Bad Motivation?

Sorry in advance, this is a long post. I apologize, it's a lot of ranting, I just need to get it out.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving I decided that I wanted to commit to losing weight. I've been overweight my whole life (~150lbs 5'2") and generally felt healthy, but always looked "chubby." I've tried losing weight before and it usually lasted a week or two before I gave up, but this time I'm feeling quite confident that I'm making a real lifestyle change.

What bothers me is why I am doing this. Like I said, I feel pretty healthy, I just wish I could look better. I'm not going to beat around the bush-the real reason I decided to get serious was because I was going to see my exboyfriend during Thanksgiving break. There's a lot of backstory to it, but basically we dated for 2.5 yrs in high school and he broke up with me freshman year of college for no reason. Literally, no reason, he said he just felt different. I was completely shocked and devastated. He became a different person and unfortunately for me I HAVE to see that person almost everytime I go home because my "best friends" became his friends during our relationship and have stayed his friends so now when I see them I see him too. Obviously this has affected my life, and it still does everyday (even though this happened almost 3 years ago).

After I saw him that week, I realized how stupid it was to try to look better to see him-what was I expecting?

The worst part is that I am in a serious long-term relationship with a guy who basically worships me. It's a problem because I don't think I'll ever totally get over this other guy. I've definitely improved on thinking less about him. I just miss what my life was like and how I felt when I was with him, rather than missing him. My current boyfriend is sweet and would do anything for me, but we're not on the same wavelength. I've gotten myself to stop thinking and saying that I'll never find someone as good as the other guy, but I am seeing, a few relationships after, including this one I am in now, that I haven't meshed as well with anyone else.

I'm worried that this thing that I am dong, which is supposed to be for myself, is just part of some long term effort to impress this guy who is so remote and who I rarely see anymore, and won't for a long time when he finally moves away for his job.

Thanks for reading.
-cb

Wed. Dec 2, 5:55pm

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