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OT but need a little advise

I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we have a 15 mo daughter together. Lately, things have been bad... very bad. We fight and bicker and there has been physical abuse from both sides. We have verbally fought in front of our child, and we have once fought physically.Basically we have a VERY immature relationship and I know it sounds like a horrible situation, but as they say "familiarity breeds contemptment". We do have more good days than bad, but obviously our bad days are bad. Our lease is coming up and I have been focused on moving out and on, but when I presented this to him last night he told me if we moved out, he would have to move over 1000 miles away to another state because he couldn't afford to live by himself where we are currently. This fact is what is now making me have doubts. He loves our daughter and has a wonderful bond with her. She loves her daddy so much and is a bit of a daddy's girl. I would never want to be the reason she never got to see him again, and he says he can change but the problems we have are problems we have had for years. Does anyone have some advise?

Wed. Mar 26, 12:37pm

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I'm somewhat in the same situation with fighting all the time and kids. However, we do not physically hurt each other.

You need to ask yourself if either one of you could physically hurt your daughter. She's the innocent victim in this situation. her well being and safety should be both of yours priority.

having a child when you're young is stressful enough, making a relationship work is more stress. Fighting all the time isn't good for anyone.

Our marriage counselor told us that most fights happen because of communication styles. Things escalate because everyone wants to defend themselves. can you try new communication styles? this has helped my husband and I out more than i ever thought. We barely fight anymore, we talk, and that's a great thing.

His financial situation and your financial situation needs to be worked out together, for your daughter's sake. She needs her father in her life who has a home for her to visit and stay at. the same with you. Be adults, be friends, but if you can't work our your relationship together, work out your friendship. don't make her suffer because you guys can't get along.

Good luck to you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 1:10 PM

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No offense, but post this in a more appropriate community, you will get better answers than you will from here and we won't have 1/2 of our threads be OT.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 1:15 PM

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Neither of us would ever harm our daughter. We both have never lost our temper with her.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 1:59 PM

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You have to ask yourself if you would allow your daughter to date a man who would hit her, or likewise, do you want her to be the kind of woman who allows herself to be in an abusive relationship? 1000 miles away sounds a little dramatic, and it sounds like a weak ultimatum to get you to stay, and he's using your sympathies for your daughter as a weapon. If he has to live that far away, then you can make arrangements for him to have a meaningful relationship with your daughter. He doesn't need you as his girlfriend to have that. But do not delude yourself into thinking that you are doing your child any favors by staying in a relationship that is destructive for everyone. If you do, you're using her as an excuse to hide your own weakness and inability to leave. I don't care if the abuse is're both wrong and you should want more for your child. Shame on you both for even letting her see it once. You say she's a daddy's girl, well what's going to happen in 5, 10 or 15 years when she gives him a little lip....he'll hit her too and don't think for a minute that his love for her will stop him. He supposedly loves you, right???? You don't have the luxury of staying there and beating the crap out of each other to your heart's content because you are shaping a girl's life here. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I am constantly in shocked awe over women who even take a breath to debate whether they should stay or go. Um, GO. Don't wait for your lease, get the hell out of there and bid him freaking adieu!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 2:14 PM

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I agree! Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. You should want more for your daughter. It's not your responsibility to be his girlfriend so he can be with his daughter. The two are mutually exclusive. If it's important to him, he'll make sure he's in that child's life no matter how far away he has to live.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 2:36 PM

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OP here

Your comments may seem harsh but I was expecting it, and it is all true. I am ashamed of what we have put my DD through, and I think my biggest problem with leaving stems from the fact the verbal and physical abuse is mutual. I feel like a hypocrit when I say I want to leave because every reason I have to leave him is something I have done to him as well.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 2:57 PM

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then you both need to make an effort to change your verbal abuse. don't teach your daughter it's ok to date a man like that or act like that. she'll thank you for it. not to mention bitter feelings can really ruin a person's spirit and eat you alive. neither one of you need to live like that..

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 3:27 PM

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I don't believe someone who says they have to move 1000 miles b/c they can't afford to live closer, on their own. It just doesn't, financially, make any sense.

I assume you live in a big city - otherwise, it wouldn't be expensive to live there. Your boyfriend could use something like Craigslist to find a roommate, or two, or three, and live somewhere very cheaply. I live in Chicago, and when I was renting, was always paying over $1000/month for my portion (or, for my studio, one year), but knew a guy who had a bunch of roommates, and each were paying $210/month. You can pay $210/month on rent even only making minimum wage; I know, I did it in college, paying $300/month + utilities, when minimum wage was a LOT lower.

So, I think his threat is empty. If he wanted to stick around, he would.

Move out, for your sake and your daughter's. Children usually end up living the same kind of life as their parents. If you don't want your daughter to be in this kind of relationship when she grows up, then don't let her grow up with it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 3:32 PM

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He should leave you. You abuse him too. He obviously does not make you a better person and you obviously have not turned him in to a night in shining armor. As the old saying goes:
Hit me once shame on you
hit me twice shame on me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 3:35 PM

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Leaving does not make you a hypocrite because you are choosing to get out of a bad situation that you have had a hand in creating. You don't have to say you're leaving because he hit you, you're leaving because the situation isn't healthy for either of you and you want more for yourself and your daughter. You don't owe him an explanation anyways.

Thursday, March 27, 2008, 8:46 AM

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