Enough is enough. Warning: this is a personal rant.

Just a forewarning, I just really need to get this off my chest and be honest about how my weight loss this past year has been going. Since it's entirely centered around this site, I figured it makes sense to share it with my peers. Maybe someone else is going through something similar, you're not alone. Or maybe I just need to admit this all to myself publicly so I can move on.

Lately I've been trying to ignore something that's been changing about my eating habits. I began trying to lose weight about 1 year and a month ago now. That first year was just starts and stops, some lost some gained. Gym some weeks and not at all for months. In the end I was ten pounds heavier.

I've been on and off this site in all that time. I've changed screen names, even. Desperate for a fresh start. Unable to just start again with the same name and failure rate. Well, about a month ago, my major inspiration from this site was celebrating keeping her weight off (100+ pounds that she lost in a year) for a year. That made me realize just how awful I had been doing.

I admit I got really motivated, but almost angrily. I had "had enough". I was going to lose the weight and that was that. That week (no longer, I swear) I cut my calories really low (around 800) and that lasted for a few days. But then I would just eat 5X what I normally would, whenever I got too hungry to take it. Long story short, since then I've stopped restricting calories, and have maintained this binge eating habit. I honestly picked it up in a week. I've always been overweight (by about 50-60 pounds - I'm 5'9 and I weigh around 210 - luckily I carry it well for now) but I never ever ate this much, and now my weight is just going up and up. The bizarre part is that I think about my weight all the time. I really want to lose weight. I'll read about losing weight all day and then I'll go and eat half a box of crackers and a liter of yogurt. I'm sick of thinking about it, to be honest, and yet I know I have to continue to if I want to get healthier.

I know I'm struggling with other issues, but they aren't fresh. It's not a matter of wait until I'm ready. I finally have the time to dedicate to it now and I just won't stop sabotaging myself. Not for lack of effort either. How is it that every day I plan to go to the gym and eat well, and then these last two weeks I eat double the calories I used to instead.

I'm worried that my failed attempts to lose weight have done some permanent damage. It's just 50 pounds. It shouldn't be this hard when I know exactly what I have to do.

Sorry I just had to get this out of my system. I posted this to the lounge and my log as well. I'm going to log this binge and plan for it to be my last. I really needed to get that off my chest if I want to continue this effort honestly. If anyone has any idea what might be stopping me, even if they're really harsh, I'd be happy to hear them. I really want to do this right, then maintain and get on with life. This cant make me miserable any longer.

Wed. Apr 22, 3:23pm

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