CONFLICT

Well, I feel like I have a million things to say and this thread will most likely turn out to look more like a journal entry than anything productive for anyone other than me. Yes, this is definitely a selfish thread - a thread born from the hormones of a 21 year old girl. To start off, incase it wasn't yet apparent, I'm in a pretty terrible mood at the moment. It's weird how bad moods can lead to a lot of people just wanting to write things down. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does this when the mood strikes. Moods are so severe and yet so flaky. 98.7% of the time we will return to our set point, and soon - depending on what catastrophe has set you off. Despite this, moods can cause you to do some severe things, and when they're over you can only look back and say, "Wow, I can't believe I said/did that".

So, anyway, I was attempting to break this mood - to feel better. I thought I'd spend some time alone, surf the web, etc. when I came to one of my favorite sites with threads I like to read, and sometimes start. I almost feel like I shouldn't start this thread based on a mood either, because logically I am aware that the way I feel at the moment certainly doesn't define my general and more consistent outlook on the four letter word ("diet", or maybe more appropriately "life").

So, how I'm feeling now with relevance to this site: I'm not fat, but I'm not one of the skinny ones. Body wise, I've always been normal - just 5 - 10 pounds away from that ideal place in my own mind. I hate the restrictions of a "diet" and of "moderating". I hate how I need to restrain my impulse to eat a cookie when four people in front of me get to indulge in their pastry of choice. I'm not sure I'll ever eat a cookie in my life again without feeling a pang of guilt for having swallowed pleasure. That's one of the things I miss about being 11, 12 - whenever it was that I was too young to monitor myself and to be responsible for my own body. It sucks to feel trapped in a life where I'll always need to be careful.

This being said, I'll probably post again on here in about 3 hours talking about how I was foolish to write- How moderation is great, about how health is important, fitness is important, reaching my ideal - for me - is important. How the striving is worth it. How I'll die at an older age than others who fail to moderate, who indulge in impulse.

Ironically though, as this mood is almost starting to take flight, it looks like I did just indulge in impulse, impulsive writing anyway. I hope it didn't hurt anyone. Maybe it even sparked inspiration in a weird way, maybe some empathy. We'll see.

Thu. Jan 21, 2:53pm

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