hear them too....the whole once a month thing is not enough for me...

Sunday, May 18, 2008, 9:02 PM

FAT is destroying our relationship

My significant other (SO) is obese and just doesn't seem to want to do much to make herself attractive. I do not want to touch her anymore and I find myself energizing my weight loss with fantasies of moving on and finding someone who cares about her health including a healthy sex life.

I am struggling to deal with my own overweight issues and I feel like I am in a row boat rowing my side of the boat while all she does on her side is talk about losing weight. This is getting really old and I feel like I am ripe for an affair.

Monday, August 25, 2008, 1:56 AM

Is it really all about how much sex you're having or the quality of the sex you're having? My husband used to "bug" me all the time for it and I say it like that because I felt pressured all the time but the sex has always been good. Once I relaxed and made time for it I realized it was an important part of our relationship. He needed that to feel close to me. Now that we've been together 17 years he's not as aggressive as he used to be and of course that had me worried for a little while but he's explained that it's just that he's a bit older now and he's not as "randy" as he used to be. However, when we do have sex, several times a month, it's good- always good. So my question to you all is, is it really the number of times you have it that's important or the time and quality spent when you are doing it that's more important?
Also, to the rest of you who are gaining outside interests, i.e, other lovers. My question is why? Why not get a divorce, THEN go find another lover? Why stay with this person if you're unhappy? That just seems so unfair to both of you. Isn't marriage for better or worse? In this case maybe it's worse and it can't be fixed but you vowed to love this person for the rest of your life. You can still love them and divorce them, show them you love and respect them enough to divorce them and allow both of you to get on with your lives and be happier all around. You only live once, shouldn't you try to do it right?

Monday, August 25, 2008, 9:01 AM

It has been a couple years since we have heard from the original OP and it would be interesting to see how things have worked out for her and her husband. Often times men place their happiness on the "work" factor. They feel more successful and happy if they are making a lot of money and are high on the success ladder. It is up to the wife to keep the homefires burning and the children cared for. That is not saying that he wont be an active father, but that there is a definite job description in that "I work and make the money and you take care of the kids and the house". If he does not meet his previously set goals, he gets depressed and withdraws. What I worry about more then her sex life is that without him meeting his goals will he be suicidal.

As far as my own personal sex issues, things were great when we were 1st married but after we had our 4th chlld he demanded more and more. It wasnt just every single night, it was all night long ! I would get up to fix breakfast and get kids off to school and he would lay in bed calling for me to come back. I had 2 hyper kids so could not get a nap in, no money to pay for a sitter and getting more wore out by the hour. I had always told myself that I would never say no, and so that was so engrained in my head. Quite often he would stay up watching tv until midnight and then come in the bedroom, turn on the lights, bounce on the bed, throw back the blankets and kick at me to wake me up. I could hardly move. I even told him to please make it a quicky.
One night he came in with this attitude again, and said "If the only way I can get you to perform your wifely duty is to rape you, so be it". Then it hit me that he didnt care a rat's ass about me as an individual, but just about the sex that he had to have in order to function and his ability to overpower me. While I cried myself to sleep because I realized this was all our marriage was, in the morning I told him that if he ever figured that I OWED him sex by the mere fact that we were married and not because there is love between us then dont let the door slap him in the ass. I thought I really loved this guy, but I couldnot live the rest of my life like this. We stayed together for another 10 years without any sex at all. (at least between the 2 of us) when he complained I told him to talk to his hand. During this time I didnot entertain the idea at all of having an affair. What I did fantasize about was what it would be like to be with someone who could act like they love me. I dont care about penis size. His was large and he was very fascinated by it. I want someone who will take a walk with me and walk next to me without racing ahead, who will hold my hand or put his arm around me, or have intelligent conversations that dont ALWAYS wrap around what he is doing and feeling. I wanted someone who could set goals for our future together and perhaps travel somewhere, visit family, go to the movies, give each other massages, help each other out. We were married for 22 years and I was so incredibly lonely for the last 15 years because he refused to be a part of his family.

Monday, August 25, 2008, 12:42 PM

Dude...easy...just grab him and say "let's go" im pretty sure no one can say no to that : )

Monday, August 25, 2008, 5:02 PM

1:56 am

I think that what you said was honest and although I don't think that people should stray and should do what they can to keep their relationship together, sometimes I lay awake at night and feel the same way.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008, 9:26 PM

bump

Wednesday, August 27, 2008, 10:39 AM

Been On Both Sides

Is this a dead thread? I hope not. I've been on both sides. In my previous marriage which ended 5 years ago after 12 years I was the one who lost interest. It had everything to do with not wanting to be in the marriage anymore. We were incompatible as a couple and it eventually let to my lack of interest. I would have sex just to satisfy my spouse.
I've been remarried now for 2.5 years and now I'm on the other side. My spouse has lost interest (happened abruptly after we married- we had a 1-year courting which included sex EVERY day) and swears it has everything to do with her and not me. It's the stress of our lives (blended family, her job, etc) and not me. It hurts a lot. She is willing to have sex with me once or twice every two weeks, but that is it. It feels good, but then I feel bad because i know she doesn't want to, but is just doing it to keep us together. I guess I shouldn't complain as she's willing to, but now I'm the one losing interest. I don't want to have sex just because we're supposed to. I want it to be a mutual want/need.

