Help... Guy's cheating

HI PTers,

Need to vent a little to keep me from going on a HUGE binge right now. Imagine.... about an hour ago I was with my boyfriend of six months and just got back to his house after a picnic at the beach. Another girl shows up and my b/f casually says hello to her as he finishes up his conversation on the phone while I stand there wondering who the h*** she is! He hangs up and she asks if I know she's his girlfriend... let the arguing begin now. He explains he hasn't seen her for 4 months and she says he just texted her this morning telling her he loves her. I grab my purse and take off to leave while he runs and jumps into my car after several slaps from the other girl. Yelling at him to get out of the car he tries to explain she's been "stalking" him for the past four months. So, I ask to see the text message on her phone... we go over to her and while she looks it up, he grabs the phone. By the time the "other girl" grabs it back she says the message is gone. Don't know if it was accidentally deleted or if she was making the whole thing up like he said. I try to leave again and my b/f jumps in my car again... we talk and he tries to explain that they broke up about 8mo ago and that she has been stalking him... he says in tears that he is so in love with me and wouldn't have me over all the time, anytime I want if he truely was seeing someone else. He said the only proof he can give is his friend's word.... but can I truly believe HIS friends?

So... advice is needed!! We were planning on moving in together soon... he changed around his job so that he could leave the state if I got accepted to a graduate school out of state and we talked about the future. Do I believe that this girl really is a pyscho and trying to ruin all future relationships... or do you think he really is seeing this girl on the side???

Sun. Jun 1, 9:26pm

So sorry to read what you are going through. Don't binge! No one is worth it, and you will feel bad afterwards anyhow. As for the bf, what does your gut tell you? Personally, it sounds like he is telling the truth, although I'm not sure why he would grab the phone away from this other girl, if not to delete a message. However, if he does have you over all the time, any time and planned to move in with you, he's either true to you, or completely ballsy. Good luck honey!

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 9:45 PM

He broke up with her eight months ago, she's been stalking him, you've been with him for 6 months and he never mentioned her? You know best what the situation is, but I would not be able to trust him and would probably break it off. I definitely would not move in with him right now.

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 9:51 PM

Also, if he hasn't seen her in four months and didn't text her, why wasn't he surprised to see her just show up?

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 9:53 PM

My boyfriend did the exact same thing to me. I ended up dating him for a year, and when we broke up (which was just recently!) I found out he really HAD been cheating on me with her the entire time!

It all made sense when he hooked up with 3 of my best friends the NIGHT he broke up with me! So stay away. Once a cheater, always a cheater. There is probably alot you DON"T know about, and it's best to stay away..far awayyy..from him. Hang out with your girlfriends, because they're the ones that will always be there for you..Well, unless you have friends like mine! :/

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 10:30 PM

OMG DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.

Too messy. Take a breather, take a break.

You don't need to binge! And you do not need this drama queen man!

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 10:30 PM

I am so sorry! I know this is not what you want to hear, but my advice would be to let him go. It sucks, I know. He most likely is cheating, and even if not, or even if he is casually cheating, or whatever his deal is, the trust has been shaken and you will be forever questioning his moves and what he tells you. Better to let 6 months walk away than 6 years.
xoxo

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 10:39 PM

OP here

Just an update... I went out and had an In & Out grilled cheese.. not exactly a binge because it still fit in my calorie allotment for the day, but not healthy either. Thanks for your support guys, I really should have read this before going for a drive and going through the drive thru. You have kept me away from the Ben & Jerrys in my freezer.

He has been calling and texting how much he loves me and how crazy the other girl is. Now his friends have even been calling me telling me ths is bulls***. I am so confused. I know it's been a short time but I really did fall in love and I am afraid to walk away if it truly is a misunderstanding.

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 11:05 PM

Ok if he's NOT cheating, he's got a mess to sort out before he has the right to bring another person into it. If he is being stalked, he should go the police b/c REAL stalkers are DANGEROUS!

If he had nothing to hide - WHY did he grab her phone???

At the very least, he needs to clean up his situation before he brings you into it - if he has a stalker, she will FLIP A GASKET if/when he moves in with someone else.

I would NOT move in with him.

If he is desperately phoning/texting with expressions of undying love, and you have only been dating 6 months, that's a red flag too! He should be concentrating his energy on fixing this so that he is able to freely move on.

whatever you do, do not binge, NO ONE is worth that!!!!!

That said, I don't believe the once a cheater always a cheater and I have seen that statement proven wrong ... but it takes the cheater to want to change from being a cheater NOTHING anyone else EVER says or does will change him, if that is what he is.

The bigger problem here is that if he has a stalker and you move in with him, guess what, you have a stalker now too!

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 11:14 PM

I guess first you need to ask yourself if she really was his girlfriend and he text her why wouldn't she have been pissed off seeing you at his house? I would take a guess that he is telling the truth, especially considering he was willing to arrange leaving with you if you went to grad school. Sounds like he's thinking of a future with you. If she was calm, I would believe him. Anyone who is cheating or has 2 girls would never just have you coming over when you wanted to or make plans for moving in together.

