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need advice

This is a messy situation: my boyfriend of 5 yrs 's brother is getting married in July. I was originally asked by his to be wife to be an usherette, a play on ushers, 2 ushers, 2 female usherttes, to make matching pairs. i was very excited for that, since they would dance with the wedding party, and all. 2 months later i was demoted to personal assitant, which was a disapointment to say the least, but i took it in stride.she had me buy a special dress to match for that position. now 4 months later i have been demoted again to candid pic taker or "photographer" as she said it would say in the program. my bf thinks i should just say no instead of a pity position. we feel she asked me to do this so that she wouldnt just have to tell me she didnt want me to be a personal attendant. i dont know what to do. if i do it i'll get to do with the wedding party bar hopping (im 22 yrs old) but i would have to be taking pics. she made it sound as if this was the only way i could come along bar hopping. if i dont my bf said he would not go along with them. i would take pics while hair is getting done (mine as well). even if i dont take the position, is it wrong of me to go along and get my hair done, or is it not appropriate to tag along? should i just get it done at another salon? i am pretty upset at her, she really has hurt my feelings and has not taken in account how it feels. i dont wanna cause trouble, if we were married id would pry make a stink about it (we've dated longer then the marrying couple) but i feel as if i cannot. idk i just need some advice and needed to vent a lil

Tue. Feb 26, 7:45pm

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It depends -- are you actually friends with the bride? If you feel like your relationship with her isn't actually all that tight, then maybe you should forgo the responsibility of photographer and just attend the wedding. Maybe you can round up some friends on another occasion and get your party on then, when the atmosphere would be more enjoyable anyway.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 8:02 PM

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OP, I can completely understand how hurt you must feel. But, that said, I'd encourage you to do what feels right, but do it with grace and a smile. If you back out of taking pictures..then, don't appear pouty over missing out on the wedding events. (vent and cry in private...don't let them see you sweat!) Go to the wedding, and have a great time with whatever you do, and wherever you sit, etc. If you choose to say 'yes' to picture taking...then, also do that with confidence, grace and a smile. I wouldn't let the bride have any satisfaction (or pity or whatever) in knowing that she hurt my feelings.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 8:08 PM

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need advice

I always seem to really know what's best to do by sleeping on it, and it's what comes to me first thing when I wake up. Do what feels true to you, what you want and based on how you feel. Your feelings are valid, your wants and needs are valid. Praying on the "right' thing to do never hurts either. Good luck!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 8:48 PM

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From the sounds of it, you're not the bride's friend, you're the gf of her future brother in law. Be grateful she's letting you have anything to do with HER wedding, or don't be a part of it. But don't be all whiney about your feelings or anything- you don't *deserve* to be a part of her wedding, you're not entitled to anything from her. Brides change their plans for a variety of reasons- and she's entitled to change things from when she first started planning 8-10 months ago.

Personally, if I'd seen you write this post, I would be so aghast at your attitude, I'd cut you out and grant you nothing more than the right to be a guest of your bf.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 9:12 PM

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yes we are friends, not in the sense that we hangout all the time, but we talk on the phone peridoically, spend time at the lake in the summer

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 9:41 PM

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Wow, that bride sounds a disorganized!

Whatever you decide: keep your distance. Just be along for the ride.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 10:50 PM

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of everything, that sounds the best! all i can say i dont want any more drama, im not a offical part of the family and still it heaps on

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 11:16 PM

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OP, she sounds like a total bridezilla. In a week or two she'll change her mind again, or something will come up. I'd bow out gracefully and say that some things have taken place and you are thankful, but cannot do it. She sounds like a roller coaster ride and as a "member of the family" (since you've been with your bf for 5 years) you do deserve some respect. The whole demoting and what not sounds like she is doing it because she doesn't want you in it and someone is requesting her to. Also, if she keeps changing her mind like this, who's to say the rest of the party will still be game 2 weeks before the wedding? It sounds like she's stepping on toes, best to go out on your own and just be a guest at the wedding.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 4:20 AM

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I would thank the bride for the consideration, but indicate that you wouldn't really be that great at taking the candid pictures that she might be looking for and that maybe there was someone who was better suited to it, and withdrawl quietly.
So you don't go partying, honey you are 22 years old, believe me you have PLENTY of partying left to do in your life., and MANY more weddings to attend, it hasn't even started.
And finally don't get upset, take the higher road. As far as getting your hair done with them, just say that you really like the salon that they were going to and that you were thinking of making an appointment at the same time s them.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 8:10 AM

