x-rated, but not especially off topic

I miss romance. I want the kind of sex we see in movies and read about in books. I want to be swept up in the arms of a swashbuckler! But due to our sizes, that can't happen, and it is just plain frustrating. I am working hard to get smaller so I can feel better about myself and be more 'active' in bed. Admittedly that's not the primary motive, but it's definitely one of the pieces of the puzzle. So for now I'm really not that interested in sex, it's just hard work instead of passion being able to take over and dictate movement. Being heavy also means snoring at night and breathing through my mouth - who wants to kiss waking up to that horrible taste\feeling? He has the same problem, but doesn't care.

I know I should love and embrace my body no matter the size, shape, etc, etc. But I'm just not that enlightened. I loved my thinner healthier body, I was sexy back then and felt desirable. Lacking that basic confidence on my part, it doesn't matter that he loves my curves and wants me - I don't want me, and that puts a huge damper on intimacy.

And him, there was a point this morning where I wanted him on me, and that just doesn't happen because of our sizes. I wanted to push him away and tell him to come back when we'd both lost 20 pounds - that would at least be a start, maybe then we could try. The reality is we both need to lose 50, or I do, he could be 70#'s lighter and still not be thin. You can't get as close as I want to be with that much fat in between.

The horrible part is how often I don't let myself get close to him, and kiss, and cuddle because I am afraid I am leading him on to an act that has become repetitive and boring because of our capabilities, or lack thereof. That all being said, here is my question. Do I have the right to insist on him losing weight? There are so many more reasons for him to lose weight, but this morning, fresh from the sheets, this is what is on my mind. I am at least trying and losing slowly (30 down, 50 to go) but he isn't. At all.

So, do I let him be himself to my own dissatisfaction. Or do I give the ultimatum for him to lose weight. He already knows he needs to lose weight, he already knows I want him to lose weight, and he already knows that medically he needs to lose (he's on meds for heart arrhythmia, high blood pressure, diuretic.) God, I'm so frustrated this morning.

Sat. Dec 6, 11:30am

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