Marriage Torn

Let me preference this post and say that I have talked to my wife about everything in this post, so she is aware of what exactly my feelings are at this point. Up until a week ago she had no idea I was this unhappy or dissatisfied with our marriage so this has blindsided her to say the least. She does know exactly how I feel at this point, which is still obviously way too late to be hearing these things….

In the last week I have just recently confessed to my wife that I very recently slept with a woman while I was away on a business trip. This is the first time that this has occurred during my marriage. I have been unhappy with my marriage for quite sometime now (2 – 3 years). My wife has gained 100+ pounds since we started dating seriously over 7 years ago and is obviously no where near the person physically that I fell in love with. We do NOT have any kids and there are no medical reasons for her gradual increase of weight over the past 5 years that I’m aware of. This has drastically effected how much we hold and passionately kiss each other…how much we have sex (Maybe once every 2 months)….everything. She also has started smoking on a regular basis over the last couple of years, which I hate. We have always had our differences but it seems those differences have increased. She recognizes that she can be a moody person and very negative at times and keeps saying she will work on these things, but nothing has changed.
I’m not going to say that I’m perfect by any means either. I am a very independent guy in a sense that I can easily find and migrate to the things that make me happy…especially if there is something in my life that makes me unhappy. I tend to forget and overlook those problems as long as I'm able to keep myself happy the majority of the time. Over the past 2 - 3 years I have spent a ton of time golfing, leaving for the weekends to do guy things, watching games at the bar, playing with the dog, etc. than being with her. I do really like golf and all that stuff, but I feel if I was truly still in love with her still that I would want to be around her more than I am.
It is my fault for not talking to her before I started to fall out of love with her. It is my fault for not letting her know my true feelings and desires. It is my fault for letting things fester up inside of me. It is easy to blame her for letting herself go physically over the last 5 years or for her smoking over the last 1 - 2 years or for our many overall differences. Those in themselves are tough conversations to have but nothing compared to what we are currently going through or the conversations yet to come. I obviously don't communicate very well with the people I love over the things that really matter in life and to me...and that has possibly cost me a marriage.

I know it has only been a week but I’m not sure if I want/can save this marriage. She obviously is very disappointed and extremely sad, but she still wants to work on the marriage and see if we can make it work. She wants the opportunity to change.

My problem is that I’m not sure if I want to work on it. I do still like her as a friend for sure and I would always consider her one of my good friends…I still find her intellectually stimulating…and I think we do share some emotional bonds here and there. But am I ever going to get back to the way that I felt about her when we were first married? I don’t want to drag this out for her, but then again I don’t want to rush and make a stupid decision either. I know marriage counseling is an option, and maybe I should go with her even though I’m not a big fan of bringing all of this up again (in person) to a complete stranger….

I’m essentially lost…and any advice would be appreciated.

Thu. Oct 18, 8:13pm

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