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I don't think staying in it to go bar hopping is a reason to want to stay in it. Sounds like she needs to get organized and you need to decide the reason you're doing it. This wedding is about her and her husband, not about you going bar hopping. She's trying to involve you in some way as to not hurt your feelings. Take it or leave it, but do it for the right reasons.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 9:29 AM

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It sounds to me like she feels she is obligated to have you somehow be involved in the wedding. Remember when it comes to someones wedding it is always all about them and they are not really thinking about others. She could be stressed out and freaking. Personally at this point I would just tell her that you are not a photographer and that she should find someone else to do the picture taking. I wouldn't go to the hair thing, you are not part of the wedding party. Just go to the wedding and enjoy it. But if it really bothers you that much just tell her how you really feel. I mean really you already bought a dress.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 10:07 AM

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Wow. I understand that your feelings are hurt. I really do. But I concur with those who've already stated that you should be clear about why you would or wouldn't take part in things. You might choose to participate in some of these things, and then end up feeling reeeally left out. Hrm... and since when is bar hopping an organized and exclusive thing? Aren't you your bf's date?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 10:41 AM

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A night of bar-hopping with sort-of friends doesn't sound like that much fun to me, so maybe I'm missing the point.

Whichever decision you make, do whichever you'd prefer to do - you have the option of taking pictures and doing all the stuff with the wedding party (which can be fun, and can just be a pain), and you have the option of just attending the wedding as a guest and being done with it, and not having to deal with a lot of the headaches that go along with a wedding.

Just make your decision based on what you would rather do, and the choices available. Try not to have a chip on your shoulder about it, because someday, you may be family.

And, if you and your boyfriend get married, you can give her the same choices she's giving you.

If the dress you bought was expensive, and she now doesn't want you to wear it, you can ask her to reimburse you though.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 11:28 AM

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This bride sounds as though she is not a very kind person. If I were you, I would do whatever she wants you to do for the wedding (it being her special day and yada, yada). Once the wedding has passed, I think you should really reexamine your relationship and whether she is someone worthy of your time. She probably is not.

Good luck and try not to take it to heart. Some people just suck, and better to weed out such folks early!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 1:08 PM

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Sounds pretty clear that you are not important to her nor does she really consider you a friend. I think you might be thinking you two are more then what you are, which sounds like she just considers you to be her soon to be husbands brothers girlfriend, and that every now and then she associates with you through them but given the opportunity she doesn't seem like someone who is seeking your friendship. At this point I would just tell her you aren't interested in being the photographer and she should find someone else. And just go to the wedding with your boyfriend and enjoy it and be done with it. Weddings are a funny thing, women get totally insane about them and don't do a lot of rational thinking, after all its all about them and their day to "shine". I would just write her off and know that her actions are telling you that she is not really interested in having a relationship with you. You don't have to be rude about it, just tell her it isn't going to work for you but you'll see her at the wedding.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 6:59 PM

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don't let anyone mess around with your feelings.
but in this family situation don't make a scandal
people will remember YOUR SMILING FACE and
everyone knows that all that nasty behaviour
from THE bride will just BOOMERANG back

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 7:44 PM

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It sounds like you want to be included.

As a friend of someone who just got married, being in the wedding party is not always the fun it's cracked up to be, mostly it's a lot of work. It's work I was happy to do for a good friend but it sounds like you might not be great friends with the bride. Being a guest at the wedding might end up to be a lot more fun than being part of the wedding party...and then you don't have to feel obligated to stick around and clean up. :)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 7:49 PM

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Weddings can be a bad time. There was a wedding in our family last year. The bride told me I was the most boring person in the entire world. Great thing to say to someone who will be a member of your family for the next 50 years. The only photos of me at the wedding were the family groups taken by the professional photographer. The photos taken by the family did not include me at all. My feelings were extremely hurt. In fact they never even talked to me. The rest of the family members were put at the "important tables" with the "important guests". I went to the wedding, smiled, said how wonderful the whole thing was and it was strangers that told me how nice I looked. I smiled, had fun with strangers, came home and wrote them out of my will.

Take the higher ground, smile and have fun, pretend it some stranger's wedding.

Thursday, February 28, 2008, 2:13 AM

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bridezillia and other times

hey, if you let yourself be treated poorly and walked over with cleats, then people get to think that you like it, Get your hair done somewhere else, go to the wedding, spend time being nice to all, especialy people you dont know, make new friends, set standards that no one will put you down.. Dont just be a hanger on, or people will use you.

Thursday, February 28, 2008, 2:52 AM

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