What To Do When You Want The Junk Food Out Of The House But The Kids and Husband Don't

By Joshua Wayne, MA

We got the following question from someone who just completed the Point Of No Return Program. Frustration with spouses and others who don't share a committment to better eating is a challenge almost everyone experiences.

But before I dig into answering her question, I want to point out how great it is that she has gotten to the point where she does want to get the junk out of the house. And also that she has done the work of identifying some of what is at the root of her eating behaviors. It is tough to make these changes and ask ourselves tough questions.

It is very exciting for us to be able to get people to be asking these kinds of questions in the first place. This also brings up a good point about the PONR program: it does force you to ask yourself some tough questions. Some people simply are not ready to "go there" and that is ok. But as you can see, we do a very good job in the program at helping people make some very fundamental shifts in their thinking and habits. That is the whole idea!

Here is the question:

"Hi! I am responding to your email to let you know how I felt about the program. It has really helped me to focus. I know there is much to be said about the psychological and emotional end of losing weight. I have found that I need to be reminded on a daily basis, not only from the teams and groups, but definitely from the two of you and your "words of wisdom". Otherwise I tend to forget and not pay attention to what I am doing.

While I have your ear I want to ask a question: I would like some skills on how to combat eating issues because of your upbringing. I grew up in a family of 8 kids, and so when there was any food in the house (especially sweets/chips/ice cream/pop) it was first come, first serve. So, I always ate the sweets whenever I could because I didn't want it to be gone and I only got a little.

I would even take bigger portion sizes because I wanted to make sure that I got enough the first (or second, or third) time, because the next time I wanted some, it might be gone. I look at how I eat now, and am finding that it is the same. Only I have just 3 kids and 1 hungry husband who all have a sweet tooth. I find it difficult to keep the sweets out of the house because then I get complaints from my husband. I was brought up to "serve" my husband, also.

And I don't want him to get mad. Christmas did not help with all the sweets. I also enjoy baking sweets because I like to see my family happy knowing that I made something that they like. I also will eat a lot just to get rid of it...instead of just tossing it out or giving to other people, or letting my family eat it. I can be a closet eater and tend to overeat sweets at home and not in public because then no one can see me eating. I find it gross to see overweight people eating a ton of food at one sitting, it turns my stomach and I judge them for it.

I know I have a lot of issues, but I would appreciate any suggestions or thoughts you may have on this subject."

Great question! First and foremost, you have to look really honestly at what your options are.

It doesn't sound like your husband and kids have a desire to change at this point. They like their sweets and unlike you, they're not looking to kick that habit. This may be frustrating to you, but it's the reality of the situation.

So you have to make a choice.

Do you want to fight the battle to try to change them, or do you just want to focus on changing yourself?

You might be able to change them, but chances are it will take quite some time and there could be a cost like you said: your husband getting mad at you, and your kids too probably.

Or you can instead focus on the changes you need to make. Often this is the harder change to make, and it's one we avoid.

Remember when we first landed on the moon? Neil Armstrong and his fellow astronauts walked on the moon for the first time, and after they explored the surface for awhile do you remember what they did? They planted an American flag on the surface.

They planted their flag as a symbol of all the energy and years of work and blood, sweat and tears that went into building a space program that would get to the moon. It was a symbol of the American entrepreneurial and industrialist spirit of innovation that got them there. And don't forget it was the result of countless hours or hard work. The reason I bring this up is because you too have to decide where you want to put your flag down in your life and in your home.

Again, you can wait around for others to change, or you can do what is probably the more important work of changing yourself.

So what does it this mean in practical terms about having the junk food around the house? Here are a few ideas to try on:

1. Decide what you really want. If your family isn't going to change their habits, become a "relentless warrior" in the pursuit of your own goals. Develop that Marine "warrior mentality."

2. Start changing around your emotional connection to food. Remind yourself, "it's just food and there is plenty of it". You don't have to eat it. Start practicing having it around the house and not eating it. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it. This may not feel comfortable at first, but that's the whole point. It's discipline that is going to get you where you want to be in your life, so it's better to start developing it now than never. You know what happens if you keep doing what you've always done; so find out what the alternative is. There just might be some welcome surprises around that next bend.