Thursday, February 5, 2009, 11:20 AM

Very familiar..

You have my sympathies because I am going through a similar situation and it feels as if I could've written this post myself. I too have been married for a short time and sex has been an issue from the beginning. Sex has dropped to 1-2 times a year! Not only is the frequency bad but the performance is worse. My husband does have a libido because he is wacking off to porn and cheating left and right but I just don't do it for him. I say that if a partner is refusing you any facet of a married relationship be it, emotional, sexual, physical and refuse to address the issue that is making you miserable than they have broken the vow first. Choosing to ignore my needs, enjoying the humiliation I feel has driven me to find intimacy elsewhere and I do not feel the least bit guilty. I say he deserves it and so do I...I am here for my children but if I didn't have children, I definitely wouldn't of been here. I say you have one life and you do not want to live with regrets. If he isn't making you happy and he refuses to make it work, either get a divorce or find a way of getting your satisfaction via other outlets..

Sunday, November 22, 2009, 3:17 PM

Okay, Girls I have been there and I am now living here. I have chosen to tell him he has to make a choice..but for right now get out! It is incredibly hard and I am feeling a lot of pain. If we had kids I can't imagine. But I would do the same if I did have kids. If he wants to continue on as he is than fine, but I won't and will not put up with it anymore. I have given plenty of chances. This has been very hard. He wants to 'win' me back but that will take a lot of work. I know I am doing the right thing becuase I will not be humilated like that anymore.

Monday, November 23, 2009, 2:27 PM

Hmmm....I have read most of this thread. I feel sorry for everyone here. I have been in a sexless relationship for 3 years now. And only a couple of times in the 3 years before that. I went through alot of pain, frustration, anger, bitterness, etc. Every emotion that you all state by being rejected. I investigated the possibility of someone else, porn, another guy even and everything turned up negative. My husband is obese and has gone to the doctor and nothing seems to be wrong there--though I believe that is the problem. We went to therapy, but I knew that wasn't going to get us anywhere so I went to therapy for myself. I worked real hard at it and made a decision. I love this man, he loves me, he doesn't want sex, I do-but can live w/out it and I don't want to lose the wonderful relationship that I have outside of the bedroom. Now, I am fortunate as he is extremely affectionate with me, but we just don't have any type of sexual contact, just lots of hugging and kissing. I love this man enough that I asked him to marry me after 12 years (we had been living together for 10 yrs and had all of our "papers in order" as a committed couple). But I wanted to get married and did so with the knowledge that I may never have real sex again. I am 45. You know what, I would stick with my husband if he had some terrible thing happen to him and couldn't have sex, so there is no reason for me to leave him now. It hurts terribly sometimes, but it is worth the sacrifice and I would rather count my blessings for all the good moments in my relationship rather than focus on the hour or two a week I might be missing out on. What it boils down to I suppose, is deciding what you are willing to sacrifice for the one you love--and that may even mean deciding if this is the one you love.

Sunday, November 29, 2009, 9:13 PM

Right On!

Sunday, November 29, 2009, 10:46 PM

Hi everyone,
I am in a similar situation, with lots of layers of yuck (him accesing porn, him throwing things at me and pushing me down to the floor in a fit of rage), and I've gained some weight (about 15 since we got married). Sex with him was great for the first year, and since then, he gave up,,, doesn't take the effort,, doesn't seem to have much interest. He is affectionate, but that's about it.
I don' t iniate,not sure why,,, lots to say about our marriage.. We get along great on superficial levels..... but the real stuff.... we suffer.
He is also a verbally abusive guy when we fight.. there is no logical, sensible fighting... he goes off, gets nasty and totally unreasonable..... Anyway..... we go months of getting along, though platonic......then a big fight.... days away from each other and the pattern continues.....I am tired of it.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 10:26 PM

time to go

Not once did you say anything about love. You are in an abusive relationship. Even if it only happens "once in a while". You need to seek help immediately. Because one day it will be more than unkind fighting words and a shove down to the floor. Please, please have the courage for yourself and if there is anyone else in the house to go get help.