Sunday, June 1, 2008, 11:43 PM

Run, girl!!!...

At least wait to move in with him until this mess is figured out!

Monday, June 2, 2008, 9:18 AM

Take some time for both of you to calm down. Tell him you need him and his friends to take a 3-day breather. Assure him that when you have had some time to cool off and examine the facts that you will sit down and go over this with him point by point.

Write down what happened in bullet point format - what you have here is a good start. Show this to him and point out any accusations (so he can respond to them), and contradictions (and he ought to be able to clear them up) or any outright lies.

Now - taking his story at face value, why didn't he mention that he has an ex who would still like to be part of his life? He seems to have quickly developed strong feelings for you - is this a pattern for him? Are there things he did to exacerbate the situation? It's possible he's telling the truth and just handling things very badly in which case how will he handle any messy situations with you? Will he pretend they don't exist? or will he 'man up' and be straightforward? You need to know these things. Best wishes!

Monday, June 2, 2008, 10:01 AM

Seems like he falls in love quickly and often. That would be a red flag for me. Maybe it's well intentioned love, but I'd be wary of a guy who seems to hop from one love to another. That sounds needy to me, and maybe he's staying connected with her because he's so needy that he needs the attention from both of you to feel good about himself. TRAIN WRECK./

Monday, June 2, 2008, 12:18 PM

Dovetailing on 10:01am's advice - put him in a small room, shine a bright light on him, deny him any food or drink until he breaks, and bring in a girlfriend to play good cop to your bad cop...haha. Just kidding, the (sound) advice just had a little Law & Order feel to it ;)

Listen to your gut, girl. As someone mentioned - 6 months is better than investing 6 years. Doesn't mean you should ceremoniously dump him, but really listen to your gut as he attempts to explain. Do his answers really explain why a guy without anything to hide goes after the girl's cell phone? Or why he doesn't tell you that he has an EX who is STALKING him? Or why his response was so casual to this stalker who shows up on his doorstep?

And he said he saw her 4 months ago...weren't you dating then?

Grad school is such a fun time, not to mention a lot of work. You do not need stalker - cheater - drama. No one does, actually ;) Hear him out, but don't make excuses for him. Figure out if what he is saying REALLY makes sense...and stay out of the drive thrus!

Monday, June 2, 2008, 7:58 PM

OP Here again

Thanks everyone for your comments. Just wanted to give a little update because I always get annoyed when other people give a situation and don't tell how it all worked out!

I talked with my boyfriend a couple times and asked many questions. According to him, he was nonchalant about her showing up because he was on the phone and didn't want to say anything to set her off before he could get off the phone and handle it. And, he went inside and grabbed my purse (we were on the porch) while he was talking on the phone because he didn't know if the girl was going to hit me so he was going to throw me his car keys and get me out of there if she did anything to me. As for grabbing the phone... that wasn't such a clear cut answer. He explained it was just reflex to try and get it from her because he has no idea what crap she had on there from other people or from a long time ago when they were together so we wanted to go through it with me personally. Still don't know if I trust that answer. But, after talking with him I've decided that I actually do believe him, though my trust has been shaken. Just seems like since she lives in the same city, he would have been much more secretive with me, worrying about running into her. But, we went everywhere together and to big city events. And, he has to end things with her forever, no more stalker if he ever wants me at his house again. Maybe I'm making a mistake... I did tell him if ANYTHING like this happens again, don't call me, don't stop by my house, I am changing my number because nothing he says will turn it around.

Thanks again for all of your support! Hopefully I've made the right decision... and yes, the moving in part is far far away in our future.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008, 11:55 AM

OP - you are definitely more trusting than I am. I don't think I would have been able to give him another chance. I would have wanted him to talk to me about the situation he was in from the beginning, and not just when she showed up at the front door.
Good luck! I will be keeping you in my thoughts (and prayers)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008, 12:12 PM

hello there

OP congrats on not binging. Deep down you know the truth. Don't let your mind interfere with your intuition. It seems like you know the truth and that the deeper question is about how you want to handle the situation.
You could be compassionate and understanding on the outside without playing the fool. Ya know, give him time to work things out? Maybe he was cheating but realizes it was a mistake. Get the girl's number so you can check in with her in the future. There are many red flags though- for example, why would he rip the phone away from her if not to delete the evidence?
Don't forget that many women fall in love with whatever man we are having sex with. We release some chemical, oxytocin or something, that bonds us to the man we are having sex with. Some women are less susceptible to it, but don't underestimate its power. Tearing away can be painful. Imagine this relationship in five years based on several different scenarios- he's cheating and lying, he's cheating and you are accepting it and he's not cheating anymore. I bet you'll be able to feel which one is closest to truth. Good luck and GBU!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008, 2:49 PM

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