Fat girls and emotionally abusive men

Why is it that a lot of women, (Yeah I know that it is not all before everyone jumps all over me) will keep going back to guys that treat them like sh#* emotionally when they are fat? Guys that may not be single, may be emotionally abuse, alcoholics, addicts, or just plain not nice... I know I have low self esteem because I am fat. I have identified that. I am a smart woman. I am educated. I know I do it. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do I keep going back? I keep going back to this same guy to get emotional support from, flirting, hook up with very rarely, ... but he is not single. He has a girlfriend. I hate myself for it. I hate him for it. It sucks. I am not like that, but yet I am now. Damn I hope when I lose this weight I can lose some of the stupid baggage that comes with it.

Fri. Mar 21, 4:11pm

A lot of us have been there - overweight or not. I think a lot of girls go through dating some a-holes before finding a good one.

Please demand respect from the people around you by respecting yourself and others. Flirting with and hooking up with a loser guy with a girlfriend is not cool, attractive or fun. As you know, its selfish and creates more drama than its worth. Maybe you thrive on the drama?

Your behavior is just as bad as his, and you are using the "insecure overweight girl" as an excuse. Grow up. Don't hook up with him.

Friday, March 21, 2008, 4:21 PM

I think that you need to decide on some general "rules" or principles for yourself that do not pertain to this particular man or relationship or weight. You might word them something like this:

1) I am worth someone's FULL attention. No guys who are dating someone else, married, anything like that.

2) I will not go out with anyone who is ashamed to be seen with me in public, for any reason. Anyone should be proud to be dating an awesome woman like me.

I guarantee that these work at any weight. :-)

Friday, March 21, 2008, 5:10 PM

Just a stab here, but maybe you don't really think you're worth a guy who's going to treat you right so that's why you take his crap. You're not the victim here....you go into it willingly because on some level you think he's right. And don't think you'll attract a different species of guy because you get thin....you'll just be the skinny girl who lets herself get sh*t on. Having the b@lls to kick him to the curb is a good first step. Then fess up to his girlfriend what you two have been doing so that she can find a decent guy as well!!!! I don't mean to be harsh but I've #1 been the overweight girl who had a mean husband, and #2 that mean husband cheated on me with a woman who is now his trophy wife. So I'm with you on knowing how your self image affects your judgement, but you definitely don't want to be the other woman. That's a moniker you'll never forgive yourself for no matter what you weigh.

Friday, March 21, 2008, 7:26 PM

I totally agree with being the other woman pp. OP, try and imagine yourself in her shoes. What if you found a guy and he cheated on you? Yeah, he'd be an a$$hole and all, but you'd probably be crushed and pissed. Be the better person. Not all men suck. SOme are great, but obviously the boy toy you talk about is a jerk and needs someone to smack him upside his idiotic head.
Also, a lot of it is about confidence. Have you been working out OP? I know first hand that physically doing something to better your health can make a tremendous difference on your self confidence. Please take care of yourself, and be safe. If he's cheating with you who knows how many other women he has, make sure to get tested and move on from the jerk.

Saturday, March 22, 2008, 2:58 AM

Hmm, I wouldn't say its just fat women that take that kind of treatment. I know tons of women who are average and thin who always seem to go for the loser, deadbeat who treats them like shit and then always wants them back when they leave them.

Saturday, March 22, 2008, 3:48 AM

As someone who is in a similar situation to the OP's...
The attached guy's appeal is that, of all the different types of losers we could end up with, this kind (at least in my case) is not emotionally abusive, doesn't criticize, doesn't make a game of destroying my self-esteem. Men generally don't want to deal with a work-in-progress, and I didn't feel like going years without any affection while I made that progress. I make his life tolerable, while he has given me the acceptance-at-any-size that I desperately needed.

My alternatives over the years include:
- homely, socially-incompetent men who, in their first approach, made it clear they were making an exception to their usual standards to even talk to me
- incredibly hot men looking for half an hour of no strings fun where they wouldn't have to do "any of the work"
- men who were counting on the fat-girls-as-pleasers to get the more unpleasant sex acts featured in their favorite porn
- "submissives" who assumed that all big girls are bossy

As for thinking about his wife/girlfriend? Not my problem, I didn't take a vow. At this point, I'm not accruing bad karma - I'm just giving some back.

Saturday, March 22, 2008, 10:22 AM

10:22, everybody is a work-in-progress in one respect or another. Or anyway, the people who aren't going forward in any respect are usually going back, and aren't the people anyone wants to be around.

It's great that you've identified all the things you don't want. But go for the things you DO want! While "acceptance" is good, it is setting the bar low. You deserve even better.

Saturday, March 22, 2008, 11:28 AM

I find the comment about not being the one who made the vow very sad. That shows a complete lack of respect for the institution of marriage. You may not be the one who's made the vow, but maybe someday you will and you'll expect that vow to mean something, which makes you a hypocrite. Plus, it just goes against any sense of human kindness.. Just because you don't know someone doesn't mean you should be indifferent to their feelings. Do you ever think that you're one half responsible for someone's life being turned upside down? That you're the reason someone's child has to be told their parents are splitting up? If a person doesn't feel any remorse or sense of responsibility for that then that person is amoral, like most cheaters are. The "other woman" always buys the guy's story that the little mrs at home has to be some kind of sad sack lunatic because that's how he justifies fooling around. And that makes you more gullible than the unsuspecting spouse at home!

