Single, fat, divorced and alone

I am in my thirties. I am a single mom. I have been divorced almost three years (anniversary month this month) I have not dated too much because of my weight. I find myself really frustrated because I feel like no matter what I see out there many, many people out there have someone but me. They might be tall, short, fat, ugly, beautiful, plain, goth, homely, or whatever their particular personality/looks/"person" they are... they have someone. I am like "Okay, they are with someone, why not me? Why can't I find someone?" Here I am walking around, well educated, fairly attractive, good job, some extra weight but dramatcially improving and I still feel like there must be some be a reason... I must be a troll and dont realize it. I must really have a bad personality and dont realize it. I know I sound negative right now, but just really have had a bad week and am frustrated. I am really not that bad. I mean, I feel like there is some blaring sign above me that says "DONT DATE ME" "DONT ASK ME OUT" or something to that effect. I am so frustrated. Has anyone ever felt like this?

Thu. May 1, 11:12pm

Has anyone ever NOT felt like this at some time?

Hey, you just haven't met the right person (or people, you should date around a bit) yet. And dating is a numbers game. You have to meet a lot of people before you find one to date. So I'd suggest trying things like speed-dating, meeting people on Match.com or other Internet sites, etc. People have to see you and talk to you to know how cool you are!

Thursday, May 1, 2008, 11:19 PM

Sorry for your bad week... but it's really true that "when you're not looking, you will find someone." That's what happened to me!

But, if you really don't like that idea, what have you done to find somebody? Are you getting out, joining groups or finding new hobbies, finding singles online? Maybe you are not meeting anyone to date because you are not putting yourself out there.

You will find a new man, someone you are meant to be with... don't be so hard on yourself and don't give up!

Thursday, May 1, 2008, 11:19 PM

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. I'm sure it doesn't help that this is your anniversary month.

Agree that you've got to put yourself out there. You can also refocus on just yourself, which is probably hard as a single mom. Reinvent yourself, your fabulous self so then the title of your next post isn't Single, Fat, Divorced, and Alone (think what kind of vibe that puts out), it will be Single, Fabulous, & Doing Just Fine, Thank You, which is followed by ..oh wait, hi, nice to meet you...what? You can't believe I'm single? (this is you meeting someone fabulous when you least expect it ;) )

Friday, May 2, 2008, 12:56 AM

Oh my...not sure what's showing now, but the "relevant ad" next to this thread right now is for www.BBWRomance.com. Thanks, Google, for making me giggle.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 1:04 AM

Its what you are putting out there. If you show yourself to be confident it doesn't matter how heavy you are, people wll be attracted to you. I think you have to work on your mind as well as your body, because as much as you want to be dating again, it doesn't sound like your heart and head is 100% into it.
Relax - get a makeover, and focus on yourself, it will come
.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 7:53 AM

I know it's easy to say that when you're not looking for someone that's when you meet someone, but it is kind of true. I was in exactly the same boat as you. Your story sounds exactly like mine.......I ate because I was depressed over my split, having to take care of a baby through all of it, and just didn't care. But eventually I got myself together and realized that while having a relationship might be nice, I didn't really want to get involved seriously again. To me, it was a trust issue and it made me learn how strong I was by myself. So there I was all proud of myself, I don't need a man except for maybe a little lovin, and boom! I met my husband. So find some strength in yourself, it's in there, and when you have that confidence it definitely shows to others.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 9:05 AM

divorced and depressed

i totally know where you're comming from. try to look at life as each day being a new beginning. you get out of it what you put into it. don't look at all the "happy couples"...they may not be so happy. try to get active, focus on fitness, family, friends. find something that makes you laugh every day. once you start to feel better about yourself everything else will start to fall into place for you. we have the life we want. it's not about finding out who we are. it's about deciding who we want to be and making it happen. so go out there and just do it!!!

Friday, May 2, 2008, 10:32 AM

OP, I know exactly how you feel. After divorcing my husband and being mostly alone for a couple years, I made the mistake of dating losers (and one very scary one!) for a while because I felt desperate. Don't make that mistake! I finally took my friends' advice, grew a spine, threw out the bad boyfriend, worked on my self esteem, got out there and started meeting nice guys. It is a numbers game. Nearly 6 years ago I met the most wonderful man and we're very happily married now. Talk to your girlfriends, work on your confidence and get out there. There are MANY men who love curvy women.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 11:22 AM

Did you ever notice

That when you are in a new relationship, you seem to get approached by the opposite sex more often? That is because you smile more, have a bounce in your step, and exude all the confidence of being in a happy relationship. So, find a way to get that bounce. Feel good and be pleased with your relationship with yourself. Smile. You sound lovely on your own. You will be fine.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 11:25 AM

Hang in there OP!

Do not be so hard on yourself!

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I am not single, but am having a hard time having a baby. I would love to a mom. I think you are so lucky!

Friday, May 2, 2008, 1:04 PM

OP again

OP here...
Thank you for all your comments. Yesterday was awful. I am trying to maintain positivity. I have tried the internet thing. I am not sure if it is my location or what (not a real big city), but all I get are losers. I am not getting anyone with a quality profile of anything that I am looking for. In general, the ones that contact me dont meet any of the criteria I put in there. The ones that have and that I have gone out with just dont click and I honestly think I was just too fat for the last guy. I know that is his loss, but doesnt make it not hurt. It almost makes me not want to try again on that venue. I dont think I need a makeover. I go get my hair highlighted and cut regularly and change it up, I get my nails done, I tan, I exercise, and I am losing weight.