Saturday, January 2, 2010, 10:05 PM

sexless marriage

My wife and I have been married 43 years and had two kids. After the kids sex was over. Not a bad deal we've been sexless for about 30 years, wife
is not interested and I have a low libdo and E/D. The E/d came at a good time
cause that cements the fact of having no sex, and intimancy is gone also.
Were at a older age where it makes no difference any more.
A quick peck on the cheek and go to sleep .
Wife is best friend and we love each other. No sex was the best thing in our life

Tuesday, February 9, 2010, 12:00 AM

Sexless marriage

I haven't read this whole thread, but I have read enough to know it is about a drop or end to a formerly sexual relationship. I was in this type of relationship in my first marriage. After we had our first child, sex dropped off to almost nothing. I thought it was due to my weight gain and began to feel badly about myself. I mentioned it in a group of women one time and there was total silence. Not one response. Cut quickly to another subject. Then I knew I was alone.

It was after our second child was born that I found out the real reason. He liked his hand better than me. After torturing myself for several years, he admitted he was masturbating. I asked how much. He told me several times a day! I was CRUSHED. I had tried to initiate sex many times and he just put me off. I also found porn was an issue. We divorced many years later when he had an affair.

I married a second time, and this husband became addicted to online chat rooms where you meet people and have sexual internet encounters. It all started the same way.... a cold shoulder and quick decline in sex. When it was reported that he was having an affair with a friend of mine, I drew the line. He left. We divorced.

I am married again. This time it is a beautiful, caring relationship. For the first time I love and am loved like a marriage is supposed to be. I am 56 and there was a healthy length of time before this last marriage. I have also educated myself on these types of issues (problems with intimacy, sexual dysfunction, masturbation, porn, internet, etc,). I've gone through some extensive counseling too. There is some pretty weird stuff going on out there ladies, and I can tell ya, if you are in a good marriage things work out. There may be dysfunction for a time, but a loving partner will put in some work to improve.

Don't blame your weight, you sex appeal, or any of that stuff if you speak honestly about these things to your spouse and they don't move forward to fix things. It may take time. I will be difficult. But if there is love between you, it will work out.

Two things I learned...if you think something is wrong (this is not normal, is he having an affair, porn, internet, etc) you are probably right. We have intuition for a reason. And, when a spouse responds to your concerns by trying to blame YOU, or accuse YOU of being crazy, you have hit a nerve.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010, 2:02 AM

Hi there, really sorry to hear what you're going through, but have you tried talking to him about it and finding out if there could be any particular reason, like he's depressed for example?

I read in a magazine recently that some men have difficulty accepting the change in their partners when they lose a lot of weight. Maybe it is due to this, as they can't adapt to the fact their partner is becoming more confident and attractive.

Whatever it is, you need to get to the root of the problem. Good luck anyway.

Thursday, February 11, 2010, 6:32 AM

sexless marriage

I my world things are alittle differernt. Its still a sexless marriage.
Our marriage got off to a rocky start , wedding night we didn't have sex I guess my wife wasn't ready. Honey moon was about the same, wife managed
to get sick, one of those stomach things.
Any way when we did have sex I really wasn't impressed about it, just couldn't get mentaly excited, physically yes, the thrill just wasn't there. I
got bored and in my mind I was thinking ok thats done whats next.
We managed to have two great kids and after the last one sex was turned off. That was abour 25 years ago. Were like room mates old, flabby , unattractive to anyone. Our life was hard but we managed. In our 60s and weve put the last nail in the sex coffin for good.

Saturday, February 27, 2010, 2:36 PM

Maybe he's out of shape. Some men who are overweight and lazy lack sex drive.

Sunday, February 28, 2010, 5:06 PM

why does it bother you that men have their own fantasy lives. Don't we all?

Sunday, September 26, 2010, 9:14 PM

My wife came back

Am Ramsey residing in Italy but am from Australia, Every Christmas dinner was a real mess for me and my two sons since when my wife left us. This then make me get drunk with my coworkers and. I had to get on with life and look for another woman that will bring life in to my life, but i couldnot because my self and my wife have gone too far to let go, we have been married for 22years now and this is how she's just going to leave me and my kids, i never did anuthing wrong to her, she just woke up one morning and said she is leaving to her country because she is from New Zealand. This seems so difficult for me to carry on with.
Things have been so weird in with me until last 2months i met a spell lady who worked for my friend and have resuts in 2days, I have never done something of this nature but i had to because i could not take it any more, The spell lady email contact i collected from my friend that i was reaching her was priestessifaa@yahoo.com, i gave her our pictures and she asked me to go and buy some black and red candle and burn them at mid night that she is going to be casting the spell then in her temple, that once the candle finish burning am going to hear from my wife. immediately the candle went off, Of a thruth my wife message me begging me that she is coming at weekend that she is taking the next available flight to Italy, i was amazed at the spell lady work, it was so quick and fast.
Now as am writing this, my wife is on a picnic with the kids. am so so happy to have my life back.
I beg anyone who have any issues to meet this priestess on her priestessifaa@yahoo.com, she never fails. she didn't fail me.
Or incase you want to talk to me my email is.
ramseyveron@yahoo.it

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