3. Just because your family won't change their habits doesn't mean you have to enable them. Stop baking things for them. There are other ways to show your love for them. Go for a walk, throw a ball around in the yard, go to a movie, play Scrabble. Just take food out of the equation of the family bonding rituals. It really doesn't need to be there. I understand this is very tied into the idea of mothering and nurturing, but if the temptation is too great and you don't want to be eating it, then stop baking it! Why tempt yourself?

4. Tell them that if they want the junk food in the house then they need to go pick it up themselves. I understand this might upset the apple cart too much and you may not be ready to fight that battle. If that's the case, then that's okay but I'm saying it to make a point. Maybe it's time that you do draw a line in the sand to take care of yourself. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if they're teens they're fully capable of picking up the junk they want to have in the house. So is your husband.

5. If you're eating the food just to make it go away, stop doing it! I know in the moment it seems to make sense in a funny way, or the impulse is there that you just choose not to override, but you have to realize that you just don't have to respond that way. It's either going to eaten by somebody else, tossed in the garbage eventually, or its going to end up sitting on your hips. You have to decide where you want it to go. You can work this formula backwards, meaning you know you don't want it on your hips so by process of elimination it actually makes solving this pretty easily. It should go anywhere but on your hips!

6. If you're sneaking the food when nobody else is around, then you need to find another way to nurture yourself and get your needs met. Understand that the food solution will always be a temporary one and it will always leave you feeling emotionally empty. It can never be the lasting solution to the problem. It's impossible. It will always lead you to greater pain and frustration, so start finding new and healthy ways to get the sense of satisfaction your'e looking for. This is huge topic, but consider exercise, yoga, deep breathing, journaling, calling a friend, etc. Whatever you do, remember that food isn't the answer.

In the end, what this really comes down to is the willingness to do things differently and to change. People are mostly looking for change to be easy and comfortable. Sometimes those changes in life are easy. Sometimes they're not. It's great when they're easy; it's a pain in the butt when they're not. But what choice do you really have. You can keep doing what you've been doing and you'll keep getting what you've been getting. That's an option. But it's not the only one. The alternative is to change - to do the work necessary to change your habits and behaviors.

I am sure you've heard this analogy before, but it's like building a muscle. If your biceps are very weak you have a couple of choices. You can just leave things the way they are. You can tell yourself "it's too hard to change it; I just don't want to do the work". That's an option and you know where it will lead you. You'll have a weak arm and it will probably frustrate you much of the time because you can't lift things with it. But you just have to accept that you're choosing not to do something about it.

Or what's the alternative? To start picking up some weights and exercising the arm. This can be a 2 pound weight to start with. It an be a jar of peanut butter or apple juice. The point is making the decision to start picking up that weight each day - or at least on a regular basis.

Which Consequences Do You Want To Live With?

But you have to accept that doing this is going to have it's own set of consequences. Everything in life has consequences; you have to decide which ones you want to live with. The consequences here are that your arms will probably be sore for a little while. It might hurt and feel uncomfortable to lift the weights. It will feel different, and you'll have to decide if you want to keep going or if you want to stop. If you stop after a week, you know what to expect: the weak arm you've had for a long time. But if you keep going, you'll have a few things.

First, you'll have a stronger arm that will allow you to do a bunch more stuff: lift grocery bags, swing a golf club if you like or swing your kids around.

Secondly, you'll have built discipline. Often that's not easily earned, but there are few better feelings in life to know you have broken through your own limitations and accomplished something you really want. Rarely does that come without some struggle and discomfort, but if you think to other areas in your life where you've put in that sort of time and effort to master something you'll know exactly the kind of satisfaction I'm talking about.

There's an old saying in the Marines: "Pain is weakness leaving the body". When we overcome internal obstacles and prove to ourselves that we really can reach our goals, we get a sense of what that means at a very real and deep level.

Third, you'll have a healthy sense of Pride. Not in an arrogant way, but in a quiet, self-confident way. I always think of this like a proud lion - a great, regal creature that just sits there calmly and confidently. No need to strut around and prove anything to anybody else. You feel proud of yourself for having accomplished your goal, and you can then parlay this strength into other things you want to accomplish.

I hope this is helpful!

-Joshua

P.S. For those of you who are interested in the Point Of No Return Program, we let you do the entire first month of the program for a buck. We focus on the psychological layer (the why) as well as the practical layer (the what). This is a very effective combination for most. Over the course of the first month you will see pretty quickly whether it is right for you. About 80% of those who start choose to continue, so the odds are good!

Here is the link to get started:

http://www.peertrainer.com/coaching

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