I am very blessed to have two kids. I am graduating from grad school in a few months. There is a lot to look forward to I am sure, but I guess I just dont understand how people meet men. I just dont have men talk to me. I don't get it. I agree that a lot of the people we see are not "happy couples" but yeah it sure does feel like that somedays doesnt it? LOL. Sometimes things just suck, but I am sure it will get better soon. Thanks for all the input. It helps to hear what people have to say.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 6:31 PM

you are probably busy right now between 2 kids and finishing grad school but finding clubs/groups is a great way to meet people. Even if you dont meet the man of your dreams in the group you might make some new friends (and the new friends might have friends...)
walking, hiking, biking, kickball, softball - you will be getting exercise and being social.

Friday, May 2, 2008, 6:53 PM

My brother told me to get out of my apartment and mingle with other people. (not just single people) I remember him saying I should attend festivals and local events. Sure enough, I met my husband at a festival. Thanks, Bro! I too had no luck with online dating. I consider it much easier to meet people face to face. How about church events?

Friday, May 2, 2008, 8:37 PM

OP - do hang in there. And know that the more important 'makeovers' usually don't have to do with the external. It's more about how we feel about ourselves, which is what we end up projecting out to others. You could have the best body and be drop dead gorgeous and still attract major losers if you're filled with negative self-talk, insecurity, and so on.

And I agree with 6:53pm. Build your network of friends :)

Friday, May 2, 2008, 11:54 PM

Single, fat, etc

What you need is a good FRIEND!! Someone that will just offer companionship accountability, babysitting, someone to lift you up and encourage you! Be that friend to someone else, then it will be given to you as well. Attend church, work on your spirit. Seek God's will for your love life. He cares, and loves you unconditionally. Hugs!

Saturday, May 3, 2008, 12:01 AM

OP

Yes, I do need a good friend! That is for sure. All I seem to have are a few friends who are there when it is convenient for them to be there. That blows. I have zero help with my kids. My parents spend a lot of time in Florida doing the snowbird thing staying away from the cold weather up north. I never get a break because their dad is a jerk and is not able to be an adequate enough dad to take them on his own (per the court) for their safety. (alcoholism) It gets overwhelming, you guys are right. I wouldnt give them up for the world, but wish I could afford (financially) some time away; to pay somone to watch them or give me a break! :) I dont know anyone really enough to trust them with my kids. I am going to keep plugging away.

Saturday, May 3, 2008, 11:39 AM

PLEASE go to church tomorrow. God will provide for you! I know it sounds very church-lady-ish but you are seeking and He is yearning for a relationship with you, His child. Imagine if your children had been away as long as you have been from your father. Let Him show himself to you... Take the kids tomorrow and have your "cup" filled at a local church. He really will provide for you... Keep me posted. In Him, deedledee

Saturday, May 3, 2008, 12:15 PM

ummm, could you be a little more pushy, PP?

But yes, church is a place for some to meet people. And school, work, parties, clubs organizations. I am sure you have done this already, but make it clear to friends and family you are looking.

It takes time to find a great person.

Good luck! It'll happen...

Saturday, May 3, 2008, 2:36 PM

12:15

"Imagine if your children had been away as long as you have been from your father..."

She said her children's father is an alcoholic. What exactly are you implying then? LOL!

Sunday, May 4, 2008, 8:26 PM

Forget the church and take a yoga class (for yourself) and a dance class (for meeting people)!

You'll feel great about yourself! :)

Sunday, May 4, 2008, 8:27 PM

I totally agree with pp forget the church. This is what drives me crazy about bible thumpers, it is there answer to everything. You are unhappy - go to church, you are happy - go to church to thank god, you are crazy - go to church ....please !!!

To the OP is sounds like you are not quite ready yet, give your self some more time, you will be surprised with the diff.

Monday, May 5, 2008, 9:40 AM

OP here... You guys are cracking me up. Yeah my ex is an alcoholic. He is not some bum off the street. He is a functioning alcoholic that goes to work everyday and used to wear a suit and tie each day when I was married to him. He is what he is now... but that doesn't mean I am a heathen that is headed for hell, lol.

I do need to get out more. I am finding my depression sinking back in which sucks because I am losing weight. I am losing and it sucks sucks sucks!!! Why? I am getting what I always wanted. I signed up for yahoo personals too. Took you guys' advice and tried again. I am getting losers every day that are not what I am looking for. Again, I feel like a troll or some kind of insane loser.What is going on?????? It is making me more depressed. If that is all I attract, what does that say about me? UGH! Frustrated. Yes, and bitchy sounding too, but I swear my profile is normal, lol. And I thought my picture was good...???

Monday, May 5, 2008, 9:41 PM

OP - I don't know how the dating sites work, but do you have to wait for people to respond to you? Can you 'pick' out guys that are interesting to you?

Just out of curiousity, the ones that are interested in you - how can you tell these guys are losers?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 9:55 AM

OP, check out the free site okcupid. For one thing, it's tons of fun. You can answer all kinds of silly questions and take serious or silly tests. The "down" side of okcupid is that all the good people always seem to live somewhere else, no matter where you are. (This is a frequent topic of conversation on the site.) I've met a lot of different types of people -- young students who just want to meet in a coffee shop and talk philosophy with a professor who isn't _their_ professor, lol; one guy who was a loser; a woman with similar interests to mine (again, not a date); a guy in England who I e-mail with; and WOO HOO! my awesome boyfriend! Who doesn't live in my city, but close enough.

Okcupid does suggest people for you to check out based on scores from all the questions you answer. However, I must say that my bf and I never scored as all that compatible, although we are.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 10:31 AM

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