The Mean Page

My husband did something very insensitive yesterday, and it really hurt me. But at the time, I said nothing. After meeting several others who had people sabotaging their efforts, I started to think about something. Just how many people tick us off for understandable reasons, and yet we say nothing to stand up for ourselves?

I started thinking about self-esteem, and how MANY of us have such low self-esteem that we think we deserve to get disrespected. I started thinking how much better I felt yesterday after just admitting how angry I was about my husband's behavior. So many of us have weight problems that stem from emotional over-eating, and I'd wager that a lot of that comes from us not sticking up for ourselves. So what if we actually started asserting our right to not get dumped on? Wouldn't that put us in a position to have better control over our emotions and not over-eat when we're upset or frustrated? So, I wondered:

What about a "mean" page? A place to come and talk about everyone and everything that has ticked you off, disrespected you, upset you, hurt your feelings, or made you feel bad about yourself? A place to just vent that anger, a place to be as mean as you want about the people who hurt you if you need it, a place to start sticking up for yourself? A place to start getting out those emotions that bottle up and lead to me finding myself at the bottom of a half-gallon of ice cream.

I'll start.

My Mom ticks me off beyond belief, because when she sees me, the first thing she comments on is if I've lost weight. If I haven't, I just get complete silence, which I know means that I have gained weight. She makes my body a source of judgment, and it infuriates me. ESPECIALLY since I can't go to the self-centered witch for support-- all she'll talk about is how she just "can't eat like she used to" or other guilt-enducing crap. Woe be it for her to actually just shut up and listen, to be there for me when I need some support.

My Dad was always rotten about my weight growing up. If I would put a second helping of green beans on my plate, even when I was playing 3 sports and had a metabolism through the roof!, he would always yell at me about "that's ENTIRELY too much food, Tracy- you should NOT be eating like that! You can't afford to!" This coming from a 5'11", 250 pound man who was guarding the last chicken breast like it was gold.

My sister was thin for most of our childhood because of anorexia and bulemia. She would throw it in my face that she was the "pretty one", that she could get any guy she wanted- even those that she know I was interested in- and that I didn't have a chance in heck. She always humiliated me about my size, or offered "helpful criticism" on how to lose weight even when I wasn't asking for it. The self-important little snot made my life a living hell.

My old boyfriend was just a plain old rotten son of a gun. He made me feel fat, unattractive, and like an embarassment to him. This was the kind of guy that liked big girls, but didn't want to be SEEN with big girls. It makes me so angry to think I wasted 5 years of my life with that good-for-nothing PIG.

My grandmother is just going to get smacked some day by one of the larger people in the family- and SHE WILL DESERVE IT. Yes, I said it- my GRANDMOTHER has it coming. She arbitrarily decides what your "favorite food" is, and she will greet you at the door with literally 20-30 servings of it (even if you're only there overnight). You are expected to eat all or most of it, or you hurt her feelings. Then, as soon as you finish eating and are washing your plate, she'll come up to you and poke your fat and say "how are you EVER going to get married if you stay this heavy? You gotta look the way the boys like! Tee hee" and then she'll totter off to harass someone else. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I could CHOKE her. I just wanted to scream "HA!" when I married a 6'1" 170lb god of a man.

I cannot tell you how good it feels to get that OUT! Some of that has been 25 YEARS in the making! But after I've said it all, let me clarify: I DO love my family, I DESPERATELY love my Grandmom, and I hope my ex is happy in life always. The purpose of this exercise is in trying to get my hostility out in a healthy way, in a safe and non-judgmental place. That way, the NEXT time my mom/dad/sister/grandmom get on my nerves, I can come here and e-scream everything I want to yell at them, instead of going straight to the refrigerator.

Does anyone else think this might be helpful?

Mon. Sep 26, 6:41pm

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