OT relationship advice needed

This is going to be long, but I would really really appreciate some advice.

My partner and I have been together for four years. It was a bit rocky in the beginning, but we sorted out a lot of our problems and for the past two years our relationship has been going really well and we are very happy together. We've also been living together for about a year and that's working out very well for both of us, too. We both want similar things in life and plan on a shared future and want to have kids in about 2-3 years (we're both 28). Every one in a while we fight, but usually manage to sort that out quickly and talk things out. So all in all, I am lucky to be with him and really cannot complain.

However, we are both not American citizens. His company is applying for a greencard for him, and this brought up questions like 'should we get married or not?' Though we both plan on a shared future, neither of us was thinking about getting married within the next year (just not the right timing, we thought) and I wasn't even sure how I feel about this whole marriage thing at all... (I'm not judgmental about it, I am happy for couples who do want to get married and cry at every ceremony, I just wasn't sure that it's the right thing for me. However, both of our moms and him as well started to talk about ones personal meaning for marriage, etc., and though he wasn't sure, he was the one who started thinking about not just signing the paper in order to get the visa, but to do the 'real thing' and make it be meaningful for us, etc.

So I thought about things and it became more important for me and all that stuff and I started to think, 'maybe I do want to get married and maybe I do want it now' and we both decided to get married in our home country over christmas (just a really small ceremony with our families, but something very small is what I would have wanted anyway...). So we said we'd do that and I was actually really happy about it and really looking forward to it. He acted weird and definitely not happy but never said anything either (he didn't want to talk about the whole thing at all), so finally I called the whole thing off again because he obviously wasn't ready for it (which was relatively easy because we hadn't told anyone, but it was very hurtful to me). He agreed that he wasn't ready just now and seemed happy I called it off, and we just kinda 'postponed' the whole thing (though right now, I am back in the 'I will never ever EVER get married).

It hurts me that he even started talking about this whole issue if he was so unsure. It hurts me that he didn't have the guts to tell me himself. It also hurts me that I am ready and he is not. I am mad because I was very content with not getting married, and now I do/did want to and he didn't (or wasn't sure if he did). I feel stupid and hurt and I as I am in my homecountry right now, I cannot help but think about our plans all the time and get even more pissed. I now he feels really horrible as well and he is sorry how things went and he still isn't sure if this was the right choice, but that doesn't make me less mad or less hurt (well, maybe a little, but not much).

Sometimes I feel like he should 'make it up' to me, but then I feel stupid even thinking that. And then again, I really do think he should cone up with a way. I also feel very alone with this issue because I haven't told anyone... partly because I feel humiliated and partly because everybody thinks we are such a wonderful, happy couple now and I don't want to ruin that picture... especially because this might be a little crisis, but it's definitely nothing that threatens our relationship in the long run.

Am I silly for feeling mad and hurt? What should I do? How should we deal with this?

Sun. Dec 21, 6:02am

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