Saturday, March 22, 2008, 1:39 PM

I am the OP. I just have had the worst day. Nothing has gone right. From the beginning of the day everything that could go wrong seems to have just been wrong. I am so cranky. I also had contact with "him". I am so friggin irritated with him. I think I am at the point where I am just done. I want to be done. I told him I was done. I am so scared. I am so scared I am not truly done. I have said it before and folded. I have gone back. I dont want to go back. I dont want to feel bad. I want to feel respected and loved. I want to feel like someone cares about me. I want to feel like I have male friends who give a shit. I want to stick with it. I just end up having a bad day, feeling lonely, and really feeling like I need him. WHY WHY WHY????????????????

I am so frustrated. I am losing weight. Why cant I lose the loser? Its the same concept right? Something I never was successful with in the past that I am starting to be successful with now...? UGH! Suggestions and advise would help. I truly am hurting. I dont want to go back but I really feel so alone. I "glamorize" him. Smart, handsome, good dad, great job, witty, blah blah... WHY????

Saturday, March 29, 2008, 9:22 PM

Don't see him again. Ever. Period.

Saturday, March 29, 2008, 9:43 PM

OP - right now you're making decisions based on fear. You're glamorizing him, while conveniently forgetting the not so good stuff, b/c you fear being alone. You don't want to give him up for fear you'll never meet someone else. But, hey, guess what? As long as you're hanging on to this guy, who HAS a someone else, you have zero chance of meeting someone who may actually treat you with dignity and respect.

Ultimately, is there really anything anyone here can say that will get you to wake up and stop wasting time with this guy?

Saturday, March 29, 2008, 9:47 PM

9:47 asked an excellent question. Really, if every person wrote in this thread that you should stop seeing this guy (which you should) would you listen?

Saturday, March 29, 2008, 9:51 PM

I also think you're looking at your weight and your emotional baggage backwards - the weight is likely as big a symptom of your emotional issues as dating loozer-boi is... Lose the baggage and you may find you have an easier time losing the weight.

Take some time from men and concentrate on finding what makes you happy. Cliche but it truly works. Until you have some inner peace with yourself, you won't find any with anyone else. Best wishes!

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 12:26 AM

It's hard to glamourize him if you think of him for what he actually is....a man who lies and cheats. All of the other good things that you think of him are a lie because they can't exist when he has those two other qualities. You're right to equate it with your success in losing weight.......what do you do mentally to keep yourself from raiding the fridge or not working out? Those are the same thoughts you should have when contemplating him. Like a greasy cheeseburger, he's not good for you, he makes you feel crappy, and you don't like yourself afterwards. PUT DOWN THAT GREASY CHEESEBURGER AND FIND YOURSELF A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE!!!! :)

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 10:04 AM

I SO agree with12:26. Drop those 180 pounds (or whatever he weighs) and free yourself to lose the rest of your weight :)

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 10:07 AM

OP here, I like the equating him to a greasy cheeseburger analogy. That was pretty funny. I think I will try that one. Very true that I hang onto him because of fear. I definately do that. I want to lose weight in the form of about 190 lbs, lol. Thanks to 10:07 for that one. That was funny too. :) I am okay today, no contact. Staying strong. One minute, day at a time. Just taking it one minute and day at a time. It's not easy, but I dont want to go back.

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 4:53 PM

If you are in the position to do this, take a holiday somewhere! Distract yourself..

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 5:11 PM

Yes, the greasy hamburger is great! Too funny.

Stay strong, OP. Just like food, if you want the craving to stop, you've got to stop feeding it!

Sunday, March 30, 2008, 6:29 PM

No it's not just fat girls that do this but I would agree that it's more prevelant for them. Talking from blatant experience.... I now can't believe the stuff I used to put up with. Not only emotionally but physically, then I met a man who treats me like gold and realized I didn't need to be treated that way just because I was fat. The man who treated me like gold has now been my husband for almost 17 years and when his friends ask how he got such a hot wife (yes, now I am pretty fit and have been for about 10 years) I tell them he gave a fat girl a chance and looked at what was on the inside and not the outside! It is just amazing though as I look back to see what kind of person I was and what I put up with. If I confide about that part of my past to any of my friends today they are in total amazement because I don't put up with anyone's crap anymore and still can't believe I EVER did! So, keep in mind there are guys out there who will love you for who you are on the inside and you don't need your guy telling you that you'll never get anyone else, etc., because that's just simply NOT true! Don't let him brainwash you into thinking you are less of a person than you really are because of the weight! I am the true life story of one of those girls whose life ended up turning out great and am so thankful I made the right decision back then. It was scary at the time but every day I am so grateful for that choice! It's so hard, but take that step and dump him~!

Monday, March 31, 2008, 5:39 